After hundreds of casualties trying to stop Nightmare moon, a team rises, ready to give everything, even their lives, to stop her.
Edited by TheInvincibleIronBrony
Chapters (5)
applejackreturns
Joined 27th Nov, 2013 ·
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It's off to a pretty good start, but it feels a bit more like a narration than a story. Breaking up the dialogue chains with more actions and the thoughts of characters would fix the problem wonderfully.
This is a pretty cool premise for a story and I can't wait to see how it develops.
3691424 Well, it's my very first story, but thanks for your suggestion, but what dialogue chains are you talking about, could you point out? So next time I don't make the same mistake.
Also, I made this part in one day, so maybe i should take my time to polish the story and make it longer.
3691493 The whole first couple of paragraphs are pretty much Applejack summarizing the story. For example, you said:
There is nothing wrong with that per se, but it could be improved by saying something along the lines of:
I don't know if you've ever heard of Equestria Daily, but they have a gdoc titled "The Omnibus" (which you can find by clicking this link). This is a guide on the basic tenants of writing and it provides some very useful insight on the ins and outs of fanfiction. I still go back there sometimes when I need clarification on something.
3691561 Hmmm, I see, well, I will try my best not to make those mistakes again, and i also wanted to ask someone to read my chapters and tell me where to improve, and I see you are very good at it, so, well, I wanted to ask you if you could help me, and you get to be the first that reads my stories
3691591 As much as I'd love to help, I've never really been much of an editor.
However if it's an editor you need, I can help you find one. If you need an editor, just join the Looking for Editors group (which can be found here) and post a thread asking for assistance. Usually you would get a couple people who would be more than happy to help you out.
To be honest with you, I'm sure most of them would do a much better job than I would. I'm still learning the ropes myself.
3691618 Well, your suggestions surprised me, you seem to be very good, at least better than me, and you are going to get to read all my stories before anypony
I love the premise for this. However I'd advise you to take more time in your work as this seems rushed. I understand what its like to write action, but remember to take a moment to clear your head every so often. Also watch your point if views. You went from a first person narration to third person and then back to first I think. It was really jarring and retracted from the overall quality of your story. Good luck with the rest. I'll be keeping an eye on it. Let me know if you ever need help.
Do not worry, everypony, my next chapter will be ten times better than this one, I promise
3694741 Well thanks, don't forget to LIKE it
Aside from the feeling of being rushed, I'm liking this story. Applejack as Captain America is enough to put a big smile on my face
You could take more time in developing the characters, or extending the action out a little bit, but I understand how the former can be a bit difficult, as we are two chapters in and they're in the middle of a major action set piece. However, with the latter, you can go bigger and more over the top.
That's just me though. Nevertheless, you're doing a good job. It feels like you're having fun writing this, and that's the best part.
3694905 so, you want me to make the stories longer? Because I can make them longer, tough it will take me like two or three days to update, but I will do anything to please
3692447 I will, believe me
Huh. Needs backstory.
3712227 I am planning on doing it, but not yet
Okay other than the severe lack of knowledge of what's going on, a few things you should work on is the grammar, names and making sure you didn't skip words. There were quite a few grammar errors, making thus difficult to read. I recommend a good proofreader. Next, double check your work to make sure you didn't skip any important details, once again you need a proofreader. Third, the multitude of odd name combos made this really hard to read. Hawkdash? Captain A'mare'ica? These are very awkward to read and really serve no better purpose than the original hero names. Next is character casting. The way you have portrayed Twilight here makes no sense as she us acting brash and she us a naturally logical character, Rainbow is too logical, Pinkie us a bad choice for Hulk altogether and Rarity has not served any purpose as a character. Also make sure your plot points make sense. Twilight and Applehack seemed agreeable when they met up, but quickly turned against each other for seemingly no reason. It was jarring and made no sense that a past transgression would become a problem that farinto the xchapter. I hope you don't take this too hard, I only mean to help. Best of luck.
3719638 Well, this is an alternate universe, so they aren't the same ponies we know and love, I'm also going to make what some are asking for, a backstory, but I don't plan in doing it just yet, and about the grammar, well I have to say my English is fairly good, but it's not my first language, Spanish is, the names, I agree they are a little odd, Pinkie as Hulk makes some sense if you see it this way: Pinkie has to sides, a fun one and a sad one, when sad, Pinkie was able to run as fast as Rainbow could fly. About rarity being less important, well, In MLP:FIM she is always less important than others, and if you didn't know, the first chapter is like the one before the ending, so these others are showing how it all began, and don't worry, it's nice people make suggestions so I can improve. About the proofreader, I dot really know who could do that
3720735. Well Im a fairly good proofreader myself. Do you write in gmail?
3721256 yeah, give me your gmail, also, I changed applejack's neme to Captain Equestria
3721309 pokenick30@gmail.com.
That's a good I'd. I would also suggest calling Celesthor just Celestia as that's how the character is named in the comics. When naming your heroes you must picture the origin of the name and see if it still makes sense. Hawkeye might also be a little better to read than Hawkdash, or another name if similar meaning.
3721353 yeah, I was thinking in changing it to hawkeye, and I will email you soon, thanks for your help
3721365 no problem. Just pm me when you do send an email.
3721423 pm you?
3721537 personal message. The envelope at the top of your screen on this site.
3721564 Did you get the story?
3733218 Did you like my remake chapter and my latest chapter?
3788101 The Iron Mare in my story, or the ponyfied version of Iron Man
I thought it was like so:
Thor to Fluttershy (See "Thor")
Hulk to Twilight (Bruce Bannert is a genius)
Iron Man to Rainbow (More or less obvious)
Black Widow to Rarity (Fashion suit)
Hawkeye to Pinkie (Jokes)
Captain America to Applejack (rules. -_-)
You got 1/6 right according to that chart.
3815529 Well Stark is smarter than Banner, so it had to be Twilight, Fluttershy Thor? that doesn't make a lot of sense, There is no way Rainbow made the suit when the only books she reads are Daring Do, I agree on Pinkie, and Rarity is weak, just as Wasp is weak