BronyEsquire
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You know, I have something to say that I haven't been able to bring up: People always say that this concept is being used for fics ALL THE TIME. However, this is the first one I've found. I can understand where people come from when they say that the idea is unoriginal, but fuck it. *clicks like* I wanna see this through to the end.
Look, I'm going to be blunt. It's better to have no cover art than to use pony creator for cover art. Using it the same picture your avatar only makes this cover art worse. Just a tip.
I think you should use a more refined paragraph structure but otherwise I like it.
I'm gonna give you a good bit of advice from an old fart who's been around and read enough stories in this fandom to give you some advice and not sound mean. I promise.
Don't do this story. But let me explain.
I understand this is heavily wish fulfillment, and as an author we do like to do that, but do it in a way that isn't such a projection of yourself that people have seen a thousand times before. It is true, but it also shows an author who needs to dig deeper about how to make a good and different story. Here's some tips.
If you are doing an OC story, don't make it your OC. Ever. It's pretty much fantasy projection and nearly no one wants to read that. I don't want to be a pouty face but people don't. They want to read cute, funny, action filled, or different things. If you are doing a story that headlines an OC usually you want to surround them by an extended cast of OC's and a background pony or three. Injecting an OC with the main cast is hard unless well done. They have to be a bringer of something epic or just someone that doesn't dominate the spotlight. Like maybe a new town barber and the gossip he hears. That could be an interesting story with all of the canon cast and how he has all of these secrets.
I understand you want to do this, but the fact of the matter is is that it is laughed at for a reason. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having an oc. Or even roleplaying it. It's just ninety nine percent of people don't want to read it unless he's stupidly interesting. No human to pony, just a pony with a very, very interesting spin.
My good deed for the day!
I've read the comments, and while they do bring up some valid points, I rather like the beginning. It has potential. My advice: get a good pre-reader or editor (possibly both), make sure they know what they're doing (and lets face it, in this fandom, experienced people aren't hard to find) and write.
Though perhaps you should tone down the swearing a little. Not for me, my family... Nevermind. But some people might turn away just because of it.
All in all, a good start. I do hope to see more.
3952171
The most reasonable man here.
3952185
I wrote a story that used an OC created with Pony Creator. It's not my OC, but it's a direct projection of who I am as a person. Have a link. (Please notice me Flint Sparks-san.)
3952312
In fact, I think he should slap a horn on that OC just to spite you. 
That'll teach you to insult someone's OC. 
How dare you insult this man for putting his heart and soul into this fic!
3952408
If he doesn't meet a specific high quota of swearing, his fic won't be considered edgy enough. It's imperative that he do so, sadly.
3952431
Yours is acceptable, just saw it (and I always notice you). I just want to help this guy out by letting him be aware of one of the (admittedly) numerous faux pas on this site.
3952431 Perhaps it's just me then, but I don't see this as edgy. Yes, you have a human inside an foal, can't speak, but is it going to take a darker direction? I don't see it as such. I see it going the comedy route:
"Who's a good baby? You are! Yes, you are!"
"Please, for my sanity, put. Me. Down."
"Would Page Turner like some mush? I bet he would!"
"No, please! It's disgusting!"
Ect. ect.
I don't see the swearing fitting in in the amounts there currently are. Again, I could be seeing this completely wrong, so feel free to correct me.
3952439
Admittedly, his OC is pretty poorly done. It's only got the red part down, it's missing the black part. The expression on the face is perfect, but is decidedly lacking of a horn on the forehead.
There are little enough of these fics in the wild. We don't want to scare this one away, silly.
3952471
He understands the value of excessive swearing from a teenage human in the body of a foal. I mean, look at the OC's face; does that look like the expression of a pony who's going to be polite and not swear? It's part of his personality, and a good portion of why this fic is so well-written up to this point.
I'm not meaning to offend here or anything, but he is the author of the story for a reason; just leave it up to him to show us where things will progress. Swearing is a big part of this, I just know it.
>inb4 trainwreck
3952506 No offense taken. Again, I don't mind the swearing. Heaven knows I'm around it enough. And you're right, that does not look like someone who's going to be polite is such a situation. I just didn't see the value of the excess. But if he makes a good story out of it, more power to him.
3952539
I have faith in him as the writer of the story to know who he's trying to write.
3952185
Thanks for the tip, I don't have anything else, I might just take that down, until I can find something better.
Also I'd like to thank all of you. I didn't expect to get so much attention so quickly, I really aprreciate the positive criticism. Still a bit nervous about posting.
But you're all helping to relieve a bit of the tension, I'll continue writing, next chapter probably won't be up for at least a few days.
3952603
Oh, are you actually taking writing tips? I've got loads.
Private message me and I'll send you some of my ideas when I've got time (probably tomorrow).
3952171
How can you say it's the first one you've found, yet still know what people mean when they say it's unoriginal? You're blowing my mind, man.
3952431 Why thank you. *bows*
3952746 It is the first fic I've found with this concept. I can relate to people when they say it's unoriginal, because I can see how lots of people can have such a basic idea. (No offense, author.)
Another "human turned into foal" story? Count me in!
*reads*
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/i/2012/264/e/b/pootis_by_sparky_the_pony-d5fgyk7.jpg
What is this? The paragraphs are an unicuum, and... aehm.... like the others said, it wasn't a very smart idea use your Ponysona/OC for your story.
Too many dawws in this! Look out! The world's gonna!...
Bland.
The MC don't feel alive at all, he don't react like he should. I'm sure as hell going to freak out if I woke up in the body of a FICTIONNAL baby from a SHOW.
3952312 Is right, the amount of wish-fulfillment ( come on, you wake up as your own OC and your mother is Twilight >_> ) is detrimental to the story, and the MC being a Brony destroy any world building/character interraction you could have, because you " know ".
Your story was getting good such a shame for deleting it
4323705 it's not deleted. It on hiatus. Big difference. Though I would like to see it move forward. I'm curious what will happen to page.
If you'd like a cowriter to help out I'd be willing to help. I already cowrite with Daxn so his Fic goes on and I'd be willing to help you with this one. Also can I ad another foal to the mix?
Actually pretty good for how much is written.
LOLzers.
Care to explain how Ponyland is better than Earth?