- Member Since 25th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 1st, 2022
The Asexual Jelly Bean
I am the most worthless FimFiction writer ever! My fanfics are horrible, and I do nothing productive for society! Welp, read my stories if you feel like it, though.
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- Flutterpie-sparkle · 2.6k words · 26 6 · 500 views
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Short. Space out the paragraphs better. Use indents and what's with the whole "Genital" thing? Did you mean groin or crotch or something?
But it wasn't "Bad"
4278254
I tried to keep out the words "Cock, penis, dick, pussy, or vagina", as much as possible, in order to not overuse them, like many other clop-fics do.
But, thanks for the tips :)
4278290
You could use other words. Length. Shaft. Stallionhood. Marehood. Slit. Hole. A lot of others.
4278317 True, these were just the ones that came to mind. I apologise ^^ I'll change it once I get around to it :)
4278254 Also, about the paragraphs. That's actually a bug, because I imported it from G-Drive, it usually works, but, well, apparently not this time. ._. I'll fix that now :D
4278342
4278352
No need to apologize. It's your story. I'm just giving you tips.
The story is not bad starting out, but I have a major concern.
You start out with "you can see the silhouette of light. . ." but then you go on to say, "I saw a shade in the curtains." Either you are transitioning between [your own] and [my own] point-of-view or you are transitioning in between first- and second-person narratives, and your intent is not clear enough to decipher which. This makes it slightly confusing; while the reader will make the connections in their mind, it takes an extra second to do so, and you need to act like the reader has a short attention span. I would recommend switching to a solid first- or second-person viewpoint and not swap between them for clarity.
Your prose is also rather weak. You keep using the same words to describe the same things. You mentioned that you tried to avoid doing this, but in truth, it only aids you to vary your wording. Use more colorful language—not too colorful—to make the story more interesting, to give it that bit of dynamite.
Other than that, you have some grammar and formatting errors.
Starfall's Score:
6.3/10. Average score. The story has a few flaws, but it is not inherently broken.
4278495 Thank you. I actually noticed those flaws, but I was at school when I saw them, thus not having the time to fix them :)
4278495 I fixed some of the flaws you pointed out, and tried to be more creative with the usage of words, if you want, you can try giivng it a re-read, and tell me if it's gotten a little better :)
Up to you, would help me a lot, if you did ^^
If Spike walked in he'd be all
and Twilight would be
and the narrator would be
Very good in my opinion.
4279475 You know, I actually thought of making that, but I figured, that'll just ruin the story even more than I already had. :p
Not bad, but you still have some flaws to address.
You still have yet to explain what Twilight sees in the main character and what he sees in her. This is something that even one-shots try to hastily explain for the sake of making the relationship more believable. You currently can not justify the relationship at all, which is something that is inherently hurting your story-line. You must explain why what is happening is happening; without doing so, Twilight is basically sleeping with a stranger, and this is something completely against her nature.
On another note, I am happy to see you fixed the pronoun shifts in your story, locking it in first-person.
4283296 I might write another clop-fic at some point, and I'll improve on the build up, etc. there. :)