• Member Since 1st Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 10th, 2014

Sugar Song


I am fun like Pinkie Pie, I hard working like Applejack, and I get in your face like Rainbow. Thats why my pony persona is a Unicorn.

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Three friends Jake aka Brave Racer, Lee aka Flare Flicker, and Ray aka Shadow Wolf. They all watch a show called My Little Pony Friendship is Magic but little do they know that world is a real place. They wish to be in this world and they get transported through a portal. There they find their true power and their true home and true friendships in Equestria.

(I also posted this on www.fanfiction.net)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 5 )

Positive point of the story, the words count. And that's all.

The formatting is irregular, half of each chapter is spaced while the other half is a wall of text.
Use this to format the story a little better.

Pony creator cover art, you should avoid it at all cost. Think of it as a " seal of bad story " on this site, because most stories featuring a pony creator cover art are indeed bad.

The various OC. It's a huge NO !
It's just plain wish-fulfillment, their name don't sound like pony name and they're just classical Brony changed into ponies in Equestria : they're bland, don't act like real peoples and don't give a fuck about being in a FICTIONNAL world, in an ALIEN BODY and without a mean to let their friends and familly know they're alright.
They don't struggle at all, they already know how to talk, walk or fly.
They meet the main cast immediatly, no one question their motives, they're insta-friends.

And the worst, you TELL and don't show what happen, it's really bland and boring to read, because it's like :
- Random OC 1 say " Nice weather "
- Random OC 2 say " Yeah really nice "
- RD say " Yeah I'm awesome "
- Random OC 3 say " Yeah "
Seriously, it's not appealing at all.

first!

shows promise but tuns of typos

hey! the story has potential so F*** off i liked it except all the typos!

yes i liked it so continue to make more please it is a good read:pinkiesad2:

any ways despite what that dushbag says, when is the next one coming out:rainbowkiss:

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