The beginning of the end of the beginning...
"The future is not the past."
Twilight Sparkle was always a kind unicorn. She never wanted to make enemies, or hurt anypony. It simply wasn't in her nature to harm anypony that never meant to be cruel to anyone. She preferred to keep to herself, studying various magics and spells. This trend managed to continue even after her coronation as the princess of friendship. She still locked herself in her library and devoured every piece of literature that was available, including the nutritional facts on all of her cans of soup. Now, with the newest technological explosion in Equestria, computers allowed for even more information to be absorbed.
These devices seem to be the key to learning anything anypony could desire. From learning a new recipe to figuring out that Luna may have never actually went to the moon, these hunks of plastic and metal seemed like the perfect device for the studious princess.
"WHY DO YOU KEEP CRASHING, YOU MOTHER BUCKER!?"
You would be horribly wrong. You see, with the creation of the computer, came the creation of the internet. With the creation of the internet, came the creation of various business and companies that controlled it. These companies created various operating systems for each computer that held various features such as a game store, the ability to snap two windows to the side of your screen allowing for you to interact with both at once, and even the ability to stream Netflix on your computer instantly. These features seemed to spell out the ultimate item for entertainment, information, and convenience.
Except that they don't work.
Now understand this, most ponies seem to have little problems with it, mainly just finding it annoying. However, Twilight Sparkle seem to have gotten one that doesn't bucking work! From constant freezes, to her internet going down and not coming back for hours, her new device seemed determined to make her life a living Tartarus. Not to mention that a notification that Norton's security stopped a 'virus' kept popping up every two seconds!
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO BUY THE FULL VERSION! SHUT UP ABOUT IT!"
She sat in front of her desk, trying to make sense of what the computer wanted so it would finally work! Each time she attempted to use Internet Explorer, it would load slower than Granny Smith attempting to cross the street. She also hated that the start menu looked like a menu for apps that the I-Pony has, which it was. It was started to get ridiculous. EVERY IMPORTANT FEATURE HAD A PAY WALL! From Marecrosoft Office to the 'universal memory drive' it was constantly trying to get to use, it seems like everything wanted to drain her bank account. She didn't even want to upload anything to the Cloud! Issue after issue seemed to arise the more she used it.
Why did she need to pay for Marecrosoft Office to use Word?
Why did the start menu get turned into an app menu?
Why does half of the processing power go to a marketplace that she will never use?
Why is it so cool that she could play X-Box games on her computer?
Why can't she use Windows Media Player to watch a movie and be able to use the desktop?
And why does the INTERNET SUCK SO HARD ON IT!?
"Grrrr! Just work with me for five seconds!" Twilight soon began to bash her head against the keyboard, frustrated that this piece of machinery is making a mockery of her. Soon, however, she received a message on Skype from her brother, Shining Armor, the one who gave her the computer as a gift.
*Hey Twily! How's the gift? :)*
That had calmed her down a bit. Her brother had always put her in a better mood. The two had always stayed close friends through their whole lives and made sure to take care of each other. Now she wasn't going to lie to him, but she could stretch the truth a bit for this situation. What was she going to say? 'This computer sucks and you should feel bad for giving it to me?'
*Great! Wanna Skype? I just got everything hooked up! :3*
*Sure!*
The notification of a call played its annoying theme, indicating that it was at least working this time. When she tested it with Rarity it wouldn't even do that. Hesitantly, she clicked the accept button and waited for it to load.
"Hey, Twilight! How's my favorite little sister doing?" His voice came in clear and perfectly understandable.
"Oh, I'm doing fine!" She was lying through her teeth. Thank Celestia they only chose to do the voice chat and not video. Otherwise he would have seen the sweat pouring down her face and her pinprick pupils.
"That's great. I knew you'd love the computer. You'll probably be on it for days, knowing you." He chuckled at his prediction.
"Y-yeah! Hehehe..." Twilight tried to chuckle along, but the thought of using the thing was quickly becoming a nightmare.
"What was that, Twilight? I couldn't hear you." Oh no...
"I said, 'yeah!'" It better not...
"One more time?" If it did.....
*Could not connect to call.*
*How would you rate your call?*
............
"THAT'S IT! EVERYONE DIES!"
Her anger finally boiled over. Unable to control it anymore, her horn glowed brighter than Celestia's sun, filled with burning hatred towards Marecrosoft and their piece of garbage system! More and more the magic grew within her, surpassing her normal limitations and going well beyond what is thought possible. She didn't care though, she needed sweet vengeance against this wanna be I-Pad. Her fur was beginning to smolder and burn, her eyes glowed an unnatural white, her scowl remaining on her face the entire time.
The energy in her horn soon peaked out to the edge as a small ball of magic, and it was quickly becoming larger, surpassing a softball in less than a minute. More and more her anger grew, how dare this thing make her feel like an idiot! All she wanted to do was Skype her friend! WHY WAS THAT SO HARD!?
The ball soon reached her ceiling, disintegrating it on contact and continuing to do so to the rest of the roof as it continued to grow. The ball now consumed her entire library, books and shelves disintegrating into nothing as her rage built more and more, only increasing as the various books burned into dust. Outside, the various ponies of Ponyville watched as a strange purple ball of energy consumed Twilight's entire library, and continued to grow bigger. It seemed to consume everything in its path, devouring the grass, the rocks, and even any unlucky birds that flew into it.
At this point, the ponies found themselves running away in fear as the ball continued to increase in size, devouring everything in its wake.
~~
The resident future Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash, was doing her trademark stunts in the air as her friend Pinkie Pie watched from the ground. The two seemed to make a ritual out of Dash's showboating and arrogance, but Pinkie just watched out of fun. Dash was cutting through the air with needle-like precision as she preformed every stunt with the utmost perfection. Dash couldn't keep herself from wearing a smug grin as she attempted her final stunt, the Sonic Rainboom. A trick that was, at first, impossible, quickly became her trademark routine. Flying high in the sky, she quickly shot back towards the ground, picking up speed for the next part of the trick. She then slowly adjusted her angle to dive past the ground and build enough inertia to break the sound barrier.
It was all going perfect.... Until she saw the giant ball of death that was eating Ponyville faster than Celestia with a cake.
"PINKIE!" She shouted down to her bubble friend, "Do you see that thing? It's destroying the town!"
"Oh my gosh! Don't you know what this means?" Pinkie gave a comedic gasp as she began to run in circles
, clearly in a panic.
"That all of Equestria might be destroyed by a giant purple ball of death?" Dash wanted to waste no more time on the pink pony's antics, made obvious by her uninterested tone.
"No! I don't have a job anymore!" Pinkie then began to sob wildly.
"No time to cry about that! We gotta go kick that thing's flank!" Dash shot off like a bullet, wanting to beat that thing into submission. However, this didn't work as she was quickly devoured as soon as she reached it, leaving not even a feather.
"Well... that was... dark." Pinkie couldn't help but comment at her friend's demise.
The ball continued to swell and devour everything in its path. Buildings, plants, ponies, even the school house as the ball grew large enough to completely consume Ponyville. Nothing was spared as the orb of death destroyed everything, leaving nothing, it even ate the surface of the planet until it reached the core. It had grown so large that it was visible from Canterlot.
~~~
The two royal sisters merely watched as the orb continued to grow and devour their country, unable to do anything at this point.
"Whelp, We art bucked." Luna was quick to admit defeat to the sphere of hatred.
"Agreed." Celestia wasn't much better.
The two prayed that it would painless as the ball quickly destroyed Canterlot, consuming eveypony in the city. The ball was soon scraping the atmosphere, and soon surpassing it. Nothing was spared as the Dragon Lands, Griffin countries, and even the Frozen North was devoured by the orb. The sphere soon devoured what was left of the core as it swelled further, causing the surface of the planet to begin to crumble. The surface split, revealing molten magma, burning what wasn't already consumed into ashes. The planet was soon completely devoured by the ball of hatred, and still growing. Soon it devoured the moon, and even the sun itself as it started to outgrow its own solar system. However, the only other pony not devoured by the ball of death was Twilight herself. She reside in the center of the orb, watching as it ended her home, slaughtered her friends and family, and destroyed any chance of her every living a normal life again. She didn't care though. Her mind was deep into a rage fueled madness, one that was almost impossible to break out of.
"PERFECT!" Twilight had decided that it was big enough for the next stage of her plan. Within the ball, her computer was also not consumed. No. That would be too easy. She wanted, no, needed it to suffer. Using her telekinesis, she threw the device out of the sphere and into the vast emptiness of space. Then, she teleported out of the ball and onto the opposite side of the computer. Giving a massive kick, that mass of magic begin to follow the computer, and quickly gaining on it.
"BUCK! YOU!" The ball finally reached the computer, exploding on contact. The released energy vaporized everything in the solar system. Planets were wiped away like dust. Meteors crumbled into ashes. Comets melted and boiled. Gas giants were set aflame by the pure heat of the explosion. But it didn't end at the solar system.
Soon, the explosion reached beyond and began to consume the galaxy. Nebulas were disintegrated. Solar systems were wiped off the face of existence. Stars crumbled into dust and particles by sheer power. Countless civilizations on other planets were lost and annihilated by the explosion, leaving not even ruins. Not even black holes were safe as they were ripped from existence by the explosion.
Eventually, the galactic core itself was destroyed by the explosion, causing what was left to scatter into the dark reaches of space. And still, it didn't end.
The explosion began to spread throughout the universe like a wave of destruction. Soon, other galaxies were destroyed by the wave. It was though the creator of the universe itself was wiping away their own creation. The wave continued to spread and annihilate the universe itself, leaving no matter, anti-matter, or even atom standing.
The ever expanding walls of the universe itself were threatened by the explosion. The limits of reality were unable to contain the wave of pure hatred as it soon surpassed even physical law, leaving the universe itself as nothing but a realm of empty darkness.
This was Twilight's prison as she continued to float in the empty wasteland she had created. She didn't care though. The computer was dead, and it was never coming back.
Or so she thought....
She could only see it in the corner of her eye, but she was sure she saw something. Scanning her surroundings, she noticed a faint glow further away. Teleporting her way there, she saw a horrid and cruel message on the still functioning monitor.
"Would you like to purchase Marecrosoft Office?"
"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--!"
The End.
Written for fun/therapy. Trust me. The actual issues I had were FAR worse than this.... 
And, believe it or not, I will accept criticism. This is kinda a practice fic thing. I wanna get better so any advice will be appreciated.
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Crack fic is win fic
Very yes
3893388
When Microsoft goes too far... I shall write a fanfic where a purple pony ends EVERYTHING!
I love the extreme reaction Twilight had to the computer. I also love the over-the-top exaggerations of common Windows errors, which made this story all the more funnier.
I simply love this!
3893414
Kiss for you.
And if you say you were being sarcastic, I will not take it back.
She's not the only one.
Words cannot describe it.
How I don't have a mob of angry villagers breaking my door down right now, I shall never know.
I got my new laptop last summer. The first thing I did was uninstall Windows 8 and install Windows 7. Because Windows 8, while it might be good for tablets, is not for computers. Not to mention how it just blares one-billion annoying internet stuff at you. And... well, everything else wrong with it.
Every other version of Windows -- ME, Vista, 8 -- stinks to high Tartarus.
I'm sure Star Swirl the Bearded anticipated this, back at the dawn of time.
Too little accuracy to qualify as funny.
Also, Windows 8 is the best version of Windows yet because:
...
That and online disk check for the Windows partition.
Could it be better? Yes. But it is not nearly as bad as people claim it is.
Oh Twilight, that is why I love you.
How to Avoid Being Killed By Windows 8
1. Boot up your computer or latop.
2. Sign in and let the menu screen load up.
3. Look in the bottom left and click on "Desktop".
4. Enjoy Windows 7, motherbucker!
3894107
......
I am actually considering it.
Twilight Sparkle REALLY hates Windows 8 2: The Revengeance!
Just so I can have a story with that title.
3894124
Please god, no....
8 is already a cluster fuck. PLEASE, MICROSOFT! JUST GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND MAKE A GOOD OS!
3894149
The terrorist tracker also features the ability to play X-Box on your TV, tablet, computer, and your own anus.
3894202
I used the pony words so I think it'll be alright.
Oh, sweet Celestia, I would hug you so hard if I could get to you right now! I buckin' hate Windows 8 (and now 8.1) so much that you have no idea!
Give me Windows XP any day of the week!!! (Which is what's on my desktop PC downstairs, and what will be staying on it, if I've got anything to say about it!
Sadly, though, Win 8 was what was installed on this laptop when I bought it refurbished off of ebay. I just wish that I could have something other than either one on it. It's Tartarus to figure out, and I usually don't have any trouble with a comp's OS.
Most of the time, I'm okay, but ever now and then, I hit the wrong key or button or something and I wind up having to totally shut this thing down and restart it. Which, if I'm in the middle of something, totally bites.
What I hate even more is that, with 8, the darned "Start" button, that's been in the lower left hand corner of the bottom taskbar, is nonexistent! I was having to shut down manually til I found a site where you can download and install one for free, which I then did. Makes shutting down when I'm done so much easier now.
And keeps my desktop icons where I put them which they didn't when I was having to shut down manually.
And I hate that you have to buy/subscribe to Microsoft Word to keep it now. (I've been getting pop-ups saying that I need to register the key to my current one, or I'll lose it as it is in like 26 days, or so. So I'll probably be downloading a copy of OpenOffice pretty soon, anyway. It's totally free, and has just as many features as Word does.) When I got my first desktop PC way back in July 2001, you didn't have to do that. ('Course...the thing came with a crap-ton of manuals and software, too, so...yeah.)
Before we begin, let me just say that I feel your pain. I got a windows-8 laptop for Christmas and, while I naturally appreciate it, there are times where I've wanted to smash it on one knee and gleefully bathe in its many, many pieces. Bloody windows 8, mate. This story is entirely accurate.
That is the first majorly positive thing about this. It is, at its core, a cry of relief for you and a beacon of sanity for those of us who have been tasked with babysitting out W8 laptops by sociopathic friends/family. It's really, really good just on those grounds… which unfortunately are flimsy grounds that have no real bearing on this critique. I just enjoy the shared anger at Microsoft. It's good to know, amongst the idiocy of the real world, there are still those sane enough to write vent fiction to live vicariously through a character while she does what you wanted to do.
Just think about that. You wrote this to live vicariously through Twilight Sparkle as if she were a self-insertion. That is almost creepy.
Anyways, the first matter of the day is the grammar. It's bad. Like, not really super bad, but up there on the scale of badness where it's notable as the first or second major issue with the story. Yeah, that kind of bad. Glad you understand.
Specifically, it's not THAT bad, but noticeable. Not specific enough? You seem to sometimes forget (or simply not know) the rules of punctuation and capitalization when applied to dialogue. Two quick examples of this.
Obviously, there isn't a lot of dialogue actually in the story, but the little there is gets mauled by vicious typos and a lack of… we'll get to that part next. For now, just know that your capitalization in some areas is solid, but needs work when it comes to the nitty-gritty stuff like dialogue, where the typically common rule of "Capitalize important stuff and the beginning of sentences" suddenly disappears in a puff of pink, noxious smoke that smells slightly of strawberries. There's some simple fixes there. Grammar can easily be mended by simply knowing the intricate rules of it. Also, the ellipses. Dear God, don't use ellipses unless it's in dialogue, and even then use them sparingly and properly. They have their own rules, and I suggest you look them up. Also also, it's more of a personal thing, but there is such thing as over-usage of exclamation marks in narrative. It's like a writer laughing at his own joke.
Secondly and most importantly is the style. It's the major turn-off on this fic and, unfortunately, not as easily mended as the rules of grammar. Style can be ambiguous, vague, indistinct, and depending on how you look at it, slightly sexy. What it isn't is a solid, obvious part of a story that most writers (Or readers, for that matter) recognize as good or bad. Most of the time it follows a simple "gut feeling" of what feels RIGHT, and a skilled writer knows automatically if what he's typing is worthless. While all of this is true, the style of a story can be bad while everyone thinks it's good. It's what a lot of fanfiction suffers from, and writers typically never know any better because readers also lack the capacity to recognize it.
Put in short terms, the style is bad. You have a severe tendency to tell - I'll get to what that actually means in a second - and it is especially relevant in dialogue. Rarely is there a proper "he/she said/exclaimed/whispered" and, instead, there are lines like this:
While I understand what you were trying to get across here, it doesn't work due to the execution. It's boring, droll, and made me want to skim. Never let your readers skim. Skimming is a sign of failure incarnate. Or a lazy reader. Sometimes it's both, but whatever. If it helps, I've always stuck to the idea of punishing skimmers by using a pratchettesque style - most of the time, anyway. Small jokes and witty, carefully crafted narrative can make all the difference when it comes to hooking in readers for the long haul. Perhaps not important for a short story like this, but it's still important.
Other than my list of major concerns, the story itself is pretty by-the-book and not too surprising. "Twilight destroys the universe" is in the description so the surprise that comes with the comedic effect of "And then Twilight freaked out" is gone, and the lack of surprise ruins the comedy. That doesn't mean it's not a solid comedy in itself, though. If it weren't spoiled by the description I would've hailed it as being a brilliant move, which means that in the context of just the story itself, it IS a brilliant move. It's a good story, with a good idea that people can relate to… at least anyone with Windows 8. For a first story, it's a heck of a lot better than most of the drivel some of the so called "experienced" authors on fimfiction can vomit out. If you want to keep doing these, you're on the right track.
and now for the linkparty! Any good critic will have a bunch of helpful links stored in his bookmarks, so that when somebody asks: "Well what IS _____ exactly?" they can hand over the link and reply, "this dude explains it better than I will." This is that part.
#1 This is just in general a helpful tool. It's not perfect, and by no means an actual replacement for an editor, but it's good for overall-views of your writing. It might surprise you when it says the most uncommon word you used most in the story (And in the case of this review) was "story" followed by "bad". Don't let that get you down, though. It has a lot of helpful hints and can spot some last-second errors you/your editor missed. http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/
#2 This is a link to one of the most helpful things I have when it comes to capitalization, which most writers, especially fanfiction ones, struggle with. Consider it your capitalization-bible. http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp
#3 Last and literally the opposite from the least, this short little essay has the answer to the biggest question in all of amateur writing: "What is Showing?" I'm sure you and anyone reading this critique have come across it, scratched your head, and moved on. It's not as amorphous as reviewers and other authors make it out to be when they say: "You need to Show more." The concept is very literal, but what exactly it is happens to be canned in this beautiful, helpful link. http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html
As a last message, good luck with any future endeavors. Since I am a critic representing Ehbpt and critics are apparently restricted to providing understandable answers, it is my duty to provide the following.
Rating: Slightly Below Average. 1/10.
Have a nice day!
3897809
Alright. Thanks for the tips.
I wrote this in one day out of pure annoyance since my laptop decided to ruin my entire day with constant network freezes. But that is beside the point. I kinda had a feeling like my grammar wasn't the greatest, but I saw some mistakes that I had no idea how they got past me.
But thanks for bringing this up!
I'm trying to get better at writing, so stuff like this is highly appreciated!
And you are not able to hear it, but I am squeeing at such a high-pitch that my dog is currently fraking out, since the story wasn't total hippopotamus ass. Yes. I meant to say fraking. BATTLESTAR FOR LIFE!
3898003 np mate. I feel you there. One time I was in the middle of playing D&D over skype and my laptop decided it was time to shut off for updates without warning. By the time I got back I was lucky everyone wasn't killing eachother.
As for everything else: keep on writing, brutha. Nobody improves without knowing what to improve on.
yikes. just, yikes.
3898728
Yikes, as in the story is bad? Or yikes in how far I made Twilight go?
how far you made twilight go. I never thought someone could drive her past the edge of insanity in a story with such a good reason. I commend you for your representation of pure rage.
3900813
I shall take that commendation with pride. People must learn the horrors of Windows 8 before adorkable alicorns end the very universe itself!
10/10.
Would Magic Ball of Death.
3901203
IGN: 10/10 "It's like Skyrim with ponies!"
the power of god is yours twilight.what will you use it for?...YOU DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE YOU MORON!
Windows 8 IS NOT as bad as everyone says it is. I recently got a new tablet with 8 on it and I love it, it just takes some getting used to but after that it's not bad at all. I really can't see why so many people hate it.
3964932
you got a TABLET not a computer it REALY bad on computer. like the story said its a ipad/tablet wanna be.
Dude, I wrote a story EXACTLY like this one. Almost.
Check out "The Elements Of Harmony Get A Firmware Update", by me.
Alright. I'm going to point out ALL the bullshit wrong with this while typing it on my Windows 8 laptop.
1) The internet is fine on it, assuming you are putting your problems into a story, your internet be shit, bud, or you got a defective product. Either or.
2) Metro start menu is better, just takes some getting used to.
3) Processing power goes to store becau.... actually, I agree with this one.
4) I have never had 8 crash once. 7 crashes more than it.
5) Skype has never done that to me. It's always my friend's shit internet that does that.
6) You need to pay for word becau.... this one is obnoxious too.
7) You can't use the desktop while using media player be.... Ok, this one can be avoided. Assuming you're using it to listen to music, just use grooveshark or some other music playing website to use the desktop with it. If you're using it to watch a movie, why the hell would you staring at the desktop listen to a movie?
I must batten down the hatches. Scrubs are going to bombard me with hate for the superior operating system
This is totally how I felt when getting Windows 8. Then I was forced to get used to it since I'm not capable of destroying the universe
5384712
Join the club...