Dawnstar Sunbeam
Joined 11th Jan, 2013 ·
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Pretty good start-up so far. Can't wait to read more.
Can't wait till next chapter
4346242 Hoping it won't be too much longer. Although if I don't have it out within the next week, It might be set back. My father is going in for a double knee replacement so everything aside from helping around the house and work is getting put on a back burner. (Don't worry though, just because it's taken a back seat doesn't mean I forgot about it. that would make me a bad chef if I forget about the garnish.)
I don't own or play Titanfall, but know enough to enjoy crossovers like this one. I patiently await future chapters
4358147 Yeah I can't exactly say I was too thrilled with Titanfall. The idea is good but I don't enjoy playing it enough. I suppose if I had more time to play, or had more friends to play with when I was on. Right now though it makes for a cool story.
As a Titanfall enthusiast and longtime member of this site...
Eugh. The pacing on this needs a lot of work. Some kids are just out swimming on some planet, and in what seems to the reader like mere seconds, an entire family has been killed and a Militia pilot appears out of nowhere and just decides to call in a Titan.
The Militia is big on helping out the people. So what dumbass Militia pilot calls in a Titan right on top of a bunch of civvies?
There are many technical errors, from grammar to spelling to sentence formatting. You don't put shouting in capslock, for one thing.
If your story has failed moderation twice before, that should be an indicator to get this story to an editor BEFORE you put it up on the public domain. A good deal of those downvotes likely came from people annoyed by the technical issues of the story alone.
I'd find an editor to get the technical issues ironed out, and then maybe send this off to a reviewing group to cover the story itself. I would recommend the Writers and Reviewers institute for Technical Excellence for this.
4494333 Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to look into getting an editor. As for the pacing, I'll try to slow it down a bit. As for accuracy to Titanfall, don't get me wrong, I do like the game, but your arguments for calling in a titan close to civilians, when in perspective they are hundreds of meters apart, I don't see how that's calling a titan down on top of them, in addition he didn't know they were there until after in the titan. Where as in Titanfall you call your titan literally on top of your allies, which if realism were to be in play in the game would kill or damage your own forces. And Titanfall didn't exactly have an immense introduction, they just kinda threw you into the fray and added the story as sort of an afterthought. Not a bad story mind you, but when I started playing the game initially I was like. "Ok, training mission. ok. suddenly alarms, first mission, instant action bombs gunfire and titans. I was so lost, I didnt know who i was fighting, or who i was fighting for until halfway through the "Campaign" if it could be called that. More like Narrative thrown over a multiplayer deathmatch.
Done ranting now, sorry, but I will look into fixing the pacing and editing like you said. Thanks for the pointers.
My guess is that its gonna start out all violent and then human and ponys are friends or they will see eachother as eniemes
4496290
Good guess, and I can see why you thought that because a lot of fics tend to lead either one path or the other, But I have a feeling that even though it may seem like its going to turn out one way, suddenly the path will split into several different roads, one including a loop-de-loop. *
Yep, so I got bored and used my awesome paint skills to half ass poor mans photoshop myself together a cover image. WOO!
I Got first comment! Life complete!
Wait a second...
TWO ponies are missing???
...
!!!
Uh-oh...
I think they're about to have company...
4514630
Good guess
Lol spitfire what a chode.
4373944 I have it and the dlc we could play if you want
Evil pinkie is evil
this should be entertaining HmmHmm...
?
AAhhh!
OMG!!!
GO AWAY PINKIE!!!
awww...
YAAA...
DERP
Hey everypony. Sorry it's been so long. I've had a lot going on this past few months. My father's knee surgery went well, but he also had a couple surgeries to remove cataracts from his eyes. Also a success, so he's feeling pretty good as of late.
Even now though I still have quite a bit going on, he's got one more surgery and I am trying to get a new job, but I feel that I am ready to retake the mantle of this story and continue on. So expect a new chapter sometime soon. Although I do think I'm going to tone down my pacing and make the chapters much longer.
Here's to hoping for a good return and see if I can't pick up where I left off in my creative mojo.
5186911 I know the chapter isn't much longer this first edition release of my story, but I needed to let everypony know I was back, since my comment isn't going to pop up in anyones notifications. Next chapter will probably take about a month if everything goes well and i don't get writers block.
Yeshh....
...let him live... For now
For some reason, I can't favourite this. It just won't let me.
EDIT: Nope, never mind. I got it to work.
An Atlas with the Dash Core... Dear lord that would be frightening. Especially since it presumably still has it's Damage Core.
Hmm, live or die? Honestly, they decided to attempt to disable his Titan, and therefore are technically attacking him. I say crush 'em.
5195260 He actually has an experimental titan with the new multi-core system, he has all three cores damage/dash/shield, including two expansion slots in the event they develop more core types. Essentially its a revolver of a titan, six cores total, the standard power plant core that allows the titan to function at all, and 5 slots (3 in use) for expanded cores that can be interchanged.
Biggest issue I have about the whole story: when in survival situations, you want to have a clear chain of command (just like in combat). In other words, you want to have ranks. The Major here is a Grade-A moron to not understand that. Take that from a former US Army soldier. Ranks are not there for show. There is a reason as to why they exist. To randomly dismiss ranks like this is pure stupidity. Add on the various other, extremely basic mistakes made by this "officer", he shows that he doesn't deserve the rank. How he can realistically even pass the most basic officer school is beyond me.
Second issue: Dillan has got a firm grip on the idiot ball and doesn't seem like he's going to let go of it any time soon (Despite the Major's earnest attempts at grabbing it for himself by attacking unidentified thermal signatures on the assumption that they were hostile [meaning, that the Major just performed an act of war against a foreign nation, and a crime by most nations' military legal systems]). For example, in this section of dialogue:
First underline: Problem one, is Dillian trying to commit treason and get people killed? He already said he's not going to trust the pony, but then goes and gives the pony a major advantage on his own side, in the form of intelligence. I've seen people get charged with treason for less serious actions then that, and the charges stuck. Problem two, the first portion of the sentence makes the second portion a "No shit, Sherlock" moment. This makes the entire section sound awkward as suddenly, Dillian is treating both the pony and the readers, like they are idiots and can't figure it out for themselves. Don't do that. We are intelligent enough to add two and two together to get four.
Withholding vital information from friendlies is just as damning as providing information to the enemy.
Second underline: How does he know this? He is talking about this like he knows exactly what's going on, when he actually doesn't. Given that this is a military operation, Dillian is just asking to be thrown into a jail cell (or whatever other cell they can jury-rig to hold him).
Third underline: Shall we add more evidence to the charge of "treason"?
Third issue: While you've acknowledged the issue, you should still take the time to just read through the chapter yourself. For example, you have an issue with randomly capitalizing the first Letter of a word in the middle of a sentence every once in a while (error done intentionally). This isn't something that needs an editor to fix. Even though this chapter that I'm commenting on is old, to get to the better stuff (as far as errors go), I still need to slog through the early stuff. Even if you already published chapter, fix it any spelling/grammar errors you find, as it allows people who haven't read the whole story to not get turned off by such mistakes. As for other major novel errors (poor descriptions, plot holes, poor characterization, etc), that's up to you as to whether you want to do a quick patch job, take the chapter done and rewrite it immediately, rewrite it later (like after the story is complete), or let it stand.
5546079 Thank you for all this, actually you are one of the few people to read this that hasn't messaged me saying "i like it/dislike it" without giving a reason why. I haven't been particularly active on the site as of late but I will definitely take some time next time I am working on the next chapter to sit down and revise these mistakes and the ones pointed out by Winter.
5555498 I must know, I must fuckin know, do those cupcakes get shredded by the MG? Please answer if your not gonna include it.
4494333 he says they were two different stories. That is all.
5555498 I agree with gamer4COD!
6944705
6195085
Sorry guys I've been on hiatus way too long. As soon as I get some free time, maybe in my next few days off I will finally start working on revamping the story. I just kind of lost my creative flow and never really actually mapped out the path this story would take, and as a writer that is lazy and negligent on my part. And I've been on a long Hiatus From mlp, and almost lost interest. I apologize, I'm trying to start over.
6949143 Tell me, just tell me, does. The. Cupcakes. Get shredded. I know your rewriting a lot of this, but you must've planned for the cupcakes to be shot up or ate up. Tell me!