Spike has been having headaches and nightmares for a week. This angers him. When he goes insane, he stops at nothing to kill the ponies unless he dies. Is there a safe place in the world?
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Guys, like I said, if you see some flaws, let me know. I already see some dislikes. If you disliked it because it was too short, I can fix that in my next one. If it's anything else, let me know.
It sucked. I'm not being a troll, but you have a lot of issues with this story. Please answer these in the story: Why is Spike getting headaches? Why does he want to kill the mane six so badly? Can't he deal with the headaches? How did the guards come so quickly?
Another point you need to address: Gore. It isn't worth it if you have a story with a gore tag, but there is barely any blood. Ya' have to lengthen up the descriptions, let us feel what is happening.
Why is Spike in an arena? Wouldn't there be a trial? How are the mane six's reactions to this terrible tragedy? Couldn't they stop Spike?
Describe the arena. What was it like? Who was there? How did he get ahold of a guard's spear so quickly? How did he fight his way out?
Other than that, you are off to a good start.
4098994 If you want, I can be an editor
It wasn't just short it was so poorly written, I mean I didn't fallow the story at all, he just try to kill, got caught, sent to an arena?, escape, kill all then just died, and most of all not enough detail...I don't mean to sound like a jerk but come on I was expecting more than just kill then die
4099027 he probably wanted to kill the six because he didn't feel like hearing a therapist running his mouth. The guards showed up fast because they saw it through a window. The arena is like a death row thing. He didn't have a trial because the guards have seen him do it.
The main six died. They couldn't have a reaction. About Spike getting arrested, they probably were relieved. They tried to stop him in the beginning by pulling him, and the end was too quick for you to think of something like that. You need to have time to think. They didn't.
He put the guard out, remember? He could just pick up the spear that the guard dropped. He fought out like.......uuuuuhhhhhhh....look, it's easy. Just get to a corner, deflect attacks, knock the weapons out of their hoofs, and move on.
I realize this isn't ALL of your questions, but it's five unanswered vs. seven answered.
Umm, oh my god this is a trainwreck. Now, since I read in the authors notes that you need some constructive criticism, I am going to give it. Please don't dismiss this as me being hateful, and please don't try to comment negatively about the quality of my stories while you are at it. I'm just trying to help, so that nothing like this ever gets written again.
First off, the length and detail. In summary of this point, the story is really short, and this is because it has no detail. You just tell the reader that something has happened without actually giving any time or detail for the reader to feel for, or even remotely care about, the events in your plot. It all seems so rushed and unbelievable because the reader has no information to go off of. Personally, I felt as if I had walked in the middle of the climax of a movie that I knew nothing about, because this story left me confused and wishing that I had more information. Instead of making your story say "Oh Spike is angry for some reason and then he chokes Flutters and then he kills everyone the end", flesh out your concept. A well-written story with this concept would probably take at least 20,000 words to properly work up to, explain, describe, and finish. The fact that you tried to tell this tale in 1,000 words is worrying.
Secondly, your story. You have plot holes out your... well, plot. Why is Spike having headaches? Why does he have weird dreams? Are these connected? Why does Spike act so OOC so randomly? Why does Spike decide to kill his best friends? What the heck is the arena and why does it not get a proper explanation? How do the guards get everywhere so fast? Why do shorts cost the same price as pants?
So, that last one is kinda off topic, but your story has more plot holes than Swiss cheese and the movie Prometheus combined. Please fix that. It would be nice for you to explain these questions in a comment, but that won't solve the problem. The problem with the story is that I as a reader had questions like that at all even after finishing the story, and shows that this story needs a lot of work in this area.
Thirdly, you switch tense a lot. Chose what tense you want to be in, and stick with it. If the story is in a past perspective, don't jump to a future perspective or a present perspective. Respect your own narrative.
This story was bad because it was filled with basic errors that could be fixed by getting an editor or even by spending more than an hour on your story. Please, if you are going to submit a story, make sure that it is the highest quality that you can produce before posting. It will make everyone happier.
Cheers.
4100245 Ideally, you should write in a way that questions like that don't even get asked in the first place, hence why he said to answer those in the story. Good writing's about explaining yourself in the work so it can stand on its own and make sense, and so it doesn't need to you to explain it in comments.
When you go back and edit this (and when you write more in the future), make sure the story itself answers all those questions as the events unfold.
4100245 Then add that in the story
Fill in the plot holes
edgy m8
Not the best but not the worst and try to expand on stuff.
4102053 I know. I think i'll make a war story to replace this one because this had a bunch of detail missing.
4104474 simalar plot?
4105249 It'll be longer, Spike will be drafted, and it's another kingdom out somewhere in Equestria in war with Canterlot. It's called "Equestrian Empires." I'm working on it now. It's like "Call of Duty." It's a pretty long story, and one by one, people or ponies will die. One quick spoiler, the main six don't fight. They just live in an estate. That means they could be killed because they're involved.
What the hell?
4109260 what?
4109260
A.... Cake knife?
data.uncommongoods.com.edgesuite.net/images/newweb/product/20106_zoom1.jpg
oh noes!