• Member Since 20th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 25th, 2017

Vigilance


Comments ( 182 )

Please let there be a sex-drive personality.
Please let there be a sex-drive personality.
Please let there be a sex-drive personality.
JK:pinkiehappy:
I'll read this sometime:rainbowdetermined2:

Enjoying it so far! Keep up the good work!:pinkiehappy:
One question, though - Logic = Delta?

Interesting idea with a lot of potential for story, I'll be keeping my eye on this one. The writing style started out a little wobbly but got better towards the end. Thumbs up and a track from me

1003913 why did this not occur to me

1003913 what she gonna do? screw them to death?

hmm.

I really, really like the premise behind this. You also have some good storytelling.

However, there are a LOT of mistakes in terms of grammar in there, as well as mismatched adjectives and adverbs. I think you need a pre-reader to fix these problems; the story could be much better.

If you want, I could serve that purpose. I've been a proofreader in the past and have A level GCSEs in English Language and Literature. Just an offer. :twilightsmile:

Reminds me of the episode of Teen Titains where Beast Boy and Cyborg go into Ravens mind and meet her personalities.
Tracked!

1003913 I'm not going to spoil anything, but you never know what'll pop out of Twilight's mind. :raritywink:

1004144 hehe yeah I guessed that would happen. This is the first fanfic I've ever written so perfection is way out of the question. :twilightblush:

1013875

:twilightsmile:

I think the only problem I had with the story itself was that "Anger" didn't act at all angry. She was sadistic, and violent, but not angry. Maybe you should revise that part; call that fragment Violence instead?

Anger wouldn't be smiling or thinking strategically, which is what that fragment was doing. She would just shout a lot and have a tantrum in which she MAYBE tried to hurt the others.

1013990 You are, of course, correct. The only reason she didn't seem angry is because she hasn't spoken yet, you should've heard the angry smack talk she was giving Logic before the others arrived but I'll leave that blank up to the reader :raritywink:. As for being violent: you'll see that fragments will retain more than just their specific emotion. Usually they'll have feelings that correlate to theirs, Anger's a good example: violence is often tied with anger. As for her strategic thinking? It is Twilight's anger so it, like her, would be at least try a bit of strategy and thinking, which even then was limited. She didn't use advanced spells, just simple blasts of energy that most unicorns can do. Hope that clears up your questions.

“Oh come on! How was I supposed to know that those Wonderbolt tickets Deceit bribed me with were fake?”

Oh, Dashie, you and your silly, often hilarious, lapses in judgement. That line made me laugh more than all the other humor in this chapter put together.

And it looks like Spike's hopes of being with Rarity are smashed in yet another fanfic. Due to the pony who takes care of him no less. This is why I don't necessarily approve of the TwilightxRarity ship. It's more painful than a kick to the dragonballs.

“What are YOU?!!” Logic exclaimed. Pinkie smiled.

'are' should be capitalised for the intended emphasis. As it is, the emphasis is on 'you', meaning she sounds more confused about who is what, rather than what pinkie is.

So, with the new mature rating, is this going to turn into a full clopfic? If so, please sustain the story fully and don't renounce it for the sex. It's a really good story. Glad I tracked :twilightsmile:

1020540 Don't count Spike out just yet. Remember that Logic doesn't have natural emotions like love so anything between her and Rarity is a one-sided plane crash waiting to happen (Good for Spike, bad for Rarity).

1022806 You know I think you're right about that part, it would sound better and point more emphasis on Logic's confusion about Pinkie Pie. As for the mature rating don't worry; that's only because Anger's a foul-mouth and Logic did just kill quite a few creatures (Also I plan for Creativity to become very drastic). The main storyline will always be about Logic and the Elements versus the other fragments and Creativity's scheming.

1023670 Ah, that's good to hear, I just got worried when I needed to confirm that I was of the legal age to view mature material in my country, haha. It would have been really weird for this to suddenly turn into clop. Although, on that note, seeing Lust would still be funny.

I love what you're doing with Creativity. Twilight's creativity is held back by her morals, just as in real life progress can often not be made in Science due to ethics. An unrestrained Creativity will ignore all ethics and morals, focusing purely on progress. I love that you've recognised this.

1023670 Bad for Rarity? Well that's no good either! :raritycry:

1023670

this does NOT merit a mature rating; teen is plenty. Trust me on this one :derpytongue2:

1031446 Oh just you wait, I plan on making it worthy of that rating :pinkiehappy: You know I actually don't know if that's a good or bad thing :unsuresweetie:

1031546

you mean you intend to have explicit clop scenes??:rainbowwild:

if not, nothing you do can make it mature rating. even discussing adult themes in the story (even at length) or having heavy innuendo and profanity still make it teen rating only. honestly, I don't want this story to be dragged down by an unnecessary mature tag. people
won't read it.

tl;dr: no clop = teen rating only.:scootangel:

I can't help but think of Logic as Spock. I wonder, does that make Creativity Kirk?

Mission - Rush

There is a part towards the end where you say Creativity instead of Logic. Besides that; good chapter and poor recruit.

1089888 Hehe... so I did :facehoof:. It's fixed now, sorry for any confusion.

jesus, took forever to get the time to type this.
I keep noticing that Logic will occasionaly breake the fourth wall. How can she do that? There must be some logical explination.

1094578 It's simple really, because she embodies just logic and intelligence her brain focuses on these traits making her smarter than almost everyone else and giving her semi-omnipotent deduction. She was able to figure that she is in a fictional story.

1094743
... That is a very logical answer, for a very logical pony.

What's left in the original Twilight Sparkle? and can they start putting some of the captured ones back?

This is such a good idea, I love it. Progress vs Ethics, literally.

1095822 What's left? I guess any of her psyche that didn't escape is still in there (But she'd be unstable and certainly crazy if Logic hadn't frozen her). As for your second question: I plan for Logic to explain it in the next chapter.

1104064 Thanks, and your right. Creativity does like progress. Just don't call her sadistic because, you know, she's totally not.

I would've asked if there's a graph somewhere that matches each part of the psyche with its respective color, but then I remembered from that mention of Twilight's sex drive that you're keeping much of your cards close to the vest. Too bad, since one thing I enjoyed while watching both Fullmetal Alchemist series was counting down the villains as they were defeated one-by-one. And speaking of ... that particular part of Twilight's personality, I'd like to entertain the possibility that Creativity might have some inventive ways to pass the time with her new toy. She's got him completely at her mercy, so why not? :rainbowkiss:

I was on the fence about reading this fanfic at the beginning, so now I'm pretty darn glad for giving it a shot. It's so interesting and entertaining. But I do have two complaints: one is the way you're representing Trixie. Sure, this personality is 100% canon, but there's plenty of room of speculation and insight. Twilight's friends were the ones bad-mouthing her show, so it was actually fairly admirable of her to take them down a notch. Humiliating the yellow mare in this chapter, who wasn't even saying anything, was just a random act of cruelty. Besides, events in Ponyville would have mellowed her out a bit. But more importantly, the big question is she will contend with a Twilight who's far more furious and uninhibited than the one she knows? She won't be prepared, that's for sure. It would also be nice if Spike were to have more to do in future chapters. Saving Trixie, perhaps? That's probably not at all what you have planned, but I would personally love to see them shipped from time to time.

My second complaint: still no sex drive fragment! :twilightangry2: Eh, since this probably won't turn into a clopfic, I'll just write my own image of events. Don't tell me if it's similar to what you're planning ... and don't judge me either.

A pink flash surprised the chicken feathers out of Spike, making him drop a ton of books on his foot. Twilight stood behind him wearing a half-lidded expression while trailing her tongue across her lips. "Hey there, Spikey-Wikey."

"Hey Twi, you got a little Pink Eye there ... ohmygosh, you're a fragment!" He ran for the arsenal of capture devices, but Twilight snared him with her magic and teleported them out of the treehouse. They reappeared high up in the sky, Twilight resting hooves-up on a cloud with Spike on top of her. Panicking, Spike scrambled off her stomach, but much to his shock and horror, slipped through the cloud and plunged toward the ground far below. Twilight let his adrenaline reach a satisfactory level before remotely teleporting him several feet above her, letting him slap down on her torso again and wrapping him in a cocoon of legs.

"Cloud-walking spell for me, but none for you," she said cheerily, then added in a breathy voice, "Guess you'd better grab onto me niiiiiice and tight with those short, cute little limbs of yours."

Spike freaked out and scrambled away from that expression on her face, which ironically put him right where Twilight wanted him. She squeezed her thighs to hold him in place and started gyrating her hips. Spike broke free and pushed himself back up to her chest, but she leaned up and kissed him full in the mouth, making him back up again. More hip movement bounced him in place and she smirked at him. "Bow or stern, either way somethin's happening to you."

"Can't you just let me go?" pleaded the partly terrified, partly confused, partly excited dragon who despite the cartoon suggested was definitely old enough for this sort of encounter.

Twilight answered by smooshing his face between her hooves. "I'm excited, I'm wet, and I'm isolated on a high-up cloud where nopony will find me with the adorably scaly little dragon who has no way of stopping me from doing whatever the hay I want to him. Now ... tell Twilight about some of your Rarity fantasies."

Can ya tell I enjoy TwiSpike?

1108530 You never know what Creativity will do so... experimentation with her new servant is never out of the question :raritywink:. Speaking of Trixie, I know that I made her seem rather cruel in Creativity's First Day but my belief is that she's not mean it's just part of her act. She gets extra publicity by humiliating ponies and it's not the cruelty she likes it's the attention. Ponyville probably mellowed her out but like any good actor she puts on the mask again and plays her part. And yes, I have every intention of Anger finally meeting Trixie and repaying her for the way she acted... in the traditional style of course :pinkiecrazy:. As for who will save her? Maybe she'll surprise all of us and give Anger a challenge to remember. Who knows?

I would never judge on your preferences (I can tell you enjoy TwiSpike very much) but I can say that I laughed at your little scene there. I can totally see a lust fragment acting in that way towards Spike. But is there even a lust fragment? The suspense is killing ME! :trollestia:

1111158

She gets extra publicity by humiliating ponies and it's not the cruelty she likes it's the attention. Ponyville probably mellowed her out but like any good actor she puts on the mask again and plays her part.

I was thinking it might be something like that. There is definitely more depth to Trixie than some seem to realize, and since this fanfic is all about different facets of a personality, it shouldn't be a surprise that everyone's favorite showpony has been given just as much consideration. And what you suggested about Trixie fighting back on her own actually gives me chills. There are so many cheap fanfics and artwork of Trixie confronting Twilight as a straight-up villain, but having her make a stand against a genuinely bad version of Twilight while holding her own pretty well would make her not just a badass, but a hero. In my headcanon, Trixie has always dreamed of being a hero, hence her Ursa Major tall tale.

Ah, and I also wanted to mention Duncan's keen observations on Steadfast and Ebony Spring; those guards are no slackers.

1113020 I always believed there was more depth to her than a straight up evil mare who wants to make everyone feel bad. I never thought that she'd return to Ponyville in a fit of evil intent to harm Twilight and take revenge upon the whole town, there's always a lot more under the surface. I also think that she's probably a lot more competent at magic than what we've seen so unless completely caught off guard she could hold her own in a fight. As for wanting to be a hero, I think when it comes down to it we all want that in one form or another.

Also, (though it's just a slight detail), Duncan isn't actually a royal guard, he is one of Equestria's soldiers. The story's canon is that the Equestrian Army and Royal Guards are two separate things, like the US Armed Forces and a city policeman. The guards protect the Princesses, Canterlot, and police the land while the Army stands at the borders ready to defend the country in case of attack. Duncan, being Head General, is required to stay in Canterlot sometimes for updates and the like, though he hates it. In fact Duncan is openly in conflict with Shining Armor all the time. Shining wants to protect Canterlot and the Princesses while Duncan is more concerned with protecting the country as a whole (The Changeling invasion was a gold mine for Duncan to make fun of Shining, he still pokes fun at him for it). Regardless your statement still stands: Canterlot's Royal Guards are no slackers.

Anger reminds me of omally or omega ahout out to rvb

Great story. Didn't notice any mistakes while I was reading through it.

Jesus, this gets more and more crazy with every chapter, I love it

My question was asked through Spike woot!

What's the total again?

My, my, Morality has quite the potty mouth. Kinda reminds me of my mother.

Lie - Dream Theater

Seriously deceit just that just screams Gamma this guy may not have known it but this is quite similar to the latter seasons of Red Vs. Blue
And i love every second of it:yay:

1214101 In case you're wondering I'm actually a longtime fan of Red vs Blue. It's a great series and while I wasn't thinking specifically about the series when I wrote this I do see the resemblance. Geez just think if Deceit and Gamma met each other :pinkiegasp:... they'd have a field day like no other.

1218445 Good to see you're enjoying it. As for the craziness just wait... It gets better.

1218485 They've captured a total of twenty of Twilight's psyche fragments. I don't include every capture cause that would just get repetitive and boring (most captures aren't that exciting).

1219513 She certainly does. Morality can be worse than Anger sometimes, but it's not her fault. She has... personality issues.

1222132

I meant 20 out of what. :pinkiehappy:

1222147 Oops, got confused there. I still haven't decided how many fragments there actually are. I'm leaning towards a number between 34 and 42.

Small nitpick here, but it doesn't really make sense that Zecora had to go get the mane six to, in turn, go after the CMC. She could've retrieved them herself.

Morality seems like an interesting character. If I'm not mistaken, the reason she's like that is to suggest the duality of intelligence, and to demonstrate the inner conflict we all experience, or something of that respect. Nice idea on your part. Here's still hoping there a Lust fragment out there, and that her target is Spike ...

Lust: [licks lips]
Spike: "Wh-which fragment are you? Hunger?
Lust: "Close enough."

At this rate, I'm probably gonna end up writing that whole scene. Now ... who could that injured pegasus be?

1252540 I wouldn't call it nitpicking, more like picking up on a rather illogical detail. It does seem a little odd that Zecora wouldn't fetch them herself but there are two reasons why. One is Zecora probably knows the forest the best so she easily knows that one pony (or zebra) would be ineffective at bringing back the fillies with all the danger the forest presents. That, and she saw Deceit making her own way to the forest and understood that she was trouble and probably planned to block any attempts to reach the CMC (as shown in the chapter). I hope that clears up it up (I probably should have made Zecora explain that in the chapter... she's hard to write dialogue for with all that rhyming).

And about Morality, you're spot on with her. No matter how hard we try we will always have two sides: the noble side that seeks cooperation, group acceptance, and friendship; while the other side wants dominance: it wants to be the Alpha male/female, it wants to show its dominance through action, and thinks only of itself and its own survival. Obviously because Twilight was a good person her noble side has control of the body while the evil side hitchhikes, not in control but always there.

And lastly, about a lust fragment, well we'll just have to wait and see :trollestia:

1223832
I'll begin reading this shortly, but go with 42, its the answer to life, the universe, and everything. :trollestia:

..........Those stallions got what they deserved. They ALL died, right?

At the rate their going they might not even need all the Twilight's to complete Twilight. That is since they all seem to be gaining more to their personas than just their standard default.

I gotta say, this chapter pushed the envelope a little. If I remember correctly, this was rated "teen" before you punched it up to cover Anger's profanity and Morality's vulgar language. I actually liked that, since they've got the kind of language we would expect to hear from a furious, uninhibited rage-monster and someone with a cheap set of ethics.

The scene with the slaver crew, on the other hand, was a bit much. With cute, hilarious moments such as Anger and Morality's method of seeing inside the house and Creativity's chimney peril (especially when she pointed with her leg), weaving a rape and a bloody massacre into the story was pretty jarring. I'm glad they got their comeuppance, but I personally feel the rescue should have happened before Brand Hoof got started on Mute and the violence didn't have to be covered in quite that much detail. Not that I like the story less for it, no way.

I'm anticipating the next chapter because it looks like Spike and Rarity are going to be isolated together and will both vulnerable to a certain fragment that I'm still hoping exists. I feel a little bad for wanting Spike to be Lust's target while forgetting Rarity's twinge of excitement when she nuzzled Logic (even though writers who ship Rarity feel too often that Spike is inconsequential). Since Logic obviously isn't into Rarity, Lust (if she exists) will probably be more interested in her ... and hopefully Spike won't be left out. That's my theory, anyway, and I promise not to be disappointed if I'm wrong.

1273423

but I personally feel the rescue should have happened before Brand Hoof got started on Mute

I was expecting this to happen. The rape actually happening before the rescue was a lot more realistic, which I can really appreciate as it makes this fic all the more serious. Still shook me up a little, though, although knowing that the author is ready and willing to address such sensitive matters makes me all the more excited for the next chapter.

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