A Slice of Pie

totallynotabrony #1 · Mar 15th, 2012 · · ·

One of my favorite of London's short stories. I felt that you could have explained things a little more, but overall thumbs up.

Magicolt808

Magicolt808 #2 · Mar 15th, 2012 · · ·

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327612Thanks! It's one of my favorites as well and i felt kind of disheartened because I couldn't crossover well and I didn't capture points that I wanted to cover. Thanks for liking the story though.

Fluttrick

Fluttrick #3 · Mar 15th, 2012 · · ·

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327619 You never dissapoint! AND GAH THAT WAS SO SAD! Why you always make me tear with your short fictions. AND SEQUEL!!!! PLZ!!!

Fluttrick

Fluttrick #4 · Mar 16th, 2012 · · ·

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The only grammar errors are Applejacks, is supposed to be Applejack's and hand is hoof. Ponies don't have hands silly!

Dezmo

Dezmo #5 · Mar 16th, 2012 · · ·

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Ok! lets do this!

First thing in noticed is this..
"Those were the days, the heyday of her career."
I think it would have been best to put it as hayday.

And this...
"Big Macintosh sat back in his chair and watched as his little sister ate her meal."
Would have made more sense if it was eat.

Next is this touching scene here...
"As they said their goodbyes, they hugged, which has never happened before a fight. Applejack pulled away in surprise but accepted it as she prepared to walk the two miles to the arena."
I think you meant to write it as Big Mac hugged Apple Jack since she was not expecting it, but i read it as they both initiated in the hug. Perhaps you could have re-worded it like this...
"As they said their goodbyes, Big Mac suddenly hugged Applejack catching her off guard. They had never hugged before a fight. Applejack pulled away in surprise but accepted it as she prepared to walk the two miles to the arena."

"He was coming from Marizona and had quite a record to back him up." (I see what you did there, and i approve)

"This would tire Youth but only in the long run. Every round began with Applejack advancing the shorter distance, and ended with her in her own corner. " I am not sure if this was your idea or if it was just being copied but either way that one line was pretty epic to say the least.

"She tried to block it, but it felt as though her hoof was tied down to her side. Unable to lift her hoof to block, Slydel’s hoof contacted Applejacks face, and a black veil dropped in front of her vision." Just a minor error here.

"As she walked, she could only think of her brother and younger sister. The news she needed to break to them was harsher than any blow she could receive, Half way home, she stumbles across a grassy knoll on which she rests her injured hooves. As she looked up at the night sky, she cried. Now she knows how Stallion Bill felt all those years ago. Poor Stallion Bill." I love how you foreshadowed about Stallion Bill at the start of your story and had him 'reappear' at the end.

Ok now onto the story itself. Curse you. I came here expecting an awesome fight (which i got) but instead of a happy ending i was hoping for i got a sad one. Now I admit you have a great skill at writing sad stories but i can only take so much.

The start of the story was fine. Nothing dramatic (albeit the hug) and it started off with a simple background information. The part about the depression was expertly written about as i was able to visualize it. The fight itself was actually pretty good. I was able to picture everything in my head as i read the fight. The idea of having Applejack play defensively fit well with her character and the first punch she pulled off got me to smile when i read it. But as the fight neared the end you got my hopes up when she was winning. The way you were writing i could have sworn she was going to win and ill admit you fooled me into thinking she was. Until her age got to her and she started to slow down. This actually caught me off guard, yet, i kinda liked it in a bitter-sweet way. It made sense it was time for her reign to end and yet i was so sad. The way you pulled it off by describing her arms as lead and how she even knew that the punches were coming yet she did not have the strength to protect herself was great. After the fight on the way home i couldn't help but give out a little whine from sadness. I am absolutely sure if i read a series about Applejack going from a no-pony, to a star, then to lose this fight i would have cried. The feeling i got at the end is best described as skipping the whole first part of a sad book only to read the last sad page. Sure it was sad, but it started off sad, and it ended sad. If you started this off with her and everyone in a happy mood then this ending would have been tremendously sadder knowing she failed her family.
You cant enjoy the good in life without knowing whats bad in it.

Bravo and encore! You pulled off the fight scene with great writing and the end was simply heart-breaking. But alas i couldn't just get in character with Applejack since this was such a short story.

Fluttrick

Fluttrick #6 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

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Jack London...good taste in literature sir. Oh this is Fluttrick's brother just too lazy to log into my own account

Magicolt808

Magicolt808 #7 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

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362296 well im glad we share a common taste in writing. I dont know if your brother told yo but i was actually asking about you. I just want to know how old you are and what you thought about my stories.

Fluttrick

Fluttrick #8 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

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362333 Hey it's Fluttrick again! Not my older brother, and he is 14 years old and he said that he liked your story and it was written just how Jack London would have, it reminded him of one of his books. Maybe you should send him a private message, his user is Autumn Gale.

FoxfanMLP22