A soldier of the Equestrian forces witnesses one of the most tragic losses to take place in Pony history. The loss that will only be overshadowed by the downfall of his kind.
This story is a short that I wrote while thinking about about what a dark wartime version of Equestria would be like.
This story doesn't include any humans, the story picture is just the most fitting self made piece of work I had laying around. If you have a better picture then pm me.
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Some context might help. Who are the sides. If it's pony versus pony some explanation of the sides is necessary. How long has it been going on? If the Elements are alive then it can't be long. And how could it have happened. I understand you want artistic ambiguity. That works well for one in a thousand writers. One in a million. And then not all the time for them. It mostly ends up as a confused mish-mash that leaves the reader grasping for an ending that never comes because the footing they needed wasn't there. The end feels like they were simply abandoned by the author. So you may want to consider all that.
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First of all thanks for commenting.
I took a few minutes to think about your response, and compared it to what I wanted to create.
It seems I have failed to portrait what I wanted to, and I take full responsibility for that.
Artistic ambuigy was certainly not what I had been aiming for. This may sound strange, but I simply don't think anything outside of what I mentioned is important for this story. The perspective is a first person shot from the view of the soldier. For him the details of the war don't matter. I actually have written over 100k of words about the war and everything around it. The soldier doesn't care about any of it. He cares about the cold, his fellow servicemen, and few other things. What he has seen has desensiblized him so far, that the death of the element of kindness makes him laugh because he doesn't know how else he should react. Even which side wins the war doesn't bother him, since he clearly believes that everybody is loosing in the end. It once did interest him, but he has given up and only returns back to the thoughts mostly out of habit. He already lost all hope.
That is exactly what I wanted to capture. A snapshot of the guard that silently lives in a small part of my mind.
In hindsight the snyopsis in the description is wrong. It invoked false expectations. I should have given that more thought. I will probably change that.
I willl leave this story as it is, and release a series of stories interconnected with this one. I actually have short story that is connected with this one already published, but the connection hasn't been published yet.
All in all for a German writing noob without an editor I am actually pretty happy with the result. As long as I get better everything is okay.
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Now, your use of language was quite effective. And you did capture the sense of futility, and the inevitability of death and loss. It's especially impressive for a non-native speaker.
I just figured that you would drip in some details to give your readers a fingerhold, lest they get lost or simply drift away, not feeling connected because they are being asked to stare at the equivalent of a white wall. I also had a brief stab of fear. A female, in a collar, her identity erased, treated like meat, and burned. I thought this was more tiny-penised "I think women are weird and confusing and too powerful for my feeble ego" misogynist Fall of Equestria stuff. It's odd to say but it was a relief to see it was a random genocidal war.