//------------------------------// // Rick James // Story: No Bucks // by 71NYL-5CR4TCH //------------------------------// 2 hours after the pizza incident The pizza shop stallion stared emptily into space. Why the shop was open this late, he would never know, it wasn't like anypony ever came in to order something this late. He had finished cleaning the broken glass from the floor and put the kitchen back in order, however, just in case another pony did decide they wanted pizza at...2:43 in the morning. Explaining that happened to the door to his manager would be a beast of a different nature, but... He was still too high to give a buck of about that. Still, for the moment, everything was peaceful, as Princess Luna had created a beautiful night for him to work on. Aside from the quiet peeps of crickets outside the restaurant, everything was very quiet, and still. Until faintly, ever so faintly, he heard what sounded like a mare yelling. Her voice was raspy, grumpy and very irritated, as it filled the night. It sounded like it was coming from the edge of town, but was rapidly getting louder and clearer. In the distance, he began to make out two figures, both flyers, rocketing through the sleeping town. As they got closer still, he recognized the one closest to him as the princess he had served not long ago, this time, however, with a several earrings, and a large amount of something brown and sticky covering her face. The other, a cyan blue pegasus, was in hot pursuit, with a large stain of the brown material over the side of her flank. As the Princess zoomed by, she screamed at the pegasus in pursuit, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!" Followed by an irritated, "TWILIGHT, GET BACK HERE!" The stallion was deeply worried and disgusted by the scene which had just unraveled in front of him. However, his disgust quickly faded into confusion as he mused, "It smells like chocolate lava cake..." --------------------------------------------- Where we left off Twilight quickly devoured the remainder of the pizza she had recently purchased, no longer bothering to tear apart the slices. Her hunger satiated, she looked to the dozen chocolate lava cakes she had purchased and realized she no longer wanted to eat them. Blinking a couple of times, she took one of the cakes in hoof and smashed herself face-first into the confectionary, covering her face and the front of her mane in the sickly-sweet brown goop. The rest of the cakes were stashed in various pockets of her stolen, 3 sizes too big, suit-jacket. She decided she was no longer Patrick Swayze. She was Rick James, bitch, and everybody better recognize. It is at this point the narrator should probably mention that Princess Twilight had never been one for breaking the law, or even getting intoxicated legally. Upon recap, the princess was feeling the effects of the following simultaneously: 1 bottle of hard alcohol, 30 pills of viagra, enough magic grass to last a hard-core grass-head about 2 weeks, and enough shrooms to send a full-grown buffalo on one hell of a spirit quest. The alcohol and viagra had long since taken effect, but were still very much in her system. The magic grass and shrooms however, were just beginning to take effect. It is at this point that the narrator will temporarily split the story into 2 alternating perspectives, what Twilight saw, and what was really going on. What Twilight saw was herself, R&B legend Rick James cruising through a cool-cat metropolis looking for his next gig at a smooth jazz bar. What Twilight did, was stagger through the streets making bad trumpet noises with her mouth. Rick James came across a rather happening establishment, soft light and cigarette smoke pouring from the windows while the sounds of saxophone sweetened the air. Twilight said "cool man, cool." while staring into the windows of the local 24 hour laundromat. As Rick entered the bar, he was greeted by the familiar snaps and whistles of all his longtime fans as his band began to set up. He cooly asked the bartender for a drink and the bartender nodded, sliding over a glass of his favorite scotch with a wink. Twilight wandered into the laundromat, met with a few confused stares by the late-night residents of the town and a few bat-ponies, as she walked on her two hind legs while clapping her hooves together, eyes closed, grinning. She suddenly leaned on one of the washing machines and picked up a bottle of fabric softener, and took a few sips. (DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER. DON'T DO ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS TWILIGHT HAS DONE SO FAR EITHER, BUT MOST OF ALL DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER.) Rick James hopped up on stage as his band finished warming up. He pulled at his jacket collar, cleared his throat and began to sing one of the bars favorite tunes. Twilight hopped on top of the washing machine and began a horrendous, slurred, and off-key version of 'Super Freak' in the middle of the chorus, wailing "SHEH'S A SHUPAH FREEK, DUPER FREEK, SHEH'S SHOOPAH FREEKAY, YEAH!" Rick James was met with wild applause from the bars many patrons, humbling nodding before hopping off stage and calmly rolling himself a cigarette, returning to the street. Twilight screamed "THANK YOU, THANKS YEAH YOUSVE BEEN GRRRRRRREAT!" Before diving off the washing machine, landing face-first into the linoleum floor. She quickly got up, righted herself, and began to roll a dryer sheet into a tube. She placed the dryer sheet tube into her mouth, magically lit the other end, and walked back outside. The laundromat remained silent for her departure, apart from the whirring of dryers and washers. Twilight continued to walk through the streets, aimlessly and bucklessly, while smoking her rolled up dryer sheet. (DON'T SMOKE DRYER SHEETS EITHER, YOU IDIOT.) Rick James continued to walk down the city street, steps in tandem with the jazz around him, while drawing on his perfectly rolled, sweet cigarette. Suddenly, Rick James saw his record producer, a real fly gal, Rainy Dee walking through the streets, smiling and waving at him. Twilight staggered about until she saw her friend, Rainbow Dash, trotting up to her with a concerned look in her eyes. "Twilight, what's up? You seem...weird. What's all over your face? And...why are you smoking a dryer sheet?" Now Ricky had never been a player, but he could never deny the romantic and sexual tensions that had been surmounting between himself and his record producer. He had always wanted to make a move, ask her out to a fancy dinner, but they were professionals, and the time never seemed right, you know? Twilight just stared at Rainbow Dash for a few seconds, blinking slowly. "Uh...Equestria to Twilight, you in there?" Rick James' mood took a turn for the worse; who was this Twilight cat? And how could Rainy Dee possibly mix the two of them up?! They worked together, and damn, he was Rick James! "Whoze Twieliet?" was all Twilight could manage. Rainbow Dash's look of concern grew. Sure, she didn't seem to really be herself, and it was long past her friend's self scheduled bed time, but this was definitely her. "Um...you're Twilight, Twilight." Rick James fumed, he'd be damned if he lost this hot piece of ass to some joker named Twilight, he was Rick James, and Rick James takes what he wants. Twilight pulled a chocolate lava cake out of pocket and stared at it for a moment before looking back to Rainbow Dash. Twilight stared at the cake, then back to Dash. Cake. Dash. Cake. Dash. "That's a...that's a nice cake you got there..." Rick James cooly offered to take Rainy Dee out for some cake. Twilight promptly slapped Rainbow Dash on the ass with an entire chocolate lava cake. "TWILIGHT!" Rainbow Dash jumped, her flank now covered with the chunky, gooey cake, "What the hay?!" Twilight smiled before taking off into the sky, laughing at the mare now left in her dust. Rainbow Dash quickly took off after her. Twilight was obviously under some kind of spell, and she'd bet anything that Discord was behind it, but for now, she had to restrain her friend before she hurt herself or somepony else. Twilight turned around noticing the pegasus in hot pursuit, screaming, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH"