Chapter 21: Castle-Insania
Returning to the castle so soon wasn’t exactly in my plans, but after Luna had filled me in on the details, I felt more than obliged to attend to my duties. Apparently Blueblood had taken advantage of my absence to return to all of his old bad habits, verbally abusing the staff, making ridiculous demands of the city council, and generally making a righteous pain in the flank out of himself.
Luna and I arrive on the roof of the building, where she and I go our separate ways. Her, returning to her duties as Princess of the Night, and me, to track down a certain self-righteous bunghole and make his night miserable. Of course, according to my normal decrees, I couldn’t exactly go near him until morning, so I went about the rest of his usual stomping grounds in the castle, righting some wrongs and returning my own personal sense of order to his pompous chaos.
I work through the night, making some necessary changes, and talking to a few certain members of the night shift who weren’t totally put-off by my presence. They were more than happy to help me out if it meant dealing with my particular brand of assholishness as opposed to Bluey’s, so we got quite a lot done.
I also wrote a few letters to some night-owl members of the council, not expecting much, and being pleasantly surprised when they, too, had grown weary of Blue’s latest outburst of… himself over the last week, eager to get things back to normal. With the added bonus of sticking their ‘Prince’ where it hurt.
The next morning arrives rather quickly, and I find myself a little tired. Although it’s hardly the first workday I’ve done on little sleep, and I seem to be running both on vindication, and the slight buzz from my rather successful encounter with a certain adorable mailmare. Soon enough, of course, it’s six o’clock in the morning, and time for my boss to get up.
The butler who had been taking over my responsibilities, bless his heart, made a valiant attempt to get Blueblood out of bed the normal way, only to be yelled at and threatened with quite a few legal actions I happen to know for a fact Blueblood didn’t have the power or influence to carry out. I patted the dejected butler on the back as he walked out of the room, more than happy to leave things to me, as I let the door softly click shut.
Only to burst it open again with as many party whistles a I could fit into my mouth.
*FWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Our ‘beloved’ prince fell out of bed with such enthusiasm I thought that maybe it had tried to bite him. “WHAT THE TARTARUS-Oh god it’s you,” he groaned, his rage subsided with a wave of disappointment as I marched into the room. “What the Tirek are you doing here? I thought you’d be gone for weeks!”
“You did!” I answered gleefully, throwing open his armoire carelessly, picking out the most obnoxious suit I could find. “Get dressed, you have a very busy day ahead of you!”
He pulled the clothes off his face with a stern look. “I know for a fact that I have no plans for today-” he started to argue, before I pulled out a really big list.
“On the contrary, you have a six-thirty meeting with the city planning board about your request to zone and build a new hotel in downtown Canterlot, then an eight o’clock breakfast with Aunt Luna and Celestia, OH! And Cadence will be there! Then there’s your ten o’clock with the disciplinary board about your community service, then lunch with the delegates from the Changeling Nation. At one o’clock you have a rather important meeting with the Royal Canterlot Orchestra, then the Canterlot Safety and Security Board has requested a two o’clock with you. Also there’s tea with Celestia and Discord at three-thirty, then your meeting with the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, which should actually take a while, those guys love to run their mouths. Then dinner with Luna, and finally you and I need to do our performance review before I clock off for the night!”
Each word out of my mouth seemed to slightly adjust some kind of palette dial in Blueblood’s face, as he grew more and more red as I spoke. “You did this, didn’t you?”
I gave him my most genuine, happy, dangerous smile. “No, Prince. YOU did.”
----------------------
“REJECTED?!” Blueblood shouts to the rooftops, as he bust out of the meeting hall in indignant rage. “How dare they reject my hotel! Who’s the brilliant moron who pointed out that that block was a historical site anyways?!”
“Gee, I wonder,” I muse to myself, trotting loyally alongside.
--------------------
Blueblood and I walk slowly out of the dining hall, his head hung low while I beamed with pride. His Aunts and Cousin had wasted no time in serving him every backhanded comment, every disapproving glance, and every “tut-tut” in their arsenal. Between their combined experience as Royal Sovereigns, babysitters, aunts, and in Cadence’s case, parenthood, they had lobbed every guilty trick in the book at him over the last half hour that they were capable of.
“So what’s next?” I ask cheerfully, pulling out the list.
------------------------
“DOUBLE!” he shouts, again bursting out of the meeting hall in a royal huff. “They served me DOUBLE my sentence, simply for missing a few days!”
“Yes, it’s almost as if somepony had pointed out all of the compoundable offenses you’d committed to them in some rather detailed overnight letter,” I thought aloud.
He glared at me horribly. I beamed.
----------------------
Once again, Blueblood walked slowly and shamefully out of the room. This time, covered in green changeling goo. “Not a word.”
“You called them cheeselegs.”
“NOT. A WORD.”
“That’s like, a massive racial slur in Changeling vernacular.”
“SCHADEN.”
“Just saying.”
----------------------
“A RESTRAINING ORDER?! HOW?!” Blueblood yelled, waving the piece of paper in front of him vigorously.
“Maybe somepony pointed out to their conductor that sending notice to civilian mares informing them of your intent to start a harem, and requesting their presence, was made a sexual harrasment charge over a hundred years ago? Just a guess.”
“SHUT UP, SCHADEN.”
-------------------
“THEY. TOOK DOWN. MY STATUE.” He yelled, storming out of the meeting room again.
“Yes. Who knew that it was positioned in such a place as to block a certain traffic light from view at a specific angle as to render the entire statue a major traffic violation. Did you know that? They sure did. Somehow.”
He just growled incomprehensibly as we made our way to the tea room.
------------------
I wasn’t even talking as we walked. I was just laughing. Hard, and loud. I almost couldn’t keep up.
Where Prince Blueblood’s Cutie Mark had been, and, in fact, along the rest of his side, were printed the words “Kick me, I’m a Stoopy Poopy Scare-a-dy Pony” in bright red letters.
He walked along with a slight limp, as a large red hoofmark shone on his flank. He said nothing.
-------------------------------
“They kicked me out,” he said hollowly. All the air had left him, it seems.
“Who knew they could fill an entire two hours with every violation you’d ever committed against the Equestrian National Unicorn Society? That was a very well-organized list, too.”
------------------------
The doors to the dining room burst open, as Blueblood ran screaming. I simply trotted along, confident that I’d catch up with him. Luna simply chuckled behind me.
I was starting to like her.
-----------------------
Blueblood slammed his head against the desk, making the rather large stack of papers next to him bounce with each impact.
I continued to read off the list. “Reason two hundred seventy-five I’m legally entitled to a raise...”
(Read in the voice of David Attenborough)
And here we see the rare Douchehorse in his natural habitat, consuming the misery of the young Self-entitled Equis Regia. It is not known what the older, more dominant members of the Regia Herd gain from allowing the douchehorse to feed upon their younger kin, but the sight has long been considered one of the most Schadenfruede laden moments in biological history, and was bravely captured by Professor McRae.
Okay, this was wonderful! I loved every minute of it!
Schaden deserves to be an Alicorn. at least for a single day for this.
VERY nice
This makes me feel as though Shaden is a natural politician. He can figure out problems most ponies don't know exist, can point out straightforward solutions that make sense, and knows enough ponies that he has the right connections to make it happen. All he needs is motivation; that is, knowing that a specific pony or group will be supremely annoyed by it.
8448596
The Alicorn of Passive Aggressive Justice, and Annoyances
I feel like Ode to Joy was being played in Schaden's head during the entire day
All hail Schadenfreude, our grand lord of trolls! May his rein be long and prosperous!
8448640
If only Schadenfreude could be give his own ministry under Celestia's government, he could call it the Bureau of Annoyances, Serious Teasing, and All Rude Dirtyness.
8448585
You and me both. If I die tomorrow, I'll be fine.
Wow, I knew Blueblood is bad, but bad on Celestia for raising such a racist.
8448699
And then resorting to this walking nails-on-a-board to "solve" her problem.
The fact that a pony like Schadenfreude is needed to make anything better honestly, seriously, depresses me. I'm not laughing, I'm just feeling sad. Like this Equestria is a sad, sad place.
8448578
Blueblood appears weary and beaten down by the events of the day. Schaden closes in for the kill; in his weaken, exhausted state, the Prince will prove no match for to Schaden should he wish to challenge for dominance.
But what is this?
Schaden comes not with a challenge, but with gifts; a bottle of alcohol to soothe frayed nerves and calm tense minds, and a schedule free of meetings, hearings, and reviews to be spent relaxing at the Royal Opera House for an exclusive event.
Has Schaden lost his touch with this gifts of supplication? Is he going soft in the interest of bonhomie?
On the contrary, it appears Schaden knows exactly what he is doing; the liquor so greedily imbibed by the Prince is none other than that infamous Mexicoltl cactus-whiskey "Patada del Diablo", well-known (and feared) for its terrible hang-overs.
And the exclusive event?
Why none other than a premier, encore performance of Il Trotore's Anvil Chorus
Let it never be said that Schadenfreude has lost his touch...
8448771
The beaten down part is certainly true. Too bad Blueblood has to be the Death Eater to justify Schadenfreude, else this would be an excellent way to set up a redemption. But that won't happen, I think.
I wonder how Schadenfreude would react if Blueblood offered to rein in his behaviour in exchange for having to spend less time with him. Well, probably smug superiority, like he does nearly everything. Unless that actually threatened his employ, then he might care.
What a weird revenge that would be. On the one hand, Celestia would just find a way to reward him handsomely for "leading her nephew to better himself". On the other hand, he'd lose one big acceptable target and would have to deal more with victims able to fight back...
8448803 Doubt it would work Blueblood in this story strikes me as the type without a foil to revert to type. Besides we can look at what happened here, Blueblood having escaped Schaden reverted to type. I'm sure before reaching this idea Celestia had tried temporary things
i don't think i'm ever going to get tired of this story. i'ts been so long since i found a great comedy.
Wonderful, such a glorious way to reign Blueblood back in.
Well played.
Glen Gorewood
8448833
I don't think Blueblood reverted back to anything. With Schaden around, he's simply too busy being absolutely miserable all the time. In fact, it doesn't seem like he has anything in his life that brings him any joy. He has a pony hired to bully him, but other than that, what's his purpose? He's a joke. He's there to suffer for Schadenfreude's amusement, and for Celestia's, who encourages it and protects Schaden. Blueblood's life is completely empty. And I don't see Celestia caring any. Luna, of course not.
That's just depressing.
8449033
Shit man that's dark.
8449053
Even Starlight's and Trixie's lives are turning around. They have moments of happiness now and again. And they did worse than Blueblood.
Then again, Schadenfreude was also determined to make sure Starlight and Trixie didn't smile when he was around them. You're only allowed to be happy around Schaden when you're stronger than him or he wants something out of you.
And I know the story justifies it all with Blueblood's actions, but really, he's mainly annoying ponies. Much like Schadenfreude himself. Schaden, however, will always come out on top.
What really drove it home for me was the part with the Unicorn Society. Read that again:
That sounds like someone who's really lost something important to them. Someone deeply, emotionally wounded. Yes, it's his fault, but the way it reads, he's close to crying. Maybe it would've been time to back off from the gloating.
Schadenfreude didn't. He doesn't care. I doubt he ever cared, no matter what he said.
8449033 Let agree to disagree it is implied the princesses had tried to reign in Blueblood before. Schaden is the only thing that has worked.
After being freed due to his own actions IE getting sentenced to community service and Schaden not being permitted in the library what did he do.
If YOU CARE ABOUT something and know the rules then why upon why do you break them.. Yuo either do not care or believe they don;t apply to you
8448682
What you have done there, I see it. Well done!
Oh God, I freaking love Schaden
8449200
Agree to disagree. The way I see it, Luna and Celestia mainly want someone to laugh at. They don't really care. They didn't care with Twilight either when Schaden read her porn out loud. But, again, agree to disagree.
The story can still prove me wrong. Maybe Celestia and Luna will show they care. Maybe Blueblood will get to a better place. Maybe Schadenfreude will have more instances where his plot armor fails again. Maybe being with Derpy helps him be less of a prick. Who knows. It already did so once.
This was simply, brilliant.
I love this way too much
Today has NOT been a good day for me overall.
HOWEVER, this chapter has really helped to brighten up my spirits tonight as I settle down for sleep.
Honestly the only complaint I have is we didn't get MORE of our protagonist in action, along with a more up close in detail look at Bluey's DESPAIR and FURY! >=)
Seriously, another hilarious chapter, and I anxiously await more. I REALLY hope, if possible, that you can churn out another one tomorrow! <3
Being a Douchehorse:
First, you put an incredible amount of effort into making almost everyone hate you.
Then, you accuse almost everyone of unfairly hating you without reason.
Finally, convince yourself that you believe your accusations are true.
Congratulations! You have committed social suicide, while leaving just barely enough people around who don't hate you that you can convince yourself it wasn't your fault!
Which, by the way, it totally was.
Now wallow in misery and hatred for your imaginary enemies, while thinking up more ways to harm yourself.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
It's nice to see Schaden using his powers for good. I love how he systematically made BB suffer a humiliation conga.
Oh I love this guy he is my new favorite character, hell I couldn't stop smiling during the whole story.
My main worry is Schaden running out of nasty things to do to Blueblood.
As much as I like this... it seems a bit cruel as opposed to just. There is a point at which it goes from funny to uncomfortable, and I am not a cruel enough man to fully enjoy this.
8450191
It seems cruel, but you have to remember that everything Schadie does here is a direct response to Blue Balls' fuckery. Most of it is just telling people they don't have to deal with his shit because he did everything wrong. Like reporting his offenses to different organizations, if Blue Balls hadn't done the crimes they couldn't have kicked him out in the first place.
8449736
The thing you're best at, your special talent, the thing that defines who you are is annoying people. You don't hurt people, you don't break laws, but you get put in jail repeatedly, and everyone treats you like a criminal. "Don't be who you are, we don't like it".
8449238
>Blue Balls sexually assaults someone >he causes traffic accidents with a statue of himself >he wants to replace historically significant buildings with a freakin motel 6 >"he's such a poor guy, he didn't deserve it". The whole point of this is to use Shaden to show Blue Balls what someone being an asshat to you is like, so he'll stop being such a self centered cunt bag, but it's not working well at all because his head is just that far up his own ass. Schaden may be a dick to people, but he does actually care about how they feel. He gives some of the people Blue Balls fucks with revenge, and he doesn't have to listen to them at all. He has a sense of justice, he targeted the people who skipped out on cleaning after the party because they made everyone else's job harder. Schaden is a dick, yeah, but he never said he wasn't a dick. He's a dick with a purpose. He teaches people valuable life lessons by being a dick. With Twilights fanfiction, he taught her that if you enjoy doing something, if you're good at it, you shouldn't worry about what people think of you for doing it. All he did was read it and she tried to kill him, talk about dick moves. With the maids fuggin in a closet, he taught them to not fugg around on the job, or in your place of employment, or at the very least to lock the goddamn door first. He could have blackmailed them, or gotten them fired, and he just embarrassed them.
8450357
MLP's ponies have cutie mark talents, but they aren't ruled by them.
What I'm getting at is that Schadenfreude is picking the wrong targets. He annoys almost everyone, and considers it a special gift to a pony if he simply refrains from attacking them in that way. This behavior isn't just the use of a "special talent," it's literally sadism. He avoids breaking the law in the same way an interrogator water-boarding a suspect does, but at least the interrogator is limited to a select few targets.
8450393
You're putting words in my mouth there, friend. I never said Blueblood didn't deserve bad things happening to him. In fact, I said the exact opposite. I'm just not so willing to give Schaden a pass as many others. And gloating when the victims seems not just angry or upset, but outright broken...
Also, sexual assault? Please cite this from the text.
8450412
This. Far as I can see, Schadenfreude's targets are less picked because of a moral code and more because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout from anyone powerful enough to really get back at him.
That's why Trixie beating him up came as a surprise to him: He thought he could keep pushing, cause Trixie is just a blowhard. Then she proved him wrong.
My, bad sexual harassment, not sexual assault. All Blue Blood has to do to end this torture of minor annoyances is stop being such a dick. If he hadn't been such a dick in the first place, (harassing staff, threatening people, etc) Celestia wouldnt have hired Schaden in the first place. If he didnt start being a dick again the instant Schaden left, Schaden wouldn't have had to come back and ruined all his plans. Putting someone in a hole with no way out is cruel. Putting someone in a hole with a ladder big enough to get out bolted to the side of the hole is not cruel. Plus literally everything Schaden does to Blue Balls is a direct result of Blue Balls' own actions. If he could wake himself up on time, he wouldn't have to get woken up by noisemakers. If he could dress himself, he wouldn't have itchy tags and ties. If he didn't break an organization's rules, they wouldn't have kicked him out. If he followed proper zoning regulations, his buildings wouldn't be taken down.
8450412
Cutie marks are literally derived from thier talents and personality. Ponies arent ruled by their cutie marks, cutie marks are ruled by their ponies. Let me put it this way, having an axe as a cutie mark doesn't make you good at cutting wood, being a good woodcutter is what gets you an axe cutie mark. He's said repeatedly that his special talent is finding the little things that annoy people and exploiting them. Take in mind that it's literally impossible in this world to lie to yourself about who you are, because as soon as you find your purpose its magically branded on your ass. How you interpret that brand can be different, for example how Schaden has a tilted painting and it represents his talent with being annoying, instead of meaning he's just good at tilting paintings. So Schaden having his cutie mark doesn't make him good at annoying people, he has his cutie mark because he's good at annoying people. That's who he is. He still doesn't hurt people, and is jailed for being himself. He could exploit his talents for personal gain, he could blackmail the shit out of people to get him to leave them alone, but he doesn't do that. He could be as unrelenting as he is with Blue Balls with everyone else, but he doesn't do that, as he said earlier he likes it best when the people he's annoying deserve it.
Every time I've seen him do something to someone in the story so far, they did something to deserve it. Half the time they probably learned something from it.
8450433
>Twilight "practically a God now" Sparkle
>Starlight "let's end the world several times" Glimmer
8450344
I agree with the crime related stuff at any rate. But the social manipulations (why I should get a raise, prolonged exposure to pissy Luna, the Lunch of eternal condescension) seam a bit below the belt. Or maybe I'm just over emphatic and will make a terrible parent because all my punishments will be education first, punishment second/never.
8449736
I find your interpretation on the events that happened hilariously (and woefully) inaccurate. It should be blatantly apparent, if you were actually reading the story and dialogue instead of just talking out your ass for reactions, that he's being an endearing (but aggravating) asshole, who isn't even remotely bothered by the "poor treatment", and instead is seeing it as an acknowledgement of his special talent's prowess. He's acknowledged that his own actions are the cause of Canterlot's treatment of him, and he's proud of it. He's only occasionally annoyed by inconvenience it sometimes puts on the scale of his fun.
tl;dr
Everything you said is wrong, and everyone is dumber for having listened to you. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
(Negative points for failing to get the reference. A cupcake if you did.)
8450463
One can be manipulative by stating the truth, worded properly one can twist the truth into half lies. Like such he did with Twilight a while back.
Not to mention that one could make the vast case that he is infact particularly cruel person in that if he truly cared about such, he wouldn't pick targets that don't fight back. Anytime his code comes into play seems to be whenever he realizes the target could infact cause some massive pain or problems to him and so he picks on people nice enough, or those who can't really deal with him without having issues doing so. I'm betting right now that if Twilight were to stop giving a damn and he realizes that the next time he messes with her she would properly smear him across the wall, he would soon sober up real quick and leave her be. If you are screwing with people simply because you know they won't mess with you, you're a straight up asshole and a bully.
I.. What!? I HAVE had people in my life that act like he does, and I'd prefer to be bored then to deal with some little monster like that again.
8450511
Who he knows tries to be friendly enough, and not make herself seem like a monster. And one who is desperately trying to be good. Both of which would do their levelheaded best to not act out. Easy targets essentially. It also helps when he can manipulate Twilight's guilt.
8450606
Schadenfreude has probably done quite a lot of damage with his pranks. Even simply swapping sugar for salt would have ruined a meal, forcing the kitchen staff to throw it out and prepare another, which besides the wasted (and probably expensive) food, would delay the meal schedule for the castle staff, which in turn would affect several other schedules. Had the meal been served to a foreign ambassador, it could have caused an international incident, and possibly made Equestria a laughingstock.
By mis-arranging books, he wasted time Twilight could have been spending doing something more useful, and as a princess, her time is valuable.
Schadenfreude is not merely a harmless prankster. It would take very little stretching of the situation to call him a saboteur.
8450566
I think a key word there is legally, he wasn't saying "I think I should get paid more", he was saying "legally you should pay me more".
Eating with the princesses makes sense too, they're the whole reason he torments Blue Balls in the first place. Celestia got tired of Blue Balls being a prick, so she got a bigger, harder prick to beat him with experience.
And again, Schaden's treatment of Blue Balls is like a fable, he takes Blue Balls own prickish actions and tortures him with them. He's trying to beat into Blue Balls' head that actions have consequences, and the world doesn't revolve around him just because he's royalty. Blue Balls tries to ignore the rules, so he gets the punishment for breaking the rules, as well as a lecture on rules. He harasses someone, and he's forced to stay away from them. He won't listen to the princesses when they tell him not to be a dick for his own good, so they give him the mom look. If that's not education, if that's not justice, I don't know what is. Its not Schaden's fault Blue Balls isn't learning not to be a dick.
Think about it this way, you can tell a kid a thousand times that the stove is hot, and they'll get burned if they touch it, but until they actually get burned they don't realize what you mean. Up until Schaden, Blue Balls could get away with being such a bad person because he was related to the princesses, and everyone was afraid of standing up to him, so he never learned from his mistakes. Schaden doesn't break the law, and he was appointed by the princesses, so he can actually make Blue Balls realize how much of a dick he is. Considering that Blue Balls is actually breaking the law in some cases, I'd say the punishment is pretty tame.
8450646
But are your claims canon, or are they implications of things that might have happened? Has he made Equestria any more a laughingstock than others already have of their own volition? If you're going to play the reasonable implications game, two can play it. It is just as likely that von Douchehorse has played with Equestria's image in less harmful ways than Blueblood himself, if you want to go that route.
At least the canon questions he asked foreign dignitaries and guards could be mistaken for innocent and inoffensive curiosities. Blueblood is straight-up an arrogant and offensive racist that seems ignorant (or in denial) and unapologetic of his piss poor behavior. When our protagonist crosses a line (often unintentionally), he at least tries to make up for his mistake. He never counterattacked Trixie (direct quote, or it didn't happen), he tried to raise the spirits of Twilight in their first meeting by giving sincere compliments on her work, and he honored Celestia's request to stop awkwardly flirting with her. He even follows the List explicitly (if not in spirit, then in letter).
Blueblood, by contrast, would sooner just wait until he knows he won't suffer immediate consequences for his meanspirited shenanigans, and arrogant actions. By his own words, and of his own free-will, he makes a mockery of the Equestrian Royal Family, which is sure to have created diplomatic incidents (most likely by insulting a foreign dignitary, and possibly his entire race).
tl;dr
Once more, your attempt at misinformation is comparable to Trumps presidential campaign: it didn't fool me, and I'm not impressed.
I would have thought calling them 'chiggers' would be a far greater slight... because those little buggers really itch!
images.emedicinehealth.com/images/emedicinehealth/illustrations/chigger_bites.jpg
And I'll bet you thought it was just a clever way of me getting around the 'N-word' replacing 'n' with 'ch' because 'ch'angelings.
I mean, it was that too... I multi-task with my evil.
8450511
What 8450622 said. Both Twi and Starlight are unlikely to use their vast magical (and in one case political) power on him. Especially not Twilight, who knows Schadenfreude is Celestia's pet jerk and that he was sent to be at her castle by Celestia's authority.
8450682
Well, it's true that Schaden is better at exploiting loopholes. A bit ironic how Schaden himself is only truly punished by beating him bodily XD
8450646
In regards to the Library and the Salt, can you prove, in any fashion, with the canon of the show or this story, that Twilight has literally anything better to be doing? I seem to recall a certain Map Episode where she was near painfully bored, with nothing to do. As a matter of fact, it was a running theme among Map Episodes for quite a while. The only one in her friend group to have expensive taste in food, is Rarity, who wasn't in attendance. So, again, besides wasting spare time, what has he done that he hasn't tried to make for, wasn't a minor inconvenience, or both. In canon, if you please. Produce them for me.