The New Dragon Empire

by Steel Claw

Slave

Slave

Okay I can finally hear voices I can barely hear them. One who I think was the leader was saying, " wake up that hybrid dragon!" Wait are they talking about me?

One of the other dogs I think replied "He is sleeping, and I think he has a unicorn horn!"

The third dog now I'm shore of it stated "I'll wake him up with water!"

Right after they said that I stood up and began to struggle. The Alfa looked surprised that I stood up on my hind legs there was about 10 dogs holding me down. I looked really mad. I intimated the dogs where flipping scared. I looked at the Alfa and I yelled "I'll kill you do you know that right!"

"No you won't!" The dumb Alfa exclaimed

"When I kill you I will be Alfa you dummy! I screamed.

"Lock him up!" He said with malice

"No you won't!" I yelled as I was being dragged I smacked a dog into a wall and killed him. What shocked me is he made no sound at all! Then some of the dogs ran away if fear and where replaced by more dogs. They locked me in a cell with 4 other dogs that looked scared as hell. When I said "Don't be scared I hate the dam Alfa and I don't want to kill you guys!"

They relaxed as I said that and one said "welcome to the slave pen! By the way what is your name?"

I replied "My name is Greg what are your guys names, and where am I?"

The dog that talked to me before said, "My name is Grok and his is Torok and those guys names are Toran and the other Shon they are twins, and were in the warren of the south we have the twin Alfas."

"What do you mean when you said twin Alfas?" I asked.

" I meant that they are actually twins that wanted to share the power so they divided it in half the north and the south and the slaves are in the middle." Torok said.

"So what about a slave riot?" I asked

"Are you crazy man? That's nuts!" They all yelled exempt for Shon. (I think he is silent.)

" What I'm not nuts I'm logical in a way because I'm a extremely smart black dragon hybrid with a white unicorn I think!" I state, So I think we can do this! Here is the plan..."

---

After I explained the plan we had to alert the other slaves. At night I snuck into the other slave pens and told them the plan. In the morning before breakfast the slaves that I told the plan to all said "All the slaves know about tomorrow night."

"Good so let budder the slave keepers so they don't expect a brake out." I whisper. My breakfast was about 16 small gems well the diamond dogs got 4 small gems I saved about 7 gems for lunch (sprising they tasted like fruit). The mine work was extremely hard some of the gems I ate without them looking and I gave some to the dogs that where working neer me. So the flipping day ended and it was time to talk. Then I pulled out all 31 gems I had hidden and we ate. "So in 24 hours we will be out in the northern badlands!" I whisper to my comrads (100 geek points if you know what that is from).

Some of the slaves where ushely violent but today they where peaceful so they probely won't expect a brake out. I was not trying to hert enyone today. "So it was a god day I expect."

"Yes it was!" Torok said in agreement.

" Keep it up for another day intel diiner okay guys!" I state

Author's Note:

I'm writing this on my iPad so it's going to take a while for each chapter so bare with me.
Also I need a cover art I will be accepting it when I release 5th chapter!
-Steel Claw

Comments

[Blackguard]

That description...

i.imgur.com/TAt1M6N.gif

[The Orthodox Priesthood]

>"Alfas"
Da comrade, show those dirty capitalists where they can shove their dirty western spelling!

This all hurt my face to read.
It was like sprinting through at least a five thousand word intro, in just a few minutes and almost as few words.

[Ampathy-Engine]

...*sigh*
Either English its not your first language..
Or you really need to re-read your stuff.

First off, a bad concept can be done good if executed properly. This was a bad concept and a bad execution.

You feel into all the traps of a bad fimfiction:
Meeting main six
Bullied before going
Being a weird hybrid
Being human.
Ect...

You have details that don't need to be there, Like the kendo.
You have potholes, like who the f is the cafe guy.
You have author commentary during the story.
Your characters have no depth.
Your protagonist is pretensions by wanting to be a dragon pony hybrid.
The only likeable character was the cafe guy.
You have contradictions with not wanting to hurt the dogs, yet one dies by his hands.
The protagonist knocks out 8 with a broken leg and crutches.

You have paragraph structure errors.
Tense errors
Grammar errors
Spelling errors
Your splitting words that don't need to be split : bar tender instead of bartender.
And finally..
You messed up both of your descriptions.

For everyone's sake, read this:
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide

Read it, read it again, memorize it, treasure it, whatever.

[FicusCat]

Ampathy-Engine said it all.

[Elric of Melnipony]

Score: 1 out of 10.

[Dropbear]

3785221

To be fair, having a human does not a bad fic make. However having almost every cliche in the book (Dear God, the hybrids!) is not. There are good HIE fics out there and to be honest this fic is not a shining example of a decent one. Spelling is probably the biggest thing for me, finding an editor is not difficult on this site, there are many good people willing to help. Also the writing guide provided under the 'FAQ' section of the site is a great referance.

PS: I totally don't write HIE fics so I have no bais at all. None.

[Ampathy-Engine]

3785277
I have also read good HIE.
I probably should have said writing humans without experience.

[Dropbear]

3785296

Eh, it seems like all you have to do is make them insane and have them fling out puns as they kill things. Having character helps though, when your MC has about as much appeal and development as a cardboard cut out then you have a problem.

This fic is a perfect example of this, I feel no connection to the characters and that loses readers.

[Ampathy-Engine]

3785324
Duke Nukem in Equestria would be a good story. Duke has character.

The only character I can honesty remember it's the clerk of the cafe. Only cause a kid comes in covered in tomatoes and he's like: "Wanna go to Equestria?"

[Dropbear]

3785336

Duke Nukem got ruined, I'm sorry but I can't look at him without remembering... that abomination.

[Ampathy-Engine]

3785345
global3.memecdn.com/dukenukem-forever_o_494535.jpg

[Dropbear]

3785368

Yeah... the local game shop was happy to let me return my pre-ordered special edition. The PC verson which they could not re-sell. The game was that bad that when the manager played it (he was a cool guy, great LAN party thrower) he actually called everyone he knew up andoffered to refund the copies he sold to them. That is how bad that game was. luckily i have all of the old (Read: good) games saved to my hard-drive. They helped take away the bitter taste.

[Ampathy-Engine]

3785380
Lol, wash away the burn.

[Steel Claw]

3785221
some of the things that I wrote are important
AND I'M DISLEXIC
*spoiler alert*
he uses duel blades made out of his own scales as his main sores of weaponry!

[Ampathy-Engine]

3786938
Ok, you're dyslexic that covers the spelling and grammar errors, not the paragraph structure errors.
Get an editor if possible.

This also does not solve that your characters are lacking.
Your protagonist shows no interest in dragons, not even a background nod to him liking dragons, but wants to be a pony dragon hybrid.
Something as simple as a dragon poster in his room would be good.

The diamond dog thing is actually interesting, some are used as slaves and protag is gonna free them in a riot.
The thing is, you killed one with one swipe when you got there, I would assume they would try to run our kill the protag after that, not continue to drag him.

[Armalite]

I can't even bring myself to.

[dudebroofbroes]

Seeing that this is your only story, I will assume it is your first. And that saves you from my COMPLETE wrath.
HOWEVER! Seriously, dude. This isn't very good. Sorry, but it's true!
Mainly, under developed cliches. I won't say overused because that would be redundant. Basically, you are REALLY playing this by the book in a bad way. Meet Main Six, be bullied, show up as a hybrid (WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!?), kick ass when he could have with the bullies, kill something with little consequence. Recommendation, PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE! Develop your characters more, flaws and all that good shit. Get an editor who will make sure that your grammar doesn't look like someone wiped shitty underwear on a rhino's ass!
Also, make hard choices for the story. Do you NEED the hybrid thing? Or do you WANT it? Do you NEED the main six in this? Or do you WANT it? Cut the fat. Simmer it on a medium heat for about half an hour. Add bacon. And you have about the greatest lunch story of all time.

[Bwaak]

I stumbled into this thing and I can't just even....

BAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAHAH

[Steel Claw]

4784535
Agreed I hate this thing

[treegrowth]

4788649 actually, I think this could work, a man (somehow) turns into a Dragon-Pony hybrid.
The writing is terrible, yes, and there are several clichés that needs work on.
However, that dose not mean that the idea must die, it just needs a rewrite pretty badly.
Some well placed words here and there, some sort of expiation for whatever you have in mind (even magic), character development is a must, anything else only is limited by your grammar and your imagination.

Just so you know, no author is perfect; why, my favorite author, Erin Hunter of the Warrior series, has so many mistakes in her writing, I would be rich if I got a dollar for every time I saw one.

if you really don't want to remake this book then that is fine, I just hope that you will learn form you mistakes and move on.