It's Twilight Sparkle's last day to interview Pinkie Pie on her baking techniques, but she gets an odd request in return. This is her magnificent quest to find a pickle!
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- Member Since 16th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen May 27th, 2019
GraceFu
Meh, Bah, and Hrr went on a holiday.
GraceFu
Joined 16th Jan, 2013 ·
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Hey there! I'm FloydienSlip, and I'm here to give you your WRITE review. This story is much shorter than those I'm used to working with, so the review, by association, is going to be much shorter than those I tend to write, so you have my apologies if certain things are generalized. Let's get started!
First things first: the tags. To be honest, I don't think of either of them fit. "Random" would probably be more suited to the kind of story you have here.
I'm going to be blunt here. This honestly reads like a trollfic. There's no explanation as to why Pinkie wants a pickle, why Twilight has never heard of one (or a cucumber, for that matter), or what the hell actually happens it at the end. The premise of the story itself is silly, and while silly can be good, it's not at all what I was expecting from the story.
Your style is very telly. You tell the reader what happens, and while you do partially make up for it with Twilight's thoughts, it's not enough for a solid narrative. One of the things you could have done, for example, was describe Twilight's walk back to Sugarcube Corner, instead of throwing the entire trip into one small sentence. Describe Twilight's thoughts. What's happening with the pickle? How does she feel about it? The other thing is that the story feel incomplete. The last line makes no sense at all, and we're not given a resolution, not even a vague one.
A couple more things to talk about here. First, don't link another story in the middle of your story. Self-promotion will get you nowhere, not to mention the green text is incredibly distracting and not actually relevant to the story at all. It's also considered good form to write out numbers less than one hundred. One thing that helps this story is your mechanics. Your grammar and spelling were actually pretty decent, despite there being several comma errors. So, good job!
In summary: change your tags to just "Random." Give the reader some explanation as to what's happening in the story. Try and go into more detail with scenes and immediate actions of the characters.
Continue to write, and you will improve.
- FloydienSlip, WRITE’s analytical audiophile