2 hours after the pizza incident
The pizza shop stallion stared emptily into space. Why the shop was open this late, he would never know, it wasn't like anypony ever came in to order something this late. He had finished cleaning the broken glass from the floor and put the kitchen back in order, however, just in case another pony did decide they wanted pizza at...2:43 in the morning. Explaining that happened to the door to his manager would be a beast of a different nature, but...
He was still too high to give a buck of about that.
Still, for the moment, everything was peaceful, as Princess Luna had created a beautiful night for him to work on. Aside from the quiet peeps of crickets outside the restaurant, everything was very quiet, and still.
Until faintly, ever so faintly, he heard what sounded like a mare yelling. Her voice was raspy, grumpy and very irritated, as it filled the night. It sounded like it was coming from the edge of town, but was rapidly getting louder and clearer.
In the distance, he began to make out two figures, both flyers, rocketing through the sleeping town. As they got closer still, he recognized the one closest to him as the princess he had served not long ago, this time, however, with a several earrings, and a large amount of something brown and sticky covering her face. The other, a cyan blue pegasus, was in hot pursuit, with a large stain of the brown material over the side of her flank.
As the Princess zoomed by, she screamed at the pegasus in pursuit,
"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!"
Followed by an irritated, "TWILIGHT, GET BACK HERE!"
The stallion was deeply worried and disgusted by the scene which had just unraveled in front of him. However, his disgust quickly faded into confusion as he mused, "It smells like chocolate lava cake..."
---------------------------------------------
Where we left off
Twilight quickly devoured the remainder of the pizza she had recently purchased, no longer bothering to tear apart the slices. Her hunger satiated, she looked to the dozen chocolate lava cakes she had purchased and realized she no longer wanted to eat them. Blinking a couple of times, she took one of the cakes in hoof and smashed herself face-first into the confectionary, covering her face and the front of her mane in the sickly-sweet brown goop. The rest of the cakes were stashed in various pockets of her stolen, 3 sizes too big, suit-jacket.
She decided she was no longer Patrick Swayze.
She was Rick James, bitch, and everybody better recognize.
It is at this point the narrator should probably mention that Princess Twilight had never been one for breaking the law, or even getting intoxicated legally. Upon recap, the princess was feeling the effects of the following simultaneously: 1 bottle of hard alcohol, 30 pills of viagra, enough magic grass to last a hard-core grass-head about 2 weeks, and enough shrooms to send a full-grown buffalo on one hell of a spirit quest. The alcohol and viagra had long since taken effect, but were still very much in her system. The magic grass and shrooms however, were just beginning to take effect. It is at this point that the narrator will temporarily split the story into 2 alternating perspectives, what Twilight saw, and what was really going on.
What Twilight saw was herself, R&B legend Rick James cruising through a cool-cat metropolis looking for his next gig at a smooth jazz bar.
What Twilight did, was stagger through the streets making bad trumpet noises with her mouth.
Rick James came across a rather happening establishment, soft light and cigarette smoke pouring from the windows while the sounds of saxophone sweetened the air.
Twilight said "cool man, cool." while staring into the windows of the local 24 hour laundromat.
As Rick entered the bar, he was greeted by the familiar snaps and whistles of all his longtime fans as his band began to set up. He cooly asked the bartender for a drink and the bartender nodded, sliding over a glass of his favorite scotch with a wink.
Twilight wandered into the laundromat, met with a few confused stares by the late-night residents of the town and a few bat-ponies, as she walked on her two hind legs while clapping her hooves together, eyes closed, grinning. She suddenly leaned on one of the washing machines and picked up a bottle of fabric softener, and took a few sips. (DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER. DON'T DO ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS TWILIGHT HAS DONE SO FAR EITHER, BUT MOST OF ALL DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER.)
Rick James hopped up on stage as his band finished warming up. He pulled at his jacket collar, cleared his throat and began to sing one of the bars favorite tunes.
Twilight hopped on top of the washing machine and began a horrendous, slurred, and off-key version of 'Super Freak' in the middle of the chorus, wailing "SHEH'S A SHUPAH FREEK, DUPER FREEK, SHEH'S SHOOPAH FREEKAY, YEAH!"
Rick James was met with wild applause from the bars many patrons, humbling nodding before hopping off stage and calmly rolling himself a cigarette, returning to the street.
Twilight screamed "THANK YOU, THANKS YEAH YOUSVE BEEN GRRRRRRREAT!" Before diving off the washing machine, landing face-first into the linoleum floor. She quickly got up, righted herself, and began to roll a dryer sheet into a tube. She placed the dryer sheet tube into her mouth, magically lit the other end, and walked back outside.
The laundromat remained silent for her departure, apart from the whirring of dryers and washers.
Twilight continued to walk through the streets, aimlessly and bucklessly, while smoking her rolled up dryer sheet. (DON'T SMOKE DRYER SHEETS EITHER, YOU IDIOT.)
Rick James continued to walk down the city street, steps in tandem with the jazz around him, while drawing on his perfectly rolled, sweet cigarette. Suddenly, Rick James saw his record producer, a real fly gal, Rainy Dee walking through the streets, smiling and waving at him.
Twilight staggered about until she saw her friend, Rainbow Dash, trotting up to her with a concerned look in her eyes.
"Twilight, what's up? You seem...weird. What's all over your face? And...why are you smoking a dryer sheet?"
Now Ricky had never been a player, but he could never deny the romantic and sexual tensions that had been surmounting between himself and his record producer. He had always wanted to make a move, ask her out to a fancy dinner, but they were professionals, and the time never seemed right, you know?
Twilight just stared at Rainbow Dash for a few seconds, blinking slowly.
"Uh...Equestria to Twilight, you in there?"
Rick James' mood took a turn for the worse; who was this Twilight cat? And how could Rainy Dee possibly mix the two of them up?! They worked together, and damn, he was Rick James!
"Whoze Twieliet?" was all Twilight could manage.
Rainbow Dash's look of concern grew. Sure, she didn't seem to really be herself, and it was long past her friend's self scheduled bed time, but this was definitely her.
"Um...you're Twilight, Twilight."
Rick James fumed, he'd be damned if he lost this hot piece of ass to some joker named Twilight, he was Rick James, and Rick James takes what he wants.
Twilight pulled a chocolate lava cake out of pocket and stared at it for a moment before looking back to Rainbow Dash. Twilight stared at the cake, then back to Dash. Cake. Dash. Cake. Dash.
"That's a...that's a nice cake you got there..."
Rick James cooly offered to take Rainy Dee out for some cake.
Twilight promptly slapped Rainbow Dash on the ass with an entire chocolate lava cake.
"TWILIGHT!" Rainbow Dash jumped, her flank now covered with the chunky, gooey cake, "What the hay?!"
Twilight smiled before taking off into the sky, laughing at the mare now left in her dust. Rainbow Dash quickly took off after her. Twilight was obviously under some kind of spell, and she'd bet anything that Discord was behind it, but for now, she had to restrain her friend before she hurt herself or somepony else.
Twilight turned around noticing the pegasus in hot pursuit, screaming,
"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH"
Well it's something.
Last time I saw someone this high someone less high was walking around with a double-headed axe yelling "WHERE IS HE?!"
...being the only one in my group who didn't routinely get high was a surreal experiance.
So, there's no way to refill your pocket of bucks? Even for alicorns? Great. So eventually all alicorns become like this. Forever. Very funny. Have a dislike, dude.
Baking the
Mary JaneMagic Grass would almost certainly cause the THC to vaporize. Which means that anyone going into that store is going to get hot boxed, depending on various factors.If you want to cook MJ, you need butter for the THC to bind to and become digestible.
4157047
Somepony gives too much of a buck
4157047
You're not spending your bucks wisely, my good sir.
YESYESYESYESYES
OH MY GOD YES
MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!
Now we only need Kat Williams and everything will be perfect
4152465
*unzips dick*
4156676
Gah! Sorrysorry... It was meant in jest. I should have made the joke more obvious.
why do i like this
What the buck did I just read? Never mind, I just don't give a buck.
i half expect her to smash through rarity's wall while shouting 'OH YEAH!' next
This is, without a doubt, the most retarded, stupid, and ridiculous fic I have ever read...
... and I love it. God help me, I fucking love it.
Even more amazing. Not that I give a buck.
~HM892
Huh. When she was chasing Rick James through the town, it would've been much worse for Dash if Twilight slapped the cake under her tail.
4157062 You are forgetting the grease in the cheese. It should work similar to butter. That said, I'm allergic as hell and am just running off of what I learned 10 years ago at my stint working at Pizza Hut in High School...hehe... High School.
I don't know what the hell is going on but I like it. Have a drunk Lulu. Not relevant to the story, but my bucks have given out years ago
i390.photobucket.com/albums/oo345/stryke81/MLP/456835__safe_solo_princessluna_drunk_artist-colon-skyline19.jpeg
Lol.
I can't wait to see Twilight do Charlie Sheen:
Hah.
EDIT
Typos fixed.
---=---
Story = full LOL.
4157047
The author never said there is no way to refill the bucks. He just said Alicorns are born with the same amount of bucks as other intelligent races. There can be a way to transfer bucks from someone... But for now, enjoy the show.
By my count that's three down (being too intoxicated to do anything straight, ruining her public image, and pissing off someone she knows personally), three to go (ODing, getting in trouble with the law (she isn't being chased by cops and guards, just Rainbow), and having sex (the state she's in, it's non-consensual whether she's forced or not)). Am I missing any?
4157850 I swear that someone is leaching my bucks... and when I find them, I wont give them a single buck
I'm not too sure what's happening, but I think I like it?
This is not the kind of story I generally read. It has little explanation for the actions taking place in it, is based entirely upon crude humour and drug jokes, and is just rather lewd altogether.
But you know what?
I don't give a buck.
liked and faved.
4157818 Someone gives too much of a buck.
4158020
Ya know what? What he said.
No seriously, I usually HATE this kind of fanfiction but the humor and jokes were done in a fashion that SOMEHOW makes this down right hilarious!
I guess it's probably the fact that despite all the drug and alcohol use, your making her act accurately to how someone would act which is to say A COMPLETE AN UTTER MORON...
but ya know what?
I don't give a buck, liked and fav'd
The lols, they are invading my mouth.
This seems to be funny but my give a buck died out long ago. So did my give a fuck and give a shit.
What the hell. Thumb up and fave.
4157047 You give a buck, fuck, AND shit. Congrats on being boring and mad all the time.
Awesome story, man
It gets better and better.
i.ytimg.com/vi/FCOkOPjIhtU/0.jpg
Nobody gives less of a buck than Twilight Sparkle!
If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death. And Twilight was at the top of the cliff. And all you needed was a buck to save your life. And Twilight had a pocket full of bucks.
She wouldn't give you one!
Meh. I don't give a buck anymore.
Best. Story. EVER.
4157890
I'm pretty sure that she had sex with the stallion in the bar.
I'd ask who Rick James is (bitch), but I just don't give a fuck. Shit.
You take some fuck and some shit and some fuck and some shit. You gotta fuck-shit stack, a fuck shit-stack! Take some fuck and some shit and some fuck and some shit. Its a stack of fuck-shit on-top of itself nigga! (Props if you get the reference)
three words,
holy,
bucken
shit
4157062 uhh...you know this how?
Get yo saxes everypony!
so what I got from this story was that I should drink fabric softener and don't smoke dryer sheets and now matter how matter how many times I whack twilight in the head with a nightstick, she wouldn't care.
I'm pretty sure thats not the morale of the story but I dont ca- oh shit. (Runs to the nearest convenience store to buy more bucks.)
4158612 Fluttershys rap, feckin awesome
4158576
Thanks for that, guess I wasn't reading closely enough. Any other kinds of "getting bucked" that I'm missing?
Don't forget gettin' in a fight, sugarcube.
Thanks for that, Applejack. So that means 4 down, 3 to go. Unless there's something else I'm forgetting about.
global3.memecdn.com/sarah-jessica-parker-got-a-new-rick-james-haircut_o_854536.jpg
Rick james muthafucka
4156983 That pic face though hahaha, fits
Another Jon Lajoie video about not giving a fuck.
netallsounds.free.fr/SpiderMan-Approves-ByRemo-EVA.jpg
4157047 No, they just learn to prioritize issues with careful reasoning and thought, instead of burning through bucks to give.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug...
4157047 its a comedy dude, meaning its all a joke, not real
Gotta love that alicorn metabolism, huh?
4158694
I majored in Horticulture and Chemistry. My education paid for itself before I even graduated. Fermentation, distillation, cultivation.. I graduated with honors and a nice nest egg.