Rough Landing: A Desert Geek's Experience of Equestria

by DrZed

Suits, Trains, Planes and An Epic Pony Party Prank

To be honest with you, I was really worried for my man card.

Being dragged along behind a gaggle of excited mares, I was sure I was facing my own personal frilly testosterone-crushing apocalypse.

It turns out I wasn't giving Rares enough credit. For expedience, She led the crew to a Minotaur clothier, Seeing as I fit the body type pretty well.

By the Thimble of Gucci, fashionable Minotaur bulls wore 3 piece suits!

The man card is safe.

Actually, It just got a Legen... Wait for it.... dary upgrade.

---

Thirty minutes, One sizable pile of Bits, and one Magical Musical Number later...

I have suited up for great justice, and was looking damn fine in Canterlot Square.

I gotta admit, the girls don't look that bad either.

Rainbow blinks over her newly acquired shades, "How did that just happen?" She glances around at the nobles and common alike going back to their daily routine, some now sporting equally awesome examples of suits themselves, now that the song was done.

"Elementary, my chromatic friend," I tipped my matching dark grey with lavender pinstripe fedora at her, "Magic."

Twilight tilts her head, "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

"Hush, Purple Stuff." I said with a grin. "Now ladies, Is there anything else you need before we depart this fine city?"

----

From a balcony high atop Canterlot Castle overlooking the city, Celestia giggles, putting down the Royal Binoculars. "I like him. He's silly."

Luna, looking somewhat groggy next to her, stifles a giggle, setting down the Royal Spyglass, "Indeed, But he still could be a troublemaker."

Celestia smirks to Luna, "So far, his kind of trouble I find myself looking forward to. Now back to bed, you need your beauty sleep!"

Luna looks shocked, "Are you insinuating that- " *BAMF* She disappears in a cloud of golden magic.

----

Canterlot Station:

"Now tell me again why you needed thirty feet of silk rope?" I ask RD as we arrive, several large packages in magical tow.

She blushes, eyes looking around guiltily, "It's for a new stunt... yeah..." Ponies can't lie for shit.

"So are you going to show this one to the Wonderbolts?." RD blushes harder, just as the train whistle blows.

"All Aboard!!!"

AJ trots forward, "Ya'll heard the pony, Let's go!"

I step up into the cabin, having to duck to keep from whacking my head on the upper sill, I find a bench and settle down on it, stretching out so I can look out the window.

The rest of the girls file in, taking seats around me.

"Hmm first time I've actually ridden on a train, been in a passenger jet a few times, but never traveled by rail." I cross my legs and get comfortable.

Pinkie hops up into my lap, "What's a jet, Ced?"

Rarity frowns, "Jet Set is one of those boorish Nuveau-riche Canterlot ponies, His wife had the audacity to insult my hat!"

"The nerve!" I frown appropriately to Rarity, then turn back to Pinkie, "well Pinks a jet is like a fan, it moves air, but like a thousand times more powerful, it's so powerful it can actually lift... something the size of this train car off the ground and move it at a very high speed. Back home we used them to travel all over the world. It made trips that would take weeks or months by foot only take hours."

Dash is suddenly at my side, as is Twilight, Interestingly, both are wearing the same look on their face.

I sigh, "I'll tell you what I know about them, if you'd like"

*simultaneous nods*

I scratch Pinkie's back as I begin to expound.

-----

The train reaches the station, and I have reached the limits of my knowledge about manned flight a while back, not just having covered jets and prop aircraft, but helicopters, V-tols, blimps, The Wright Brothers and as much as I can recall of other aircraft, including the space shuttle.

Dash actually took over Pinkie's spot when she got tired of hearing about it.

Twilight nearly set the train car on fire when I mentioned we had put men on the moon. She's currently chest deep in a pile of filled scrolls and worn out quills.

"Ok, girls we're here, I think I could use a rest after all this excitement." I set Dashie down and started to hunch my way to the exit.

I was followed shortly after by the Six, and the Package Pile o'Doom that was following us suspended in Rarity and Twilight's magics.

"What say we reconvene in a couple hours at Sweet Apple Acres?"

A chorus of agreement followed.

Twilight doled out the parts of the PPOD to the pony that it belonged to, then the group split up.

Rarity and I made our way to the Carousel Boutique. I stepped forward and held the door for her.

"Thank you kind sir." She gave me a bright smile as I ducked down and followed her in.

Fortunately for me, her crafting and showroom floor had seven foot ceilings so I could stand fully. I hung up my hat and coat on the rack on the wall.

I glanced around for a moment, looking for a chair, then decided to test a theory, I put the back of my hand to my forehead and staggered back a step, bumping into the infamous red chaise lounge which had appeared right behind me.

Fricking magic, huh?

Grinning, I took a careful seat on it. Nice and comfy, just like I was expecting.

Rarity came back out of the kitchen area and smirked, "I see you found yourself a seat."

"Only the best." I smiled back at her, leaning back and crossing my arms behind my head.

In floated a tray with a tea set and a pile of cookies.

Rarity sits down at the table near me, setting down the tray, then I feel the lounge scooting closer, till I was more or less lounging right next to her at the table

"Darling, You must tell me all about the fashions from your world." Rarity cooed, fluttering her big blue eyes at me.

I nod, I knew it would come to this. "Where do you want to start? What part of the world and what time period? Do you want to hear about traditional outfits, High fashion, Or do you want to start with body structure, social taboos, and the basics?"

Rarity bit her lower lip, "Taboos?"

Smirking, I continue, reaching over to gently stroke her neck, "I figured that would catch your attention. You already know that due to a lack of fur, and the fact that our 'equipment' is exposed, shall we say that human men generally wear some form of leg covering to include the lower torso. For our females, you could say the problem has been doubled, because, if you'll excuse me for being blunt, their teats, or breasts as we call them are right here" I gesture to my upper chest. "I suspect we evolved that way after we started to carry our children in our arms, having them there made feeding them easier."

Rarity blinks, "Evolved?"

"There are many theories regarding evolution, most involve what's called natural selection, where apparently random changes or mutations to a creatures body shape, structure, color and so on that benefit the creature allow it to survive longer, or attract more mates, and thus reproduce more, will make that trait become dominant in the species, and changes that do not benefit the creature reduces their chances of mating and so on, but I think Twilight would want to hear more of that, so I will detail how humans have been for at least the last... couple thousand years or so."

Rarity nods, her cheeks a little pinkish, "For now that would be best."

I nod, "To simplify, human males, or men, tend to be angular, straight lines tend to be considered attractive, with females, called women, on the other hand, it's all about the curves. Generally an attractive woman has curves that appear soft and graceful. I like a little padding on my ladies myself."

Rarity, still blushing, nods as she floats over some scrolls and charcoal pencils.

I do my best and sketch out an approximation of the two forms, basing them off the vitruvian man and what i can remember of the Venus de Milo.

"For us clothing generally serves multiple purposes, to keep us warm, cover our erogenous zones, and protect our skin. Aside from that....." I discuss underwear, swimwear, basic dress and some high fashion that i can recall.

I discourse for about a half hour and Rarity has listened raptly, sketching out some ideas she has formed while I was talking. The tea is drank, the cookies eaten and several scrolls are filled.

"Goodness Darling, I can't get over how much you know about so many subjects! Were you a scholar on your world?"

"I would call myself a jack of all trades, as a child I spent most of my time reading like Twilight, but I did not go into great focus on any one subject to the exclusion of others. I learned a little bit of this and that over time, I tried to be observant of the details, and all of the little bits I learned add up to where I am now. I don't know if it would have worked for others, but it seems to suit me fine. I enjoy having what I consider a well rounded education. I can sew, cook, do carpentry, even make jewelry, and that's just a fraction of my skillset."

Rarity's eyes go wide, "You make jewelry?"

"Yes, if you like, I have some of my better pieces stored in the car. They were part of my outfit, before it got ruined." I glance around for a clock, "On that subject, Should we get started toward Sweet Apple Acres?"

Rarity nods, "Oh yes, we can talk more about this later. " She hops off her chair and I join her as we head out to the farm.

I notice I still draw looks from ponies, the few I see in the streets, but their body language is much less freaked out now, probably because I am dressed in a nice shirt and pants and walking calmly alongside Ponyville's resident fashionista, as opposed to looking like a homeless crazy person being dragged behind the Elements of Harmony at a swift run braced by Solar Guards.

Overall, I'd call it an improvement.

-----

The Apple Farm... is enormous. Apple trees going to the hills practically in every direction.

I follow Rarity, chatting with her, as we walk about a half mile from the entrance in, finally spotting the house and barns.

Oddly, the place appears deserted, and all but one of the barns has their doors secured...

My Genre Savvy sense is tingling.

I rest a hand on Rarity's neck, "Wait here a moment." She looks slightly confused but nods and stops

I quietly creep to a side window of the suspicious barn and cup my ear to the glass. Yep, I hear muted talking, rustling, and giggling.

Aha.

I smirk as I sneak back to Rares, "Wanna have a little fun with our friends?"

Rarity blinks in confusion, then realization crosses her face, "Oh....What's your plan darling?"

I kneel down and start whispering into her ear, pointing to a pile of deadwood branches I see nearby...

The most devious and wicked grin I have ever seen crosses her face, "Ohh... This is going to be... Fabulous."

-----

Pinkie bounces on her hooves, "This is going to be so great!!"

Twilight gives Pinkie a look, "Shhh!"

Rainbow Dash, listening at the door waves a hoof, "They're coming!" She flies back and joins the crowd, of about half of Ponyville, who all get quiet in anticipation....

Suddenly the barn doors swing wide open, in light blue magic, and a screaming Rarity runs in followed by what could only be described as a ten foot tall tree man, with long arms ending in branchy hands, roaring at the top of it's lungs.

"Supri- *Needle Rip* -AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

General bedlam follows as ponies panic and run around in circles, some dive for cover, some run into each other.

AJ and Dash shake out of their shock and move forward to defend as the treeman stops, looking around, then starts laughing uproariously, branches falling off of him as the magic holding them together releases. Soon enough I'm looking normal if a little dirty, still laughing my ass off.

After a few seconds the ponies realize what happened and calm down. Others come out of hiding.

Pinkie bounces over to me, hair flat, "Ceddy! That was mean!"

Rarity prances back around and comes up to my side, "Come now Pinkie, this was supposed to be a surprise party. Weren't you surprised?"

Pinkie pauses in mid air... literally.... her hair pops out into it's cotton candy configuration then she busts out in giggles and lands on her back laughing. Other ponies get the idea and join in the laughter.

I step over to Pinks and tickle her belly "Turnabout is fair play, my dear Pinkamina, Now don't you have a party to host?"

Pinkie bounces back up and claps her hooves together, "YES!"

Rainbow flits over and hoofpunches me in the shoulder, "That was SO AWESOME!!"

*cue pony party montage*

Comments

[Spc jacko]

Got'em good