Princess Luna is the sole controller of dream magic. Some fillies and colts have shown potential to harness the same powers. She begins a summer camp for foals that will help them discover their talents while they help suffering ponies deal with their emotional baggage and daily struggles. But all is not as it seems. There is something far more sinister behind Camp Pax Æterna, something that looks to use these fresh minds for more than just relieving nightmares.
Sound Slumber, a young earth pony running from his past, stumbles upon Camp Pax Æterna deep within Whitetail Woods and learns the true nature of becoming a "Dreamscape Commando". Sound will learn that he has a gift, one that may just help him uncover the conspiracy hanging over the camp and put an end to the Dreamscape Commandos once and for all.
Dreams can be battlefields, and Sound Slumber will learn this the hard way.
A Psychonauts/MLP crossover. Dark tag applies to later chapters.
"I am the Milk Mare. My milk is delicious."
3586686
Soon. Oh so soon.
I'm using that definitely. Thanks for reading!
Well, as much as I like the ideas behind this story, it's time for me to get in touch with my inner Jasper Rolls.
This story could use some polish on the writing. The descriptions didn't exactly take me where they were going, the characterization is a little weak if only because nopony says or does enough in a single scene, and the writing style itself comes off as too brisk and bland.
Let's talk about the writing first. It's bland. I understand you want your story to pick a direction and start moving, but at the same time, it's important not to rush. Take your time. Drink some coffee. Smell the roses.
To this end, I recommend sprinkling some purple prose to go with your beige. Beige prose does the job of moving the story along, but purple prose is what makes writing feel more organic. The writing here is mostly robotic, and some of it even feels a bit forced, like you're trying too hard to impress readers. One way to figure out a decent balance for purple-beige prose is to pretend you are relaying this story to a close confidant. Imagine yourself with a family member or lover or anyone you trust implicitly, and act like you're telling them about something that happened just the other day.
In short, pretend like it's a one-sided conversation. Speak the lines out loud to find out which sentences work and which others do not. Trust me, you'll see some serious improvement.
Moving on, let's look at your characters. Sound Slumber doesn't strike me as an interesting main character like Raz. There was more to Rasputin than just running away from his family at the circus: he was bold, confident in his abilities and chances of becoming a Pyschonaut, and courageous enough to pursue his dreams against his parents' wishes.
Sound Slumber freaks out and breaks down the moment he meets Luna. While that's a realistic action for a little boy who's been running all alone for a while, it doesn't help me to like Slumber. It makes me wonder why he's the main character for a story based on friggin' Psychonauts, which is a game that doesn't exactly concern itself with realism. You need to know when to eschew realism for fun when writing fiction. The idea of this little colt barging into Luna's own dreams and demanding to be made a Dream Commando is audacious, but it'd be bold enough to impress the Princess of the Night. It'd imply Sound Slumber's huge potential for becoming a Dream Commando, and get Luna attached to the story much faster and much more than what you have here.
This leads me to another issue. The pacing. It feels too slow. While the writing is fast and brisk to the point of casting blandness into the narrative, the story still feels much too slow because of how each scene plays out. The rule is: immersive writing, brisk pace. You need to say as much as you can with as few words and scenes as possible. The above idea for a scene -- Sound Slumber penetrating Luna's mental defenses and subsequently getting accepted as a Dream Commando-In-Training -- sets up the story and characters much more effectively partly because it happens fast enough that it interests the reader right away. It's the toughest part of writing a story: you have to impress your audience right from the first page. If not, they'll click on the back button and just forget your story.
With this having been said, I love the premise so far. You just need to practice the craft of writing a little more before you have what might be nothing short of a masterpiece.
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Uh.
I see.
...
You got way too technical for me there. I don't mean to sound indifferent, but I don't really want anything from this. I've let the idea grow cold in my mind, mostly I was daydreaming about Luna's dreamwalk and the psychonauts one day and let my thoughts out. I don't have a coherent plan for it, I haven't even played the game in a few years, and I'm just dumping ideas away. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, but it's more of a 'throwaway' fic if anything.
I don't even really have an urge to continue it, to be honest..I've lost my inspiration.
Your conversation on colored words and stuff, man, I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't look into how I write, I just do it, and hope somebody else gets a laugh or a good vibe from it. Take my most popular story, T-T-T-Tia!, for example.
Wrote the whole damn thing in about an hour when sleep deprived and hopped up on tea
I had no direction, really, just a funny idea, and look where it got me! I'm proud of the way I currently write, especially if I'm improvising on the spot. When I drag an idea out, like this fic, I find myself losing focus quickly, and if it sits for a few days, I lose my grasp on what I was planning. 
That's why I'll write mostly one-shots. My multi-chapter works just don't...work for me. I can't keep the idea rolling long enough.
I know right. I am disappointed in the writers, and soon to be writers for not doing things like this sooner!