Soulless

After awaking from nightmares about failing their biggest aspirations, the mane six find a horrible reality waiting for them. Trapped in eternal darkness, they find themselves, well, soulless.

Chapters (6)

Rainbow Dash · 19th Feb 2014 · 201 words
201
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Twilight Sparkle · 19th Feb 2014 · 253 words
253
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Fluttershy · 19th Feb 2014 · 220 words
220
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Applejack · 19th Feb 2014 · 496 words
496
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Pinkie Pie · 19th Feb 2014 · 444 words
444
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Rarity · 19th Feb 2014 · 477 words
477
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Comments ( 13 )

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defunct321

defunct321 #1 · Feb 22nd, 2014 · · · Fluttershy ·

when she got downstairs, she looked around in the living room.

When she got downstairs, she looked around in the living room.

defunct321

defunct321 #2 · Feb 22nd, 2014 · · · Pinkie Pie ·

The pony repllied, as politely as she could manage.

The pony replied, as politely as she could manage.

defunct321

defunct321 #3 · Feb 22nd, 2014 · · · Rarity ·

"Ok!" Rarity called back.

Either Okay or OK

All these chapters should be one chapter with a line, asterisks, or something else separating them.

Rinnaul

Rinnaul #4 · Feb 22nd, 2014 · · · Rarity ·

Your spelling and grammar were fine 99% of the time, though I did notice a misused word or two. However, the real problems lay elsewhere. Simply put, it wasn't creepy, but confusing. Apparently they all die during the "dreams", but only Fluttershy and Applejack show any reason for that to happen. There's no real buildup to any of them, just a few vague bad things happening to them, and suddenly they're... fading away? Or something? I don't know what happened, or why.

Spend a bit of time building up the suspense. Be clearer in what becomes of your characters, though you don't have to be explicit - the unknown is a major source of fear. Just make sure the reader can follow the progression from Point A to Point B. And if you're going for repetition to emphasize the creepy, make absolutely certain that what you're building it on is creepy to begin with.

TheRavenOfAzarath

TheRavenOfAzarath #5 · Feb 22nd, 2014 · · · Rarity ·

3984404 Thanks for the constructive criticism. I see what you mean. I'll fix this when I get around to it. But the last chapter(which hasn't been uploaded yet) kind of explains this. I will change it a little bit, but not completely. Thanks again.