Flutterpie-sparkle
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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first viewer
first comment, 
lets have a party! 
dtlux1
PS: who has read The Eggheads Guide to Eggheads Guides?
first viewer
first comment, 
lets have a party! 
dtlux1
PS: who has read The Eggheads Guide to Eggheads Guides?
nice way to start off and i like were the story is going
Loving it so far!
1429489
1429412
Thanks for the actual comments guys and really I'm quite flattered
Yep, added to the list of fics that I hope to see more of. Can't wait to see how you portray Luna's past, keep it up!
Must. Read. More.
I have a feeling i'm going to like this one. Not that all that much has happened yet, but I do like what i've read so far. poor luna, she really did get the shit end of the deal. (referencing her duties as princess of the night) flutterpie-sparkle, moar please.
Hot damn I like this guy. He is one smooth stallion........that is boner happy.
1525371
Oh but Luna gives every stallion a boner
What makes me like him is that he isn't a fan of Trollestia
Great idea! I had one similar to this, but never got around to it...I like yours better though.
1525457 true and I ain't a fan of trollestia myself
1526687
Luna rules. Celestia drools.
1527289 yeah
TWE's Scribblestick here on commission to provide my helpful writing tips!
Overall, I found the story rather interesting. We really don't know much about the dyanamic between Luna and Celestia, especially when they were young, so any story about them is pretty interesting, in my opinion.
The part that bugged me the most, oddly enough, was the romance. You have a random OC with the hots for Luna, and she immediately returns his feelings for some reason. We know Luna is very formal and distant when dealing with her subjects ("Luna Eclipsed"), so this seemed a touch out of character. That's more of a side plot, but a good romance needs a little more buildup, especially when an OC's involved. Otherwise it just comes off as horny teenage lust, or worse, self-insertion wish fulfilment.
Speaking of your OC, he's not acting much like a journalist. I know he's young, so I can excuse a few slips in professionalism, but he's there to do a job, to get a story, and that should be his main focus. I'm not saying you can't have a romance side plot, but right now, his lust seems to be taking precedence over his job, which just doesn't sit well with me. Granted, I work in journalism, so perhaps I'm a bit biased.
The other area in which I think you can improve is show vs. tell. Essentially, this means you should never tell me something about a situation or character when you can show it to me through description, narration, or dialogue. For example:
What do the drugs look like? How does Luna know what they are? How does she know Celestia is using them and that it's not something some other pony? As far as I can tell, Luna doesn't really have a reason to suspect her big sister at this point, so I think this could use a little more evidence and a lot more detail.
Oh, I guess there's the characters, too. They need a little more development, particularly Celestia. We don't really know anything about her, so we're left wondering why she would want Luna sent off to magic boot camp or whatever. Make her motives clearer, and she'll be a stronger villain.
There were some grammar things, too, but I'll save those for another time. Here are a few other notes I took:
First, 'fluorescent.' Second, is the pollen really glowing in the dark?
Your verbs shift between past and present tense for no discernable reason: stirs, trots, takes.
Gentleponies.
This came out of nowhere. If Luna thought he was only there to mock her, why would she let him in in the first place?
Meta much? Something like "She has plenty of adoring subjects" would fit much better.
Luna seems to be shifting moods pretty quickly. Try giving each swing a little more buildup, unless you want Luna to seem a bit unstable.
Be careful with the word 'smirk.' It has malevolent connotations.
You have to be careful with the details you use in recollections and memories. We don't remember everything, only the things that seemed important at the time or that would have left a lasting impact. This seems like an odd detail for Luna to remember.
Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly reviewer
1541967
Thank you so much. By the way, the pollen really does glow. It's supposed to be a trait of the flower I made. As for the rest, I admit to rushing a little. I should take time to develop the setting and characters a bit more. Thank you once more.
1542026 Neat, glowing flowers! I just wanted to make sure that's what you meant.