Im_Best_Pony
Joined 10th Dec, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Very rushed and is this anthro? Because jetstream has hands...
l.wigflip.com/IGKFrnXM/roflbot.jpg
I LOVE IT, GREAT JOB,
SIMPLE, SWEET, AND VERY ENTICING,
5/5 STARS!!!!!!!
This should be a comedy
Must add a comment to this blank section...
Good story btw
I think it's really rushed. Slow down some of the pacing, especially during the sex scene.
3855404 lol agreed. when i proofread I just sat there like...
why is this happening so fast. I got to look up some tips on how to make it last 
. Btw, I appreciate the criticism.
3854974 Just because of the last line. Maybe. Or are you just making fun of how bad of a writer I am?
3853506 I would like my readers to be able to imagine as they will. That being said, you can decide. But it isn't intended to be anthro. I'll be sure to change that, thx.
3855532
Welp, from the quotes I saw, you could certainly work on your grammar.
Also... I wouldn't really reference other stories without having an understanding of the possible consequences. You do know the Rainbow Factory is an entirely illicit and murderous campaign to uphold the pride and perfection of the pegasus race, right?
So... why would anyone know about it? Considering no one IN the Rainbow Factory (well, the kids anyway) knew what was gonna happen. They all thought they'd work there for the rest of their lives.
Also, it looks like Scootaloo's muzzle is going through Rumble's cheek in the cover picture...
3855663 Like it said in the story, the Rainbow Factory is a Ponies Tale. Like the boogieman. It was a cruel insult that I wanted to heat up the readers with. I never intended it to be 100% serious. It was just a little reference I popped in there. And if you could be more specific with the quotes, that would be appreciated or else it will just likely keep happening without me knowing. Thx
3855705
The quotes I was referring to are specifically the ones that popped up in the comments here. Capital letters, pronouns, proper placement of commas, etc.
"Hey! Look at me, I'm Steel and I'm talking! I'm making proper use of commas, exclamation marks and periods to mark out emphasis and regular speech. Commas mark pauses so I can breathe without going on a huge run-on sentence like this and keep on talking and talking and eventually—" He clutches his chest as he can't keep talking anymore, panting harshly. He stands up a little straighter after his near-heart attack passes, feeling his lungs relax. "Hoo... pass out. Ahem."
DEFEATED NOW, BITCH!
Celestia, that last line i broke there
3855831 Well I find that I use commas more than normal. And also there are no comments of quotes, but I appreciate your help.
I'm not gonna lie... I didn't enjoy this to much. The first 2 chapters were great but.... The way you introduced the clop part... Wasn't so good in my opinion but I need to ask... "DEFEATED NOW, BITCH?!!!!" is a Pokeawesome 2 quote isn't it? and i just noticed the notes at the end LEL
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
jet is gay?!?!?!!? and he's crushing on rumble?!?!?!?!?!?.
3853511
3853784
3855977
How exactly did you miss the two above comments?
3855537 I wasn't making fun of it.
3856356
yep. the clop was supposed to be a bit funny. 
all in order to ruin jet. I have another story with serious clop scene intended. so stay tuned. 
3856481 I don't think silver's comment has anywhere to add punctuation. I could have made that into 2 sentences but then it would be chopped up. The other one was intended to have a comma. gonna fix that
3856634
Understandably missed, but still necessary.
I so want to interject into this story line an kick two flanks straight I pony hell( or Taurus whatever the fuck celestia is calling it these days). But I'll just read on for now.
Kick him in the face. kick him in the face.
Hmm?
Oh nothing, I wasn't talking to rumble telepathically.
I'm also not that violent voice in you head that always tells you to hurt the bitches that make fun of you.
3857529 Do you do or know anyone who does proofing? I have a story in he works and want to make sure it's tip tops before it gets sent out. I would find someone myself but I do not know where to look
The friends I know who do editing and proofreading have stories they're already doing, and I've got work to worry about, sorry.
There are groups who do proofreading, however.
Looking For Editors
The Writer's Group
Authors Helping Authors
Just to name a few.
I could proofread if you still need it...
me 2
I enjoyed that ending dialogue.