Ending
In hopes that they would find their dying friend, the remaining mares trotted to the back room of the laboratory.
"It's...really dark in here...” Fluttershy squeaked.
"I'll light my horn." Twilight said, shining light in the room. What they saw made them regret Twilight ever lit her horn. There was cart full of bloody knives, with a bloody chainsaw. There was blood everywhere, flowing into a drainage pipe.
"What the buck is this?" Rainbow Dash asked nervously.
"Er... Research?" Twilight said sheepishly with a faked smile on her face.
Rainbow Dash gave her a stern glance of disapproval.
"You have a factory used to turn forgotten pegasi children into rainbows," Twilight said. “I’d say you have no room to speak.” Twilight stopped for a moment. “Aren’t you supposed to be there forever, like live there?”
“VIP permissions Twi.” Rainbow said proudly.
“Should we be referencing this?” Twilight asked.
“Why did the editor even put this in here?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Because I felt like it.” I said.
“What was that?” Dash asked.
"Girls settle down!" Rarity said. “You’re driving yourselves mad...and me too...”
Within the chaos the mares didn't notice that Fluttershy was grabbed and all that was left was a puddle of blood.
"Help me!" Fluttershy squeaked before she was dragged into the darkness.
"Fluttershy?" Rarity said. She looked around, when she looked down she shouted, “Girls...Shy is gone!"
"Where did she go?" Applejack asked. She stepped in the blood.
“Ehh...” Applejack said. “it’s so hard to get blood of mah dang coat!” Applejack looked at the others. They stared back oddly. “Not that ah would know...” She added.
"We need to get out." Twilight said. “We need to get out now.”
~~~
Shy woke up, blood stains running down her head from a brutal blow to the head. She looked around, darkness. “Where am I...?”
"Your finally awake..."
Fluttershy gasped and felt tears coming through her eyes.
“Why are you crying...my little pony? Did the magic of friendship not save you or your friends today?” Fluttershy recognized this voice.
"Discord..." Fluttershy said.
"Yes! I don't kill you instantly because I wanted to have a little 'fun' with you" Discord said, he hovered his head over her with an evil grin on his face.
"How did you get out?!” Fluttershy asked panically.
"Remember that book your egghead friend opened?” Discord said. He started laughing. “Well that was the book that I hid before I was turned to stone the second time. It was made to release a spell to turn me evil if I was reformed, and to trap you all in here so I could get my revenge!” He laughed more as he walked closer to Fluttershy.
"You can’t get away with this Discord!" Fluttershy shouted.
“Watch me...” Discord said. He didn’t have anything gag to put in her mouth to make her shut up, so he decided to do it the easy way. He picked up a smaller knife and cut out her tongue. Shy let out a moan of pain as the blood ran down her throat.
"My little pony..." Discord said laughing, “you must learn when to keep quiet!”
Fluttershy wanted to scream...she wanted to so bad, so much anger was stored inside...she could barely believe she was the element of kindness anymore. Tears rolled down her face as she accepted her fate.
Discord took out a hacksaw. "You won't be needing those...wings” He said. "it’s not like you can use them anyway, I mean think back to how bad you were trying to make a tornado with the pegasi, Twilight had to keep quiet, just so you wouldn’t start crying!" He discarded the wings. “Okay, okay I’ll be nice to you then.” Discord said, cutting her throat with his talon.
"Now, where am I going to put this one?" Discord said to himself joyfully.
~~~
Twilight and Rarity tried once more to open the door leading out. Every once in a while, it would run through their heads, ‘why doesn’t everypony else know about this?’ it started to mess with what was left of their minds.
"Darling I hate to say it..." Rarity said. “but we are eventually going to die from either starvation, or whatever that sick maniac is planning for us.” They looked at each other, when suddenly the door to the basement flew open and Fluttershy's mangled corpse was thrown in and the door closed
"Fluttershy!" The mares screamed
She was still
Then laughter was heard
"Discord" they both said
"Yes my little ponies you finally figured it out!" "Congratulations" and confetti fell from the ceiling
Then Twilight heard a thump and and Rarity was thrown to the wall instantly dead due to a broken neck
Twilight was picked up
"You won't get away with this"
"Haha that was exactly what your friends said"
And then Twilight was brought down to the ground hard and died
The End?
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..........this story just sucks. forced, bad characterization, just kills for a weak attempt for drama than motivation, rushed in writitn.g........... shakes head.
Hello there, mate! You do not know me, and I do not know you, but I think I can be a great deal of help to you!
You see, writing is a process that takes effort, and at least, several hours of work to produce in an average way. I suppose this is either your first story, or one of the first.
Now, do not take this the wrong way, but you need to work on this a little more if you want it to be any good. Firstly, there are multiple grammatical, spelling, and narrative errors on your story.
Also, it is way too short. I understand that you may have wanted a short story, but this is far too short. Too much, and it really fails to deliver the amount of description, setting, mood, and characterization needed to make a good story.
I believe you tried to do a horror type of story, right? Well, you need a lot of description to manage such things! Simply stating that it happened doesn't cut it. You need to make the reader believe that he is in the scene.
I can help you here, but only if you want to help yourself. I am willing to be your editor.
wat
>edgefag taking grimdark for canon
dude, fuck
did you not see all the shit where Discord was reformed
all the episodes since then
are you legitimately brain damaged
verdict: 0/10 you shouldn't have even bothered trying
3879518
3879189
3878943
3879498
Y'all are fagets. Regicunt, offer some constructive criticism with examples instead of just calling it shit, unless you want to stop whoever wrote this from even trying that is. Then by all means carry on surfing across that ocean of children's tears and self-masturbatory fluids.
Everyone else carry on being autistic with literacy, great job.
This is my first story I'm sorry it sucks but I tried and I wrote this at night so I was tired and wasn't paying attention I'll try harder on my next story
3879823
There's your problem. (Almost) Everything about this sentence.
1) If you know it sucks, why did you post it?
2) I write at night too, but that doesn't excuse low quality. You have to edit something multiple times before it becomes good enough to post.
3) If you're tired but want to keep writing, then edit it later. You know, when you aren't tired.
4) How weren't you paying attention? Honestly?
5) Learn some grammar.
Good luck.
3879747 Uh. I'm offering to be his editor? Dude, I don't think you read my comment.
3880125
You didn't read mine either.
I was bashing regidar for being a cunt, and also randomly insulting everyone else just because I can, no particular reason.
3880168
3879855
Because how else would he get better if he never posted anything for review?
good advice.
You are being obnoxious, staph.
Good advice. but you're still a faget. Stop treating the author like an arrogant twat, they've said they'll try to do better, so there's no need to be rude.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/011/869/internet_white_knight_colored_4350.jpg
My work here is done.
Still haven't read the story
3879823 piclair.com/data/2x2ih.jpg
This story was so great it made me sing.
One thing you got was lots of feed back, it sucks but it's good to get better. You should have seen my first story....it was....I think Discord hacked my PC.
3879747 gr8 b8 m8
3881362
nu
Wat no reaction image?
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/586/783/831.gif
I'm sorry for the lack of care I put in the first time but my friend edited the fist chapter for me so expect better
3882604 Right, and this guy wasn't a "perfect" driver.
img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2011/specials/yearend/tributes/ryan-dunn-435.jpg
3882604 no
but most people know where to put fucking periods and commas in their stories
3884642 No, cloppers put THOSE kind of periods and commas. Besides that I see your point.
Most people. Most people, could possibly mean....More experienced people. A first Fanfiction/story/whatever the buck, is not going to have exact periods and commas in the right place. So stop wasting your time to put in a douche-bag comment on every chapter, and make a use of yourself!
3882840 I see
3886124 >110 stories
>Calling me useless
keep digging
besides, a "first writer" shouldn't try writing until they learn to put COMMAS in multiple subject sentences and PERIODS at the end of sentences; this is shit you learn in 5th grade. Before that, even!
3887281 I'll dig deeper, writing stories is entertainment...somewhat useful, but not my intentions. Make yourself useful as in: Instead of writing a comment full of crap that discourages the writer and prevents them from going forward, why don't you provide constructive criticism, and tell them what they did wrong and how to improve it.
And if a 'first writer,' want's to do a first story and don't do so well, that's just a start to becoming something greater. My first story was crap. I deleted it and did something new, and it was much more brilliant. The problem with this story is just that it only contained the idea, lacked description, punctuation, and grammar, but that can be fixed. Writing a first story, tells what you improve on for the next story. So don't be some idiot that sprays useless comments on 'first writer stories,' just to make them feel like they have no place in this site, because if they didn't, the site wouldn't have been available to them.
Finished editing :D
Just republished the last chapter
3890607 May I also recommend a new description?
Sure
Sure
3891351 Kay
"It's a normal day in Ponyville, and Twilight is looking through her books. She finds an odd book, and upon opening it, she blacks out. At first all seems fine, but she has yet to discover what madness she unleashed."
Hows dat?
Good I'll replace in a sec