It's a normal day in Ponyville, and Twilight is looking through her books. She finds an odd book, and upon opening it, she blacks out. At first all seems fine, but she has yet to discover what madness she unleashed.
Chapters (4)
DerpyHooves7439
Joined 20th Jan, 2014 ·
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..........this story just sucks. forced, bad characterization, just kills for a weak attempt for drama than motivation, rushed in writitn.g........... shakes head.
Hello there, mate! You do not know me, and I do not know you, but I think I can be a great deal of help to you!
You see, writing is a process that takes effort, and at least, several hours of work to produce in an average way. I suppose this is either your first story, or one of the first.
Now, do not take this the wrong way, but you need to work on this a little more if you want it to be any good. Firstly, there are multiple grammatical, spelling, and narrative errors on your story.
Also, it is way too short. I understand that you may have wanted a short story, but this is far too short. Too much, and it really fails to deliver the amount of description, setting, mood, and characterization needed to make a good story.
I believe you tried to do a horror type of story, right? Well, you need a lot of description to manage such things! Simply stating that it happened doesn't cut it. You need to make the reader believe that he is in the scene.
I can help you here, but only if you want to help yourself. I am willing to be your editor.
wat
oh god what the fuck
do you even know how to punctuate?
I don't even
what
what the fuck is this
oh damn, those are my favorite
the fuck even
I just hate it when the years get caught in my eyes, don't you?
>edgefag taking grimdark for canon
dude, fuck
did you not see all the shit where Discord was reformed
all the episodes since then
are you legitimately brain damaged
verdict: 0/10 you shouldn't have even bothered trying
3879518
3879189
3878943
3879498
Y'all are fagets. Regicunt, offer some constructive criticism with examples instead of just calling it shit, unless you want to stop whoever wrote this from even trying that is. Then by all means carry on surfing across that ocean of children's tears and self-masturbatory fluids.
Everyone else carry on being autistic with literacy, great job.
I just fixed the type-o sorry
This is my first story I'm sorry it sucks but I tried and I wrote this at night so I was tired and wasn't paying attention I'll try harder on my next story
3879823
There's your problem. (Almost) Everything about this sentence.
1) If you know it sucks, why did you post it?
2) I write at night too, but that doesn't excuse low quality. You have to edit something multiple times before it becomes good enough to post.
3) If you're tired but want to keep writing, then edit it later. You know, when you aren't tired.
4) How weren't you paying attention? Honestly?
5) Learn some grammar.
Good luck.
3879747 Uh. I'm offering to be his editor? Dude, I don't think you read my comment.
3880125
You didn't read mine either.
I was bashing regidar for being a cunt, and also randomly insulting everyone else just because I can, no particular reason.
3880168
3879855
Because how else would he get better if he never posted anything for review?
good advice.
You are being obnoxious, staph.
Good advice. but you're still a faget. Stop treating the author like an arrogant twat, they've said they'll try to do better, so there's no need to be rude.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/011/869/internet_white_knight_colored_4350.jpg
My work here is done.
Still haven't read the story
3879823 piclair.com/data/2x2ih.jpg
This story was so great it made me sing.
There were some errors, but they can be easily fixed.
i.e. Instead of 'what in Celestia,' put 'what in Equestria. And look hard for typographical errors.
Same as last time, more description could be added, the story is a bit fast-paced. Take it slowly and when you put gore in...
Make it gory.
Describe the stab wounds, describe the mutilated corpse.
But one thing is you keep saying 'mare 6' its 'mane 6,' like Main u kno?
One thing you got was lots of feed back, it sucks but it's good to get better. You should have seen my first story....it was....I think Discord hacked my PC.
3879747 gr8 b8 m8
3881362
nu
Wat no reaction image?
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/586/783/831.gif
I'm sorry for the lack of care I put in the first time but my friend edited the fist chapter for me so expect better
3879498 No one's perfect douchebag.
3882604 Right, and this guy wasn't a "perfect" driver.
img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2011/specials/yearend/tributes/ryan-dunn-435.jpg
3882604 no
but most people know where to put fucking periods and commas in their stories
3884642 No, cloppers put THOSE kind of periods and commas. Besides that I see your point.
Most people. Most people, could possibly mean....More experienced people. A first Fanfiction/story/whatever the buck, is not going to have exact periods and commas in the right place. So stop wasting your time to put in a douche-bag comment on every chapter, and make a use of yourself!
3882840 I see
I'll edit this chapter soon, my friend wants me to join him in TF2
3886124 >110 stories
>Calling me useless
keep digging
besides, a "first writer" shouldn't try writing until they learn to put COMMAS in multiple subject sentences and PERIODS at the end of sentences; this is shit you learn in 5th grade. Before that, even!
3887281 I'll dig deeper, writing stories is entertainment...somewhat useful, but not my intentions. Make yourself useful as in: Instead of writing a comment full of crap that discourages the writer and prevents them from going forward, why don't you provide constructive criticism, and tell them what they did wrong and how to improve it.
And if a 'first writer,' want's to do a first story and don't do so well, that's just a start to becoming something greater. My first story was crap. I deleted it and did something new, and it was much more brilliant. The problem with this story is just that it only contained the idea, lacked description, punctuation, and grammar, but that can be fixed. Writing a first story, tells what you improve on for the next story. So don't be some idiot that sprays useless comments on 'first writer stories,' just to make them feel like they have no place in this site, because if they didn't, the site wouldn't have been available to them.
Finished editing :D
Just republished the last chapter
3890607 May I also recommend a new description?
Sure
Sure
3891351 Kay
"It's a normal day in Ponyville, and Twilight is looking through her books. She finds an odd book, and upon opening it, she blacks out. At first all seems fine, but she has yet to discover what madness she unleashed."
Hows dat?
Good I'll replace in a sec