If Spike walked in he'd be all and Twilight would be and the narrator would be

Very good in my opinion.

4279475 You know, I actually thought of making that, but I figured, that'll just ruin the story even more than I already had. :p

Not bad, but you still have some flaws to address.

You still have yet to explain what Twilight sees in the main character and what he sees in her. This is something that even one-shots try to hastily explain for the sake of making the relationship more believable. You currently can not justify the relationship at all, which is something that is inherently hurting your story-line. You must explain why what is happening is happening; without doing so, Twilight is basically sleeping with a stranger, and this is something completely against her nature.

On another note, I am happy to see you fixed the pronoun shifts in your story, locking it in first-person.

4283296 I might write another clop-fic at some point, and I'll improve on the build up, etc. there. :)