Government in Equestria has been a monarchy ruled by Celestia for 1000 years. What happens when Luna returns? The younger ruler doesn't seem to appreciate the changes her sister made while she was away. A revolution ensues and the fate of Equestria lies in the balance. Who will decide the future of the nation and all who dwell within it?
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Leaving this here in case I ever want to use this spot.
An Evil Celestia fic?
This goes straight to the watchlist!
I like this story a lot. I'm sorry if I haven't commented previously. The only thing I'm seeing here that's making it a difficult read is you aren't punctuating the dialogue properly. Whenever a new character speaks you need to start a new paragraph. Additionally, you need to make sure you're attributing all dialogue. An example of this is:
"Rainbow!" Apple Jack yelled.
"Be nice!" The waiter moseyed over to their table
I actually don't know who said "Be nice!". I can't tell if it was Applejack or the waiter. I am only assuming that it was Applejack. If that is the case it should read:
"Rainbow!" Apple Jack yelled. "Be nice!"
The waiter moseyed over to their table
Likewise, when you are moving on to a different action from a different character, make sure you start a new paragraph. Like this:
"Fine then it has been settled, I will come stay with you and your pony fellow.
I will come over tomorrow evening, for I need to get things before leaving." Twilight beamed at the news and seemed barely able to speak.
"I... Awesome! I'll see you tomorrow around sundown then?" Zacora just nodded already getting things packed for her move.
I know that it's Zecora talking (It's Zecora BTW, not Zacora) because she rhymes, but the way it's written it could be Twilight. To make it clearer you'd want to do this:
"Fine then it has been settled, I will come stay with you and your pony fellow.
I will come over tomorrow evening, for I need to get things before leaving."
Twilight beamed at the news and seemed barely able to speak.
"I... Awesome! I'll see you tomorrow around sundown then?"
Zacora just nodded already getting things packed for her move.
It seems like it's adding unnecessary space and such, but it'll help readers like me immensely. Keep writing, it's a really interesting story.
428375 Thanks im glad you like the story :) I'll try to work on the dialogue and I'll Pri go back and fix Zecora's name just cuz thats the kind of thing that bugs me. I'll Pri end up writing quite a bit this weekend so I'd guess by like mon or tues another chapter will be out. Thanks for your input!
great story. can't wait for the next chapter.
"My Struggle"? Lol, that's one mighty big anvil you dropped there.
466309 thanks! I hope to have the next chapter up soon.
466359 Hmm I've never herd (haha see what I did there
) that exact expression b4 but I know what u mean. And yes, yes it was, but that was the point.
"oh my Celestia!"said spike "Celestia's trying to kill us!"
469945 lol... maybe...
531615
United States Declaration of Independence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Declaration_of_Independence
I knew someone would find it quickly lol
time to read... and now I have read...
"Common Sense", huh? Should seem familiar to those studying the US revolution.
533932
Ya there's a lot of history references, not all necessarily from the revolutionary war, but there are quite a few. Anyways while they share the name they really aren't all that similar. While they both talk about splitting away from a larger empire Paine wasn't telling a new idea he was just rephrasing the enlightenment thinkers ideas so the common people could understand. Spike and the others are thinking up an idea apparently not thought up before. "Common Sense" was the most circulated book in american history, by percentage of population. Hopeful The sixes will be just as successful!
I would have to say family comes first dude
547792 I would tend to agree but we'll have to see what shining armor decides.
I sense a serious lack of comon sense among these ponies once I put their plans into perspective. Luna is right, she is no general and would greatly benifit from some sort of advisor...
like the new chapter cant wait for the next one
No offense, but 20 days for a 900 word chapter seems a liitle lite.
Ya I know I suck at getting these out. :P will try to do better.
good chapter again
973442
Thanks for commenting, even if it is the generic "good job" it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that somepony appreciates my work
mother of god....
oh no not dash anypony but dash
good as usual I want to see some war conflict
980028 It's getting there. I would give you a chapter I think it might start on but honestly I'm not so sure myself. Soon though... Soon...
Doctor out.
Personally, I think the plot is alright, but you really should look over your chapters more carefully before posting them. Grammar and spelling mistakes are a HUGE turnoff for a lot of readers (myself included), and your story is chock-full of them, even on pages that you say you've spellchecked. Have other people read and correct your work in addition to spellchecking before uploading. There may also be a site online where you can just copy and paste your stuff and it'll proofread it for you.
982479 Alright thanks for the advice, admitably I should have proof readers. If you want the position, go wild. I'll link the chapters on google docs in a bit, I'm currently on my phone so it would be a bit of a hassle. All of the chapters are currently on 1 doc (im gonna have to start a new one soon it takes FOREVER to load). If you want me to make separate docs for then I'd be fine with that, just let me know. After the next chapter I'll start a new one anyways, like I said loading issues. I can have the link up in less than an hour if your up for it. Thanks again.
Doctor out.
EDIT: Here's the link to it on google docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1REN5SFiwIvLfIj0ooPqk02-PFAEqGnMiSSAMJt7I0qM/edit#
EDIT TWO: Well apparently it doesn't link, just copy and paste into browser it should work.
982479 I just realized your watching me and not just following the story. Kinda touched I guess lol. Am I really that good? Ya know aside from all the spelling and grammar issues.
PS: Look at your inbox if u haven't already.
983509 You seem like you'll improve over time, so I'm willing to overlook grammar mistakes for a good plot
I can't wait to see what other sorts of interesting stories are lurking in your brain haha 
Lol i just read the description and talked to the screen giving why utopia is nearly impossible to achieve using bioshock as one of my examples
cant wait for the next chapter
1063884
A few things
1.) My improved description was apparently somewhat successful :)
2.) I've never played bio shock but have hear a lot of good things. I new to get on that.
3.) OMG ANOTHER PERSON (pony) COMMENTED *squee*
1064220
You always want to make me write when I read your comments lol, motivational I guess.
This part is for everypony, not just a response to death. (that sounded so weird) Chapters 1-6 have been edited and are now a LOT better. You can thank Chery Twist for that. That pony is awesome :D don't know when more will be edited but I'll upload 1-6 as soon as I can get to a real computer. The old ones won't be lost, I have an old backup cuz I'm OCD like that. Don't know why anyone would want those but hey maybe someday I can look back and go.
"why the hell did anyone read this, I sucked at writing!" lol
Anyways ANOTHER PERSON IS WATCHING ME!
Doctor out.
Did.....Celestia just say what I think she said? Some ponies....are more equal than others? ANIMAL FARM REFERENCE SPOTTED!!!! I'm happy that I'm seeing all the references in stories now.
NOOOOO, NOT SCOOTALLLLOOOOOOOO!!!! Luna, you can murder Celestia now.
1181338
Your the first one to comment on that reference lol. I thought some1 would get it when I released those first 4 chapters but... it took until 15 was out lol. Whatever, the point got across.
Right so I think at least some ppl will read this. I am very unhappy with where this story is currently. The reason I started writing it and the reasons I continued to write it were not the same, thereby making the story feel inconsistent. Not to mention that I don't like where the story is so much I don't like reading it, and I wrote the damn thing. I'm putting it on hiatus until exams are over and I feel like I have a good idea of what I want to do. Not that I don't already know I'm scrapping the whole thing and starting over, I just want to decide where I'm going to start. I am however going to keep this version just for posterity, cuz I'm like that and my Google drive still has a ton of unused storage. Untill then
Doctor out.
466359
I think what makes it worst is him qouting it at the top.