Soulless

by TheRavenOfAzarath

Rarity

This was it. Rarity's debut solo fashion show in Washinghoof. She was nervous, but also excited. She would be showing her newest and most gorgeous line ever: Sunset Blush. She was also going to be walking the catwalk with the first outfit, only increasing her anxiety.

"Rarity! It's time to begin!" Her new assistant, Coco Pommel called from the other side of the room.

"Ok!" Rarity called back.

She gulped, then slowly waited for the royal purple curtains to be pulled open. She took one deep breath before the curtains opened for the whole of Washinghoof and more to see. She began to walk down the lighted aisle, preparing for when she got to the end. Everything was going just fine until suddenly, she tripped. Everypony began laughing and saying mean things.

"What an oaf!" Called one blue pony, giggling.

"How disgraceful!" Scoffed another, turning his head as not to look in Rarity's direction.

Rarity couldn't say anything. She just ran off stage to cry. She hid in her dressing room and cried. She couldn't do anything to fully build back her reputation; nearly three cities had come to watch that show.

She gasped, waking up. It was a nightmare. Probably just jitters for the show. She got out of bed and went to look at her designs. When she got to her design room, she found that the dresses were gone. Just the plain white manikins that they rested on just hours before. Rarity touched one of the manikins to see if her eyes were just playing tricks. When her hoof touched it, she stared in shock. Her hoof was black, with a white outline.

She looked in a nearby mirror and stood, slack-jawed. Her whole body, from her horn to her hooves, was just outlines of the colors that it should be. Fog came from her eyes. Normally, the overly-dramatic unicorn would've fainted at such a sight, but found herself unable to do so. She turned away from the mirror and looked around the room once more before everything turned as black as herself. For a split second, she thought she saw a face on one of the manikins. The face had no eyes, just empty, bleeding sockets. It also had stitches from where it's mouth should be to the highest point on it's cheek bones, forming a disturbing chelsea grin.

Rarity searched the black emptiness before her with her eyes. The only thing there besides her was an eerie fog rising up to her knees. She was frightened, but remained a calm composure-until she heard the word "generosity" echo around her from an unseen force. She began to sob, realizing that there was no way out.

She was a disgrace. She was dishonorable. She was soulless.

Comments

[defunct321]

"Ok!" Rarity called back.

Either Okay or OK

All these chapters should be one chapter with a line, asterisks, or something else separating them.

[Rinnaul]

Your spelling and grammar were fine 99% of the time, though I did notice a misused word or two. However, the real problems lay elsewhere. Simply put, it wasn't creepy, but confusing. Apparently they all die during the "dreams", but only Fluttershy and Applejack show any reason for that to happen. There's no real buildup to any of them, just a few vague bad things happening to them, and suddenly they're... fading away? Or something? I don't know what happened, or why.

Spend a bit of time building up the suspense. Be clearer in what becomes of your characters, though you don't have to be explicit - the unknown is a major source of fear. Just make sure the reader can follow the progression from Point A to Point B. And if you're going for repetition to emphasize the creepy, make absolutely certain that what you're building it on is creepy to begin with.

[TheRavenOfAzarath]

3984404 Thanks for the constructive criticism. I see what you mean. I'll fix this when I get around to it. But the last chapter(which hasn't been uploaded yet) kind of explains this. I will change it a little bit, but not completely. Thanks again.

[TheRavenOfAzarath]

3983238 I'll be sure to go back and fix the mistakes you've listed. Thank you!

[Ahrazell]

i again find it a bit to short sorry but all and all it is good so far

[TheRavenOfAzarath]

3988789 It's purposefully short. I did not mean to upset you with this, but it was within reason. I'm sorry.