No Bucks

by 71NYL-5CR4TCH

Take one down, pass it around...

Twilight sauntered in to her own library with the grace of a tranquilized rhinoceros, 'opening' the door by exploding it in front of her face, sending sizable, smoldering splinters of soft maple into her front yard. She gazed into her library and with a couple of *smacks* from her mouth, decided that 10 o'clock in the morning was a perfectly reasonable time to start working on her wine stash. As if on cue, her 'number one assistant' peaked his head into the doorway, examining the crispy remains before seeing Twilight wobbling towards the cellar door.

"Uh, Twilight? Where have you been all night? There's been rumors around town that you started up a real ruckus and now Rainbow Dash and the...um...the police are looking for you..." Spike twiddled his thumbs nervously. Sure, he had known and trusted Twilight all his life, but she was in quite a state at the moment, and the present ruler of all of Equestria, so he was careful not to overstep his boundaries.

As soon as Spike finished his inquiry, Twilight whipped her head around, sunglasses sliding partly off her face to expose one eye with which Twilight could make eye contact. Twilight began a slow, precise walk up to her trusted friend, maintaining her gaze for the entire march.

"The police? The police Spike? Do you wanna know...what I think about the POLICE?" Twilight's face was beginning to contort into a horrible glare, clearly enraged.

"That...that they're a necessary force for good, maintaining peace and order..?" Spike asked hopefully.

"Man..."

Twilight's horn began to glow purple.

"BUCK THA POLICE!!"

A record scratch from seemingly nowhere introduced a funky, rhythmic beat with which Twilight began to shake her flank in a horribly unorthodox and erratic pattern as she literally bounced (or more like bumped) off the walls of the the library. Over the sounds of the music, a stallion's voice could be heard, giving a rather exciting court proceeding, beginning with an introduction of the judge, the case of some group against an unspecified police department , and a long list of oddly-named attorneys.

What in Equestria is going on right now...who is Easy E? How many maternal mares did he have sex with to earn that title?!

Twilight was, meanwhile, had mysteriously acquired a backwards ball-cap and crossed her forelegs in front of her torso, bobbing her head up and down.

Dear Celestia she's becoming Pinkie Pie... Spike noted in worry, and after a quick spin-like maneuver, Twilight lost balance, wobbled about the library for a bit, and crashed through the cellar door, tumbling down the long, stone, staircase. When Spike went to check on her, he noticed she was now wearing a large golden chain necklace, looking up at Spike from her back.

"Twilight..? Are you al-"

"BUCK THA POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND! A YOUNG FILLY GOT IT BAD CAUSE I'M FUCKING PURPLE!!!"

"Y-yes, Twilight. You are underground...and purple...what are you doing now?" Spike asked with a mix of concern and exasperation as the song continued.

"I'm drinking the wine, Spike."

"How much wine, Twilight?"

"All the wine."

Spike's face grew to one of horror. There was, quite literally, enough wine in that cellar to replace all of the mass of Twilight's body...at least 3 or 4 times over.

"Twilight, I don't know if you should-"

"PfshfhsBITCH! You ain't ma dad, and even if you wuz, I'd pop a cap in yo ass cause I don't give a BUCK!!"

"Twilight, why are you talking like that?" Spike asked, still standing at the top of the staircase as Twilight got back on her hooves and began magically uncorking a bottle of wine.

"I 'unno," Twilight shrugged, before levitating a bottle of wine over to Spike, "here, put this in the freezer; I'll want it later."

"Um, Twilight?"

"Real easy, Spike."

"Yeah, but-"

"Oh for bucks sake, look just-" Twilight spun her head to face Spike.

"It's not that...our friends are here."

Twilight immediately grabbed 12 bottles of wine, not bothering to read any form of label, and teleported to the main floor of the library, where her 5 friends stood waiting, all with a look of immense concern. Twilight appeared before them in a glorious display of light, scanned them for a few brief seconds, vomited on the hardwood floor, and wiped the residue away from her muzzle with her foreleg.

"...S'up sluts?"

"Twilight! We've been worried sick about you! Rainbow Dash told us what happened last night...are you alright?! Are you under some kind of spell? And...sluts? That's rather rude, don't you think?" Rarity pointed out.

"Eh," was all Twilight could say. "No spell. New me. No bucks, you get the idea. Oh, I'm like, head princess now too. Pretty cool, right?" Twilight grinned.

"Head princess? What does that even mean? An what in tarnation is this music? An why are ya'll drinking at 10 in tha mornin?" Applejack piped up, also voicing her concern.

"Celestia put me in charge. I got rid of laws. First decree, Celestia's not getting her throne back. Mine now. Second decree..." Twilight began to levitate 2 bottles of wine to each of her friends, "drink up, bitches!"

"Um...Twilight...I don't, um, drink..." Fluttershy whispered.

"Yeah, me neither!" Rainbow Dash yelled, "It slows me down, and makes me all groggy."

The other mares stared at Rainbow Dash for a moment.

"Uh...Sugarcube, you drink cider all the time." Applejack pointed out.

"Yeah, so?" Rainbow Dash asked indignantly.

"Cider has alcohol in it silly! We've all seen you drink!" Pinkie Pie chirped while bouncing around her friends. "And I, for one, welcome our new drunken overlord!" Pinkie Pie stated with a genuine smile, "Let's party!"

"Wait, there's alcohol in cider?!" Rainbow Dash asked, visibly confused. "I thought it just made me feel good cause it was so tasty..." Rainbow muttered under her breath.

"GIRLS! I think we may be getting away from a more, *ahem*, pressing issue?" Rarity pointed out as she gestured to Twilight, currently chugging to the end of her first bottle of wine.

"Right!" Rainbow declared, "So this is a race, huh?! And since apparently I do drink, I may as well win!" Rainbow uncorked her bottle with her teeth and began chugging.

Applejack furrowed her brow, "Rainbow! That is not the issue!"

"Why, scared I'll drink you under the table?" Rainbow taunted.

"Psh, as if! You didn't even know you drank! Ah drink every day!" Applejack announced.

The room was silent for a moment.

"AH DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!"

"Right...anyway, Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow asked.

"I'm game!" She chirped.

"Rarity?"

"I should hardly think so! Getting drunk at a time like this is..." Rarity looked down at her bottle, "Oh my stars this a 203 CE bottle of Pinot Grigio from the Griffin Lands! This is some really expen- I mean nice wine...well, who am I to deny a good time?" Rarity's demeanor rapidly changed, as it is ought to do, "I'm in!"

"Fluttershy?"

"I um...I don't think...it's not...oh my." Fluttershy whispered, staring at her bottle of wine.

She had somewhat lied to her friends.

She didn't drink...anymore.

Not since...

The incident.

Author's Note:

Hey guys, new chapter, thanks for waiting, mehcalwekhbflaiucebwdczsdchbaeyuscl. There.

Comments

[ShadowLDrago]

The incident? Do go on...

[TheGreatEater]

As if on cue, her 'number one assistant peaked his head into the doorway

Needs an end '.
____________

As soon as Spike finished his inquiry, twilight whipped her head around, sunglasses sliding partly off her

Twilight
____________

A record scratch from seemingly nowhere introduced a funky, rhythmic beat with which twilight began to shake her flank in a horribly unorthodox

Twilight
_____________

An what in tarnation is this music? An why are ya'll drinking at 10 in tha mornin

ya
___________

And it's ALIVE!!!!!! It'll be interesting when Tia returns and and Twilight tells her the the throne's hers now, no take backs.

[Moon_Dew]

Please don't make us wait so long for the rest of the story.

[Majin Syeekoh]

I almost think you should keep the spelling errors.

[Helloman892]

FUCK THE MUTHAFUCKIN POLICE

[Timothy48]

"I um...I don't think...it's not...oh my." Fluttershy whispered, staring at her bottle of wine.
She had lied to her friends.
She didn't drink...anymore.
Not since...
The incident.

Why is it always the quiet ones?

[Chaotic Note]

5266113
my god

[Apocryphal Frost]

Huh, I always just assumed Applejack sold non-fermented cider. Because the town is still standing.

And Pinkie buys like, a hundred pony's worth of the stuff.

Off topic, but this is also why the crowd of ponies that turned on the Apples were completely in the right. Applejack's close, personal friend bought so much at the very beginning that even if Applejack somehow made enough for everyone, which she doesn't, there would still be like a hundred ponies not getting their cider.

[Twiggles6]

Welp. I just marathoned this story... I'll just leave this fave right here for ya.

[Seether00]

Drink, Drink, Drink!

Chug, Chug, Chug!

[Timothy48]

5266209 When I read that line, that was the first thing that popped into my mind.

[ArchAngelGundam]

Well, Equestria is doomed. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

[honeyhoneyhoney]

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!1

*writhes everywhere, smashin' into all teh tables&

[Fictional Critic]

I love this story so much!! Please keep the updates coming!

[Mr Good Cat]

THE INCIDENT?

Drunk shy is best shy...

[Raven]

...S'up sluts.

Real classy Twilight.

[Jack of a Few Trades]

Listening to NWA while reading this made it a hell of a lot funnier. Good to see an update from this story!

[Pogmin]

"I for won welcome our insect overlords."

[1stChosenStar]

First of all: ITS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!
Second of all: The incident?
Third of all: How long until the others run out of bucks as well?

[Europa]

Take one down, pass it around...

... still zero bucks on the wall!

[PhysicsInvers342]

That was so perfect. NWA? Yup, You win.

[DGGames]

Over 1 year since this story started, and new update.... and even though twas a lil short, twas worth the wait

[FanOfMostEverything]

Ooh, it lives! And yes, it's well documented that Pinkie powers and insanity go hand in hand. Looking forward to more, whenever it may come.

[articunos bitch]

"...S'up sluts?"

I use that line every chance I get.

"Celestia put me in charge. I got rid of laws. First decree, Celestia's not getting her throne back. Mine now. Second decree..." Twilight began to levitate 2 bottles of wine to each of her friends, "drink up, bitches!"

She's off to a fine start.

"AH DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!"

She lives with Applebloom. That's why she drinks.

[Iron Comet]

If this doesn't end with a drunken Rarity or Applejack or Twilight getting lucky with Spike I will be dissapointed.

[lazyreader19]

GODDAMMIT WHAT HAVE I READ? WHY DO I WANT TO KEEP READING?
WHAT WAS THE INCIDENT? OH SHIT NO LAWS, HOW THE BUCK ARE REPERCUSSIONS GONNA BE?

WHY ALL THE CAPS?

FFFFFFUUUUUUUU

Damn fun read.

[Yami Vizzini]

This can only end well.

[Philosophysics]

Ladies and Gentlemen
Mares and GentleColts

I present to you...

(Drum Roll Please)

The No Bucks Given Song

I got stressed and now I'm not!
Fuel Gauge Empty, running on fumes!
Buck the no fun stuff!
BUCK IT ALL TO BUCKINGDOM!

COME DRINK SOME BEER!!!!!!!!!!

We've got Coke
We've got Pot
We've got every drug in the world!

Horsemen of the apocalypse come!
Drag them in!
Give them X!!!!!! T!!!!!!!! C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't give a buck! Don't give a buck!

(You guys come up with the next verse.)

[KnightMysterio]

Well, this can't end well.

[Mynameisamystery]

Well, shit.

[71M073J]

LET THE ANARfuckingCHY COMMENCE
xD y'all should be fav'd more

[Scarves]

She didn't drink...anymore.
Not since...
The incident.

DUN
DUN
DUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!
S##t's going down next chapter.

[Elkhorse]

Twilight doesn't give a buck. The author doesn't give a fuck, the reader doesn't give a fuck. It's the trfecta of 'fuck everything, acquire something.'

[Maiah]

ITS ALIVE

And ludicrous.

I'm still waiting for this to get irredeemably out of hand and really get fucked up.

[Guilty King]

I don't think she gives a buck.

[Dust Scoll]

ok

[Shadow Night]

Oh shit. Things are about to go straight to Tartarus in a saddlebag.

[Jinxed]

Ah, it is back.

[Monochromation]

The incident.

[youtube=6nSKkwzwdW4]

[Starlight Nova]

Where did you get the cover art?

[Pleaseworkforonce]

I don't know why I am even bothering to say this on a comedy, but a lot of cider is alcohol free.

[XEN0KID]

I love it

[Commander Jenna Cipher]

Favorite and like... I will use my last two fucks on this story.

*does so?*

Sup.

Wanna get drunk ya idiots.

[Iron Comet]

Why has this not updated! Does the writer have no bucks anymore?

[Sable Dawn]

You shall tell all of us the details of the Incident, have Fluttershy drink everyone under the table and have them wake up in the morning all tangled up in bed,being like "oh hell no what did we do" then proceed to lose all the bucks, then Celestia gets called back and Twilight shall make he wear a maid outfit and dance while the song "i like big butts"(plot ,maybe some kind of pseudo humor by getting pinkie say that this is a good plot).
This is the insanity that i am looking forward to, still loving this, it just keeps getting crazier.
Do not the rest of you also desire this?

[Zytharros]

5589913
And Flutters is the only one stone sober at the end.
'Cuz, y'know, her tolerance is astronomical.

[Thought Prism]

"And I, for one, welcome our new drunken overlord!" Pinkie Pie stated with a genuine smile, "Let's party!"

This is the best possible reaction.

[whitemew]

I for one think this author ran out of cocaine to keep writing this xDDDD

[NotARock]

We need more drugs.

Also, more chapters.

Also, more drugs.

[charliebrown921]

5972255