Rough Landing: A Desert Geek's Experience of Equestria

by DrZed

The Beast, the Redneck and the Harlot

Applejack grins broadly and nods, "C'mon Everypony!" She hops off the porch and heads towards one of the outbarns.

I chuckle, set Flutters down and begin following the herd after AJ.

Applejack pushes open the barn doors and I see my ride.

Affectionately referred to as 'The Beast',
He's a 57 Chevy Nomad, that's a station wagon for the average joe, jacked up on all terrain truck tires, and converted to a hybrid. The big V-6 engine has long since been removed and replaced with a large brace of batteries, a smaller generator engine and convertors, all of which fit inside the large engine compartment easily.

The Beast is a high-tech Wasteland-Punk styled 'Rat Ride' A type of muscle car where simple is best, painted fat primer grey, Few of the original chrome pieces remain. The classic fins along the sides are solid black to contrast the primer grey.

Up front, a large grill guard with a heavy duty winch rests. Atop the roof is a custom welded roof rack including a set of folded solar panels for trickle feeding the power system, dual front facing Ultralights, and a spotlight/goPro camera mounted between them on a custom motorized rig. Before my location change I could pack almost an entire SCA war party's camp kit on the top and in the spacious back end.

I pause... there's something different about it. It seems... bigger than I remember it. I come to the side... and there's an extra set of doors... What? There used to be a driver and a passenger door, now there's an extra door, and the entire body is extended seamlessly as though a master welder has come in quietly and made the change while I was gone.

"Applejack? Did the guards do anything to my car since it was found?"

"Zed, I don't even think they'd know where to begin."

"Ok, Let's ask him ourselves."

"Him?"

After glancing at the headlights, and seeing the yellow set of LED's in the array embedded in the headlights is glowing, I know it's batteries aren't dead.

I reach up to the driver side door, and tap my code into the keypad I ripped out of the wreck of another car.

I step back and listen to the machine's systems come online. Being a total geek I integrated a computer system into the Beast with it's own custom coding and sounds, crossbreeding that with the power management system of a totaled Prius. The whirring of the cooling fans spin up sounding almost like a miniature turbine. The headlights flash green then go steady, and after a moment, it speaks in a loud, deep bassy voice.

"SPEAK THE WORDS."

At that Fluttershy squeaks and hides behind my legs and all the ponies are staring at the car.

I repeat the quote from memory, "Give me a lever, and a fulcrum upon which to place it, and I can move the world."

"ACCEPTED." The voice drops to a medium volume, "Greetings Master."

Then something surprising happens.

A moment of static and then I hear the voice of Scooter from the Borderlands series pipes up. "Shit and meatballs son! Where the hell have you been!? We gotta be in BFE, Ahm getting jack shit fer signals, Even the GPS is offline. Where the hell are we man?"

"uhh... Scooter?"

"In the flesh... well so to speak. Ya'll know you can always come to Scooter's and Catcharide!"

"What are you doing... in my car?"

"Ah hell son, Ever since that electrical surge all yer data's gone mish-mashy in here, it's also when all the signals went dead. Then there were these weird lookin ponies who parked me in here..." The spotlight mounted camera comes active on top and scans me and my erstwhile crew. "Ahh shit... sorry bout that, Ah din't know they was yer friends."

"What happened to you.. err the car?"

"Ah don't know, the last thing I saw before I went offline was this thing that looked like one a Doc Ned's experiments in a mechanic's suit. Hang on lemme wake Moxxi and she'll pull up a pitcher of Im'."

"Wait... Moxxi?"

"Oh yeah! She done settled in yer laptop!"

Oh great, the Queen of Innuendo has taken up residence in my laptop. What the hell. Oddly appropriate in a Fridge Logic way.

"Anything... or Anyone else to report?"

"Well sure! Bloodwing's in yer Raptor, and Marcus is in charge of the Forge."

"Umm... Wow, So the drone I just got and... What's the Forge?"

"That there primitive digistruct system y'all got in the back."

"You're not saying...the 3D printer too?"

"That there weird mechanic's been busy son, All I gotta tell ya is yer ride just got even more awesome! Roxxi! Wake up! The Boss is here!"

I step around to the driver's door which opens automatically, and take a seat. My favorite game series, Borderlands 1 and 2, have been on my laptop since I got it. I never expected it to take over. I turn my head and see that my Gateway system, also oddly larger, is automatically opening and powering on, with a sultry yawn, nonetheless. I ease the seat back and set the machine on my lap.

Moxxi fades into visibility on the screen in her usual too-tight outfit and says,"Good mornin Sugar, It's been a while since I've sat in your lap. So... Have I been a good girl or a bad girl?"

Now I recall I had the laptop connected to the car's power, network, and the big screen, but I never expected this.

"Moxxi, You are always a bad girl, but aside from that, do you have any idea what happenned? Are the rest of the characters as ... aware as you and Scooter?"

"Oh hun, We're all in here, it's a party and everybody's invited." She turns the 'camera' and I see all of them, All 10 vault hunters, Doc Zed, Tiny Tina, Scooter, Marcus, Ellie, Mr Torgue, ButtStallion, Even Handsome Jack, and a crew of psychos, Nomads, loaders, and badasses, every character from both games are hanging out in Moxxi's bar set. Even Innuendo Bot, the robot priest, is doing shots of what looks like WD40 at the bar.

I shake my head to clear it. "Sorry wasnt expecting this. Please bring up the last video footage before the system went down."

"Sure thing Honey, business before pleasure, as long as there is pleasure afterward." She pushes a window across that shows royal guard ponies clustered around the car, pushing it into the barn, then closing the doors, the video fast forwards according to the counter in the corner, I see the sun tracing it's path through cracks in the door, two days or so pass, and then with a flash and a spray of rubber ducks, Dischord in a mechanic's outfit with the name 'Disco' appears. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wrench glowing with arcane symbols and wipes it with a rag, then he grins at the camera and the feed cuts out.

No fucking way...

Dischord... pimped my ride?

I don't know whether to be orgasmically ecstatic or scared shitless.

I look out and all the girls are staring at me.

"Zed, Are you ok?" Rarity asks, looking at me worried, as well as the rest of them look concerned.

"Ummm ... I need a moment." I set the laptop aside, reach under the seat and find the plastic bin, pulling it forward between my legs. I open it, and pull out my pipe, lighter, and the baggy... I load it with great care and spark up, taking a long drag...

Don't judge me. Before all this pony crap happened, I had a medical card for two cracked vertebrae, so shut the hell up.

I clear the bowl and relax....

Pinkie sniffs, "Hmm. Smells like The Kush family's medical herbs."

No way... The Kush family?

"Pinks? Are you serious? Wait, That's not the right question to ask... Can I meet them later on?"

Pinkie nodnods, "Of course, Silly! They have a shop in Ponyville! Right next to Berry Punch's Brewery!"

"Well, that's awesome." I take a deep breath. "later....Right now, Scooter?"

"Yeah Boss?"

"It's time for a test drive. Please help the ladies get in."

"On it! This gonna be good!"

The rest of the doors swing open and at this point I am not surprised... little ramps extend down from the car, making access to the seats easy. Twilight and Rarity take up the rest of the front bench, the rest fill up the second bench, except Rainbow, who lands on top where there's a fold out seat. She taps on the roof, "Let's get this wagon rolling!"

A slow grin crosses my face. "You asked for it Dashie. Ladies, I'd advise you use the seat belts, they pull across and have a latch on the other side." A bunch of clicking noises and everybody's secure.

I ease on the accelerator and take it out of the barn, "Ok Scooter, tome for your catch phrase...."

"Catch... a... RIIIIDEEEEE!" At that I floor it, feeling the ground grabbing tires yank the car and everyone else in it down the wagon path to the entrance to Sweet apple acres.

Cranking the wheel, the car shimmies as I line it up to the main road.

"Deejay! Track 42!" As we tear down the road to Ponyville the sound system starts cranking.

"Oh hell yeah!" I see the corner coming up, and an evil grin crosses my face, I punch it, crank the wheel and then ease the Beast into a four wheel dirt drift, throwing roostertails of dust behind us.

I pull out of the drift and right up ahead is the bridge... I line it up, "Brace yourselves!" I manage to shout before we hit it, launching the car into the air.

Sticking the landing, I hit the brakes, backing way down, pulling the car discreetly behind Carousel Boutique.

Moxxi's voice comes on over the sound system, "Thank you for Flying Beast Airlines, Please put your tray tables and seat backs in an upright position before exiting the vehicle." Moxxi reappears on the screen leaning forward provacatively, "Oh honey, with the way you drive, you got me all turned on."

"Moxxi, on that subject, go back to the party, Hibernate mode. And thanks, Sexy."

"Anything for you, Sugar." She turns and faces the bar, and the screen goes black on one heck of a butt shot.

The doors pop open and the ramps extend. The ladies exit, as do I.

I step away from the rest, "Dischord! you Mix and Match Sonovabitch, Where are you?"

"Somepony called my name?" an eyeball opens up in the space in front of me and looks around.

"You know damn well who."

The eye blinks and opens wide, looking at me. It then pops out, followed shortly by the rest of him squeezing out like

toothpaste from a tube. "So, How are things?"

"Lookin up, Definitely lookin up. So was it you who put me here?"

"Oh no, That wasnt me, that was the Author."

"Oh right.. him. I gotta admit, the show writers wouldn't be able to get this kinda shit past the censors."

Dischord grins "It was his idea to let me at your car too, It's now a three way hybrid, "Scooter, pop the hood!"

Moxxi's voice quips sounding a bit hurt, "You never wanna see my undercarriage."

I roll my eyes, "With what you typically wear Moxxi, it's already on display."

A pleased giggle, "Oh so you admit you look."

"Whatever, Dischord, Lay it on me."

"See that blue crystal there? That is a magic converter, Since magic is the main source of power here, I figured you'd appreciate the upgrade."

"Really?"

"Of course, Only the best for our unusual guests."

"Sweet. So Why am I here?"

"You sure you wanna know?"

"I'm already guessing that some godawful mess is getting ready to happen and they need me for training, equipment and awesomeness..."

Dischord nods. "Very astute... Be patient, take your time and enjoy it while you can."

"Ok. Thanks man, especially for the vehicular makeover, just one question... Why Borderlands."

"Are you kidding? Nothing else you play has as much character!"

"Ahh."

Dischord waves an arm and materializes a door, one of the ones that leads into Moxxi's bar, he steps in, "Let's get this party started!" A cheer from the crowd, and the door shuts and dedigistructs.

It's Dischord, He can do what he wants.

Author's Note:

A two-fer this time!

Enjoy!

Comments

[Amethyst Blade]

Discord*

Also...This is MADNESS!
And I like it.

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[DrZed]

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