For want of a filly
“Where are we going, Fluttershy?”
She didn’t reply. Whatever Fluttershy had seen this morning, it must have broken her. Her pace was slow and shaky. Her expression was empty. She had never been like this before. The closest I remember ever seeing her like this was when she was scared. But she wasn’t scared. She just seemed so… sad.
I didn’t try to ask her anything anymore. She had been like this since she came into the library this morning. The only thing she had managed to say was that she had to show me something. I wanted to get one of our friends, but she just walked away. I told Spike to stay in the library.
We walked into Everfree Forest, and I was starting to get nervous. Fluttershy stopped.
“Fluttershy?”
I looked around, but I didn’t see anything of interest. She took a deep breath and continued walking. We walked past some bushes at the side of the path and into a small clearing.
“W-W-Why would anypony …?”
My mouth moved, but the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t understand what I saw.
Fluttershy laid herself on the ground and sobbed into her hooves. I looked at the stallion in the clearing. I looked into his lifeless light green eyes under his well dressed dark brown mane. His beige legs dangled slightly in the breeze.
Only a few days ago I had talked to him. He had always been such a friendly pony. He had been my friend.
Davenport, the owner of Quills and Sofas, had hung himself on a tree.
The doorbell rang as somepony entered the store. I walked forwards out of the back of the shop.
“Hello?” My voice inquired the seemingly empty room.
“Hello Mister!” replies a fillies voice. After leaning over the counter I saw a filly standing on the other side. I remember this one; alabaster coat, green eyes, and a curled pink-purple mane. Her name was Sweetie Belle if I recall correctly. She smiled. Sweat started to form on my forehead.
“Which sofa will it be?” I gestured towards the furniture.
Despite the name of my store, my merchandise had much more variety. Ponyville was only a small town, when I came here as a colt. I would have never been able to endure with the small income of a furniture store. They say necessity is the mother of invention. Ponyville had neither a stationary store, nor a furniture store. Hence, Quills and Sofas was born. The same symbol that hangs outside of my store now adorns my flank. The odd combination quickly spread word, much to my advantage. Today I am the proud, and relatively wealthy, owner of one of Ponyville’s most successful tourist attractions.
Sweetie Belle giggled. “I just need some quills and paper.”
I directed her to a lower part of the counter which I had reserved for the most requested goods. She quickly picked up what she needed and awkwardly clutched the articles to her chest. After some quick Ponyville-typical negotiations we agreed on four bits. It hadn’t been a very good trade, but it was standard procedure for me to take it easy on the younger customers. She quickly handed over the bits, and stored her goods into her saddlebag.
The doorbell rang again, and I was once again alone. A sigh of relief escaped my lips.
I am no evil pony, but sometimes I have these urges. I wish I didn’t, but what can I do?
No pony can control his or her desires. Can you force a stallion to love a mare if he only yearns to love other stallions? If a mare can only feel lust if she is laid in chains, who can claim she is being unethical by giving in to her inclination? When I say that I like the taste of strawberries, I am unable to explain why I like them. Just as little as I can change my preference for them.
But all that doesn't seem to matter. I am just a freak either way.
A few weeks ago my neighbor asked me if I could take care of her children. I couldn’t find an excuse not to. Or to be more precise, I couldn’t think of an excuse that wouldn’t ruin my life and my business. She didn’t talk to me for weeks after I told her I simply couldn’t. Why is it that one can refuse a glass of wine, by openly stating: “I can’t, I’m an alcoholic,” but if I were to honestly state my situation, I would instantly lose my place in society? Love and tolerance seems to be reserved only for those with the less grotesque afflictions.
Cheerilee asked my why I have no special somepony a few days ago. I told her the same story that I told all the other residents. “I just haven’t found the right one yet.” They all insisted such a good looking and wealthy stallion such as myself would need to fend of the waves of mares with a stick. The real reason was because I was scared. Scared that they might find out the truth. Scared that I might not be able to give them what they need. Scared that it might make my desires more intense.
How many nights have I spent hating myself. Alone in my dark bedroom, after clopping to these phantasies. When these young fillies come into my store, when they smile at me like they always do, I sometimes think they are attracted to me. There is no way to describe how much I hate myself when I have those thoughts. Pure hatred eventually leads to a feeling of helplessness and self pity. Why do I have to carry this burden with me?
Despite the never-ending craving, I have been able to hold strong. I can claim to have never harmed a filly. Even though I sometimes think I might not be able to control my lust. I must always remain cautious.
I have decided to end my life. I am not depressive. Not even sad. I am simply a misfit of Harmony. Society has failed me, despite my best wishes. A life like the likes of mine is no life worth living. No other solution to my dilemma presents itself.
I leave my store early because I need to buy something. The lock on the door remains open. Do I have everything? I check my saddlebag. A few bits will be enough for a rope. A rope should get the job done.
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This sounds like a job for a reforming spell. If only they hadn't been eaten. Discoooooord!
The character tags were a bit deceptive. Heck, posting this on a fan fiction site was deceptive. This isn't fiction. It's well-written prose about a fictional subject, but it's more of a social commentary about the inner thoughts of what I am guessing is a pedophile. (What would a euphebophile be in Equestria? Have we even seen a teenage pony?) I would say to be great you should write several more chapters focusing not on the musings of Davenport, but on his reactions to several encounters. Don't just keep it at "It's hard being me, on to suicide;" actually show his decent into guilt-driven madness.
That or make it a comedy in which he keeps stumbling into situations that he can't seem to get out of. There's so much potential in a guilty stallion resisting awkward situations involving fillies when his cutie mark and trade is sofas and feather products.
I think I'd have liked it better if he'd told his secret to his friends and found that they still accepted him, and could draw strength from their acceptance, instead of ending things the way he did. In my opinion, bleakness in storytelling should serve the purpose of emphasizing some hopeful, uplifting message. But this was a heartfelt and poignant exploration of a serious real-world problem, and I'm glad someone has the courage to start a discussion about it. Good work, well written. I definitely want to see what you write next.
Not what I expected. Have a like.
I still think this:
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/314/b/b/bad_dream_by_vulpessentia-d6tsvnj.png
should have been the cover art.
So, I read the story. Here's my mini-review. Please don't get intimidated. When I review something, I tend to go all out and put effort into it. This is not a bashing or a heavy criticism. it is just my thoughts and my suggestions because I found something worth supporting.
Hey there! First, let's get housekeeping out of the way. Couple of things I spotted:
Usually when I comment on a story I not only point out the obvious mistakes, but other things which I feel could make the reading stronger. I hope you don't mind!
It's a bit clunky. Perhaps I would recommend "The closest I remember ever seeing her like this was when she was scared." (The comma is unnecessary as well).
Nothing wrong here, but I feel it would have a lot more emotional impact if it were reversed. "I had last talked to him only a few days ago."
-> filly's voice
I'd cut the 'to'. You don't ask to anything, so you shouldn't inquire to anything either. It's not a verb that requires a preposition.
lower-case A
When? If you are going to introduce a comparative with a past event, you need to write your time markers. It was only a small town... when I was a child? It was only a small town... last Thursday? It was only a small town... when I was eating a sandwich? Time markers help us set the scene without needing to guess, which sometimes can distract from the immersion. You state 'when I came here as a colt' later on half-way through the paragraph, but that clause ought to be up here with the introductory statement.
Firstly, uppercase P. Secondly, I feel that 'Ponyville-typical' is a compound adjectival phrase and should be hyphenated as such.
It is a matter of style and preference, but numbers should be spelled out when possible.
No comma. 'If' is a subordinating conjunction, not a coordinating one. You do not use a comma to connect a subordinated clause to a main clause unless the subordinating clause comes FIRST.
-> "If he only yearns to love other stallions, can you force a stallion to love a mare?"
-> "Can you force a stallion to love a mare if he only yearns to love other stallions?"
say claim?
This is actually one single sentence, because of the comparative. The period after 'alcoholic' should be a comma; the 'but' should be lowercase; and go ahead and plonk a question mark at the end of the whole thing. That makes it read a lot smoother.
This should be hyphenated.
Alright, still with me? Cool =D
Despite all this slew of things up here, I actually really did like it quite much. Your writing is good, it's very solidly done, pacing for this length is actually impressive. This might be your first fimfic story, but if this was your first ever piece of fiction, I'd be thoroughly impressed. But as far as a first story went, you sure picked a heavy topic! But I agree with Phil up there; it's more of an interesting social commentary and a glimpse into the dark side of social stuff overlaid on ponies. Which isn't wrong, mind you; it's just less about ponies and more about the subject.
Given this direction, what I would definitely have liked to see more of was the actual character behind it. One of the issues that I had with the story is that I probably wanted to have seen a lot more of it. It came rather fast, and since we already know the 'twist' so to speak (you opened with it, and the framing is very important) we can therefore skip a lot of the 'descent' and focus merely on the ideas of ethics and viewpoints of Mr. Quills there. Seeing how you decided to use him, injecting a bit of his personal character and showing his daily struggle can also be a good way of balancing out the idea of this being a story rather than just having ponies as stand-ins to make the point you want to make. There is ample opportunity to drag the narrative out with more examples, LONGER examples, and to actually show the 'voice of struggle' in his narration (since it's coming from his POV, it's the perfect chance!)
Other things I felt was that some of it was a bit too overstated. It's quite clear through his actions and thoughts what the topic was about. There shouldn't have been any need to state things outright like 'clopping in a dark room'. Yes, it's something he does, and you can include it. What I'm saying is that he might state it in a bit of a roundabout way, with hesitance, with a bit of fear. This is something he's ashamed of. It doesn't reflect in the way he delivers it.
Speaking of delivery, first person narratives are pretty difficult, and I will admit that, especially when it comes to choosing what tense you want to use. You have a really glaring tense change mid-way through his part from past to present perfect, and for someone who notices these things, it broke immersion for me slightly. Within a scene, you have to keep the tenses regular.
So, overall, good job. This is a lot better than most of the stuff that FimFic churns out daily, that's for sure, and you get a solid and genuine thumbs up from me. I would have definitely liked this to have been longer, with more thoughts and more of his personal arguments, because there wasn't enough space to really get into his head and 'feel' along with him about why he hates himself so much (even though it's obvious, reading is a journey). That needs to be heaped up on the already-solid ethical presentation of the rest of it. I really, really like the framing, too! Where it opened and ended was really perfect for this kind of thing, and order and construction - I can't complain either.
Thanks for the interesting read, and good luck with your future endeavors.
EDIT:
Jeez, those genre and character tags!
Alright, sorry, gotta say. Get rid of everything else but the dark genre tag. I know FimFic doesn't really have a good system for categorizing stories (trust me. I can NEVER categorize my own well), but you're sending a very confusing message with all of those 4 up there. This is not a tragedy or a sad story. It's not about that. It's a thought-provoking social commentary about dark things, and it isn't a story about -regular daily life- in that way either. 'Dark' would be the best for you. Also, the story really... really isn't about Twilight or Fluttershy or Sweetie Belle. They do not qualify as main characters just because they show up. Your narrative is about Mr. Sofa. That's all. Don't sacrifice your story's integrity just to put labels on it.
4043704
You are a real angel. Do you know that?
I somehow feel like I owe you something. I will return the favor by helping others when I have become more proficient. Deal?
First of all, thanks for spotting the errors. My native language is German, so I do tend to oversee capitalization problems, punctuation problems, etc. With some practice I should get better.
This wasn't my first piece of fiction. But it was my first shot at writing a short story. I have been writing for few weeks, but mostly I have been just reflecting about writing. My total output including rewrites is less than ten thousand words.
Yes, the intention of the story is partially social commentary. But it isn't really fiction in disguise, it was more like a piece of head canon that I wanted to vent. I just woke up this morning and decided to write it. And yes, this is what Mr. Quills is like in my head.
I didn't even realize anything about the change in tense, I wrote a note on the back of my ear to pay more attention to that in the future.
The other points I don't really know how to address right now. For now I will just say that they have been acknowledged and I will think about them.
To the thing about the tags: Will be changed right away. I never paid much attention to the labels before. I will in the future.
I can be rather happy with the result. I know I shouldn't just accept things as they are, but rather strive to improve. But I won't be doing any larger changes to this story. I might make a private rewrite for myself though.
Thanks again for the comment.
4043265
I can understand where you are getting at. I wasn't sure if I should post the story at all, but another fiction writer just told me I should publish it, so I did. But in the end, I did entertain with a rather strange piece of my head canon.
The tags have been changed.
Thanks for your criticism.
4043377
Lawl
4043946
Yes. Pay it forward. This is always the best.
Trust me, you're already at the top 5% of writers here when it comes to grammar and punctuation.
I find it's a lot easier to keep track of tenses when you write in 3rd person. In 1st person, you involve yourself in the moment, so the habit is to write things how we experience them in real life, which is very variable. So no harm in this! As you said, just pay attention and it develops into a good habit. =)
Actually, I personally never push people to 'change things to make them perfect'. After all, mistakes come naturally, and discovering your voice and your style is a big part of writing and what makes writing fun. There will never be such a thing as a perfect piece, and besides fixing minor errors like in spelling or punctuation, there is never any real need to go back and change anything unless you feel it's absolutely necessary. Too many changes to the original, and, well, you end up with what George Lucas does, really.
All it is about is seeing where you can do things better in retrospect, discover new things, get feedback, and apply things to your next piece to make things better and better. So no, you don't have to change anything in this if you don't want to. 'Striving to improve' also means giving all you have for the future as well, very much how it is in life, so you don't need to excuse yourself. =)
Happy writing, and good job!
This was pretty great.