Why would anypony think that life is always nice? Why do we never hear about those ponies that aren't fortunate enough to have a nice foalhood or have a lot of friends surrounding them or have loving parents that care about them? Those ponies deserve to have their stories told too, nopony should be forgotten.
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Well, ok. First the good. I did not see any spelling or grammatical errors and the formatting was good. This has already put you above many people I have read so far.
Now for the, well, bad. PACING! each of the sections could have been it's own chapter. This too felt rushed. I didn't feel any real connection to the characters. The story is intriguing, but the characters fall flat. also the dialog feels too stilted, not at all how people would actually talk. Also, it's usually easier to write more than you need and cut than to have to add more in.
Keep writing, keep posting, keep improving.
Needs more descriptive lines. Slow down a bit. I didn't feel the intensity of the the story enough. Some 'i's should be I. Change the word 'man' to 'stallion'. 'Craig' is more suitable for a human name than a pony one. Writing short is okay in my opinion. It's too early to judge since it's just Chapter 1. Good luck for later ones.
First I would like to apologize for the complete lack of capitalized "i"s i'm just a bit more accustomed to having my "i"s capitalized for me, and I plan on fixing that problem asap(probably right after this comment).
Next i would like to elaborate that while not many people would be this blunt with each other, especially with an elder such as a teacher, i am trying to portray the attitude of a highly neglected teenager that views his life as a series of tragic and highly misfortunate events that have made him angry at the world.
Next. I do not mean to make things so short and bitter sweet as things that could have had so much more detail, but instead are read through in a matter of a few mere sentences. I am again trying to portray a beaten down teenager relaying a tragic scene that causes him a lot of emotional grief (even though i didn't write that in) and is trying to tell an entire story without breaking down on his teacher.
With this being said i can say that as this story progresses I will be putting in much more detail, and trying to remember to capitalize my "i"s.
Thanks for the feedback
-ImpendingDoom
323407
Ok, I think I see what you're trying to do with pacing. I'd still like a bit more detail, like in "'Why can't it be? No problem in too difficult to fix.'
'Ok then, if you seem to be able to fix all of your problems.....'" why did he launch into an explanation? it feels out of the blue. A quick line of internal dialog in between them speaking, i.e. "And then something inside me snapped." would help put us into the character's mindset and feel connected to him. Just a few things like that. This should also help a lot with it not feeling intense enough like ShadowFax pointed out. Right now I feel a little left out on what is going on and why.
On the dialog feeling stilted, it's more the wording that I don't like rather than the content. In the last section "'You truly are a tortured soul.' she said clearly still sobbing from my story" doesn't feel like something a person would actually say. Same thing with "'No. I think that I have shared enough of my life for now, lets save the rest for a later date in time.'", the second half of the sentence doesn't feel natural.
But, on the other hand, if your characters are already strongly developed in your own mind and these are dialog choices based on what they would say you should definitely keep it as is.
Oh, and one more thing I missed the first time, Please indent the start of your paragraphs. But I'm just nitpicking now.
325880
Thanks for the idea with the dialog issue. I was also thinking that it felt a bit too bland, even for what i was trying to do.
As for the indentions, i must also apologize for usually I use MS-Word and it indents for me...but i will start indenting in future chapters.
Thanks for more feedback
-ImpendingDoom
Looking forward to the feedback
-ImpendingDoom
329323
Hmm........I have a lot of thoughts on this chapter. We get a lot more of the main characters thoughts and emotions which is good. We get them with the same adjectives " adjust-adjustment, bright-brightly, blindingly bright-brighter" which is not so good.
I'd rather not tear apart the rest of your story on a public forum. Mostly because there aren't really tools to do so here. email me @ bandgeekjimproofreads@gmail.com If you want.
-James
bandgeekjim approves of this chapter.
yay cant wait for the next chapter