- Member Since 16th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 4th, 2018
Iretis Fox
I was lured into writing fanfiction because ponies invaded my headspace and wouldn't let me work. I regret nothing. ...Also, I'm a girl!
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Great story, I always love a well written oc story, despite them being almost frowned apon in the community.
I never understood that, but keep up the great work!
3708179
Thanks for the support! I'm glad to see some love- I didn't think I'd get much being an OC-fic- but hey! Gotta write out the stories in your head, right?
Why hello there first commenter
3709028 So true, so true
This is your first fic? Wow, that is really, really good for a first fic. I enjoyed this chapter! Onto the next!
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Thank you. I blushed.
Omigoshomigoshomigosh!
Well this story was really good story so far. Keep it up
I'm exceedingly impressed by this. Have a tl;dr expansion on that.
The premise for the story and the progression of the plot so far is well-realised and appropriately sinister. The sudden and inexplicable desolation of Equestria is a compelling hook, and the gradual journey and exploration of what exactly's transpired by the protagonists mirrors that of the reader. Some scenes are perfect in their horror, such as Muse's exploration of the ruined fragment of Cloudsdale, or the group's initial welcome into Appaloosa. There's something Lovecraftian about the overpowering and utterly as-yet-unknown creatures and peril behind the story's conflict, and I'm a complete sucker for anything in that vein.
Likewise, the OC protagonists are all well-characterised and distinct, reacting the way one could reasonably expect a group of anxious and terrified ponies to react in the midst of an apparent apocalypse. In particular, I like Striker's acerbicness and self-interest more than I really should, though I'm suitably invested in everypony else to care about what happens to them.
By way of nitpicking, there are some grammar issues here and there, especially when it comes to dialogue tagging and capitalisation. For example, - “Maybe. Maybe we should stick close.” The unicorn said, -. Ideally, a comma should be used rather than a period within the quotation marks after 'close', and 'The' shouldn't be capitalised. The same applies wherever a speaking verb's used after a piece of dialogue. It's a relatively small thing, but enough to deserve some attention.
Overall, however, I like this story a great deal, and recommend it to anyone reading this review. Liked and favourited, and both are very much deserved.
The stars are right, I am glad I have my Elder Sign T-Shirt on now.
Reviewed for the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group.
Also a like and a favorite to see where you take it.
Alas poor story, I knew it Horatio.
It lives!
Good interplay between Muse and Striker. Couple of bits where the beginning of a dialogue sentence should have been capitalised, but other than that, excellent stuff! Keep at it.
CommenceComments
Ah... I'm not sure whether or not I like this story
The writing style is a bit... uneven. Not as in clunky-uneven, but as in almost-smooth-but-not-quite-uneven. There are also a few mistakes here and there, mostly minor stuff, some of it not directly wrong, but odd. LIke What happens if something attacked them? is weird because it suddenly changes time. Or “Of course?” she replied, is just on the next line without one free (unlike everywhere else). I think this could have benefited from being edited a bit more... thoroughly.
The Prologue bored me. If not for CC, I'd frankly have dropped it there.
Afterwards, though, there were some things I liked. The dialogue between Muse and Ivory was oddly charming. And then gore happens.
The scene were the stallion gets dragged off by the tentacle was ... very strange. I just read it again, and they kind of just stand there while he is being dragged away, and then this:
He must have been an incredibly boring pony, Muse thought as she stared at the pile of ragged flesh, organs spilling out and cracked, ugly bones peaking through
I at this point assume that you had to be going for a comedic effect there, which honestly kind of works, even though it's really out of tone with the tone of the story. Otherwise, the line isn't good to keep up tension. I did kind of like it, though; if you're having unknown characters, then it's a nice touch to have be a bit weird, that begets interest. I similarly like how she tries to abandon Ivory when she thinks the tentacles are coming back.
Also note that he didn't tell us his name. Therefore the audience develops no attachment. Right?
And as a general comment I'd say that this is a horror story whose style is strangely unfitting, which makes it a peculiar product. If, again, the execution was a bit more smooth, it could be a really charming thing in its own way.
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I try to update at least once a month. Next update will be in a week. I had to stop writing this past month due to a tight deadline from my actual job. Thank so much for the comment! ^^