Daylight broke over Whitetail Woods, bringing with it the promise of a new light, and returning Sound Slumber to the world of the waking. Sound opened his eyes and blinked away the sleepiness attempting to pull him back to the Dreamscape. For weeks now, Sound had been slowly been discovering that he could access dreams and control his own at night, a task which should have been impossible, his lack of a horn notwithstanding.
The young colt stood up and trotted over to the small pond near his tent, gazing into it and watching his exhausted reflection smile back. Weary blue eyes stared back at him behind a short silvery mane. His coat, a dull gray, shifted as the breeze flowed over him. His flank was bare, being just a colt when he ran away from the circus life his parents wholly embraced. Sound wiped his brow and shivered, remembering last night's cryptic dreams in full detail.
The darkness closed in around the young colt as he floated through the Dreamscape, each moment bringing the shadows closer to him. His hoofsteps echoed endlessly through the void as he wandered the misty plane. Deep blue eyes stared back at him through the mists, pondering his explorations and following his every move. Sound could hear manic laughter in the distance, but could not determine the direction at which it assaulted his ears. The darkened aura closed in, threatening to suffocate him in its dark embrace. The mists quickly overwhelmed him, and as he awoke, he swore he could see the outline of an alicorn flying in the distance.
Sound snapped back to reality as a twig crunched behind him. He spun around, expecting to see a squirrel, but instead, it was a small blue colt with what appeared to be a tin foil 'hat' wandering aimlessly through his campsite.
"Hey! Who're you?" he called out to the colt, but the pudgy foal kept wandering past his site and toward the bushes, completely unawares to Sound's calls. "Hey! I'm talking to you! You hear me?" The colt did not stop in his mindless stroll, and soon walked through the bushes, the sound of rustling leaves covering Sound's missives.
Sound chased after the colt, following him through the brush, the thickets scraping against his skin and pulling on his mane. He popped out on the other side, only to come face-to-face with the Princess of the Night. Princess Luna looked down at Sound inquisitively, much like a kitten to a mouse.
"Well, what have we here? A young colt, alone in the woods? This is hardly the place for you to be, young one." The calm demeanor of the Princess's words soothed the fear that was bubbling up inside Sound.
"Prin-Princess! I was...I was just...that colt...tin foil...what?" Sound stammered. 'Shoot! now she'll wonder where my parents are, and I'll get sent back to them, what to do, what to do...'
"-andos, little one?" Luna's voice cut through his thoughts, bringing him back to the situation at hoof.
"I'm sorry, Princess, what was that?" Sound requested of the Night Princess.
"I ask, young colt, what your name is, and how you managed to harness the power of my Dream Commandos." Luna said, a slight frown taking her mouth hostage.
"I'm..I'm Sound Slumber, Princess. But I don't know what Dream Commandos are. I don't even know what they do!" Sound stuttered a bit, shakily shifting from hoof to hoof in front of Luna.
"You are but an earth pony! How have you figured out the Dreamwalk? Who taught you my sacred art?" Luna pressed Sound for answers, advancing as he backed up.
Sound's rear bumped into something warm and fuzzy. Startled, he turned about, expecting to see a beast, but instead was met with a portly unicorn stallion wearing what appeared to be a poor rendition of a Daring Do costume, the adventurous getup consisting of a wrinkled tan work shirt, a monocle, and a large brimmed round hat. The stallion reeked of heavy cologne and spoke up in a heavy Germane accent.
"Oh! Look vat ve have here, herr Princess! A young colt! Und he is but an earth pony! Tell me, son, vat brings you here today?" The stallion laughed heartily, his accent grating against Sound's eardrums.
"Ah, Counselor Von Dreamy! A pleasure to see you not grilling our campers in your "Basic Braining" as you like to call it." Luna turned to look as Sound glanced back and forth between the two.
"Uh...what's going on here? Princess, why are you here in the Whitetail Woods? Shouldn't you be in Canterlot?" Sound poked into the conversation, his brow furrowed in thought.
"I should ask of you the same, my little pony." Luna smirked, seeing Sound twitch in discomfort.
"Well, I...I ran away...from my parents, from home, it wasn't home anymore!" Sound began to shake slowly, tears beginning to build up as he realized he'd be returning to the home he scorned soon enough. "They forced me to perform for their circus, their acts never involved us together, just me, doing the hardest and most dangerous stunts. I've broken bones...and my heart is far more shattered..." Sound threw himself at Luna's hooves. "Please, Princess, I can't go back, I just can't!" He wailed as tears streamed down his face, dampening his coat and wetting the earth beneath him.
"I will be the one to make that decision, Sound Slumber. I'm sure your parents miss you very much." Luna draped a wing over the foal, encouraging him to hug the alicorn, and let his tears out. Sound reached for her and the maelstrom of crying began again inside him.
"Please, Princeh-eh-ess! I'll tell you everything I know about my dreams! Just don't...don't send me ba-a-ack!" Sound cried into her shoulder, weeks of torturous living alone coming back to pile up on him. The poor colt was overwhelmed.
Luna made to stand up, encouraging Sound to rise as well. "I cannot say for certain that it is the best choice, but I will allow you to remain here for a few days' time. However, if you cannot hold up to expectations, I will not hesitate to return you to your parents." Luna smiled at Sound, then turned and began walking through the clearing toward what looked like a cliff face.
Sound reached out for her with a hoof as she took to the air, flying right at the cliff face, only to disappear through it as ripples flowed up the "rock". Sound's jaw hung open. That should not have been possible! How could one make a rock face like a lake surface? Was it an enchantment? A spell? Sound lost himself in his thoughts before being brought back by the heavy voice of Von Dreamy as he called to the colt.
"Vell? Are you coming, herr Sound? Allow us to introduce you to Pax Æterna, Her Majesty's premier camp for the teaching of dream magic!" Von Dreamy chuckled as he approached the cliff face, Sound Slumber in tow. He stretched his hoof out and ran it along the rock face, creating tiny ripples, as though playing in the water. He then took a step and disappeared through it.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Sound cried out as he ran towards the wall, half expecting to slam into it as he closed his eyes. Instead, he was met with the strange feeling of passing through the illusion barrier, not unlike trying to stretch through plastic wrap. The barrier resisted, but with a snap! he rocketed through the barrier and rolled across the grass within.
He opened his eyes and was met with the sight of numerous buildings and trees, arranged as though to simulate a small town. The buildings were small and rounded, with thatched rooftops and glassless windows. Wooden bridges extended from the tops of the buildings, connecting them to the trees, which held huts in their canopies. Each tree had its own hut, and right in the center of it all was a large oak, bigger than any Sound had ever seen. The trunk was as wide as three of the ground buildings, with staircases and rope ladders and bridges, oh my! And in the top, Sound could see fillies and colts looking down through the leaves at him and his unexpected arrival. The far side of the "camp" had a lake with a few docks, but no boats. The area was lit by the sunlight, distorted by the barrier as it filtered through, leaving a hazy glow around every building.
Sound glanced up to see Princess Luna and Counselor Von Dreamy looking down at him with pleased smiles on their faces. "What is...what is this place, Princess?" Sound asked, short of breath from the amazement.
"My dear Sound Slumber, this is your new home. Welcome to Camp Pax Æterna, my little Dream Commando."
"I am the Milk Mare. My milk is delicious."
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Soon. Oh so soon.
I'm using that definitely. Thanks for reading!
Well, as much as I like the ideas behind this story, it's time for me to get in touch with my inner Jasper Rolls.
This story could use some polish on the writing. The descriptions didn't exactly take me where they were going, the characterization is a little weak if only because nopony says or does enough in a single scene, and the writing style itself comes off as too brisk and bland.
Let's talk about the writing first. It's bland. I understand you want your story to pick a direction and start moving, but at the same time, it's important not to rush. Take your time. Drink some coffee. Smell the roses.
To this end, I recommend sprinkling some purple prose to go with your beige. Beige prose does the job of moving the story along, but purple prose is what makes writing feel more organic. The writing here is mostly robotic, and some of it even feels a bit forced, like you're trying too hard to impress readers. One way to figure out a decent balance for purple-beige prose is to pretend you are relaying this story to a close confidant. Imagine yourself with a family member or lover or anyone you trust implicitly, and act like you're telling them about something that happened just the other day.
In short, pretend like it's a one-sided conversation. Speak the lines out loud to find out which sentences work and which others do not. Trust me, you'll see some serious improvement.
Moving on, let's look at your characters. Sound Slumber doesn't strike me as an interesting main character like Raz. There was more to Rasputin than just running away from his family at the circus: he was bold, confident in his abilities and chances of becoming a Pyschonaut, and courageous enough to pursue his dreams against his parents' wishes.
Sound Slumber freaks out and breaks down the moment he meets Luna. While that's a realistic action for a little boy who's been running all alone for a while, it doesn't help me to like Slumber. It makes me wonder why he's the main character for a story based on friggin' Psychonauts, which is a game that doesn't exactly concern itself with realism. You need to know when to eschew realism for fun when writing fiction. The idea of this little colt barging into Luna's own dreams and demanding to be made a Dream Commando is audacious, but it'd be bold enough to impress the Princess of the Night. It'd imply Sound Slumber's huge potential for becoming a Dream Commando, and get Luna attached to the story much faster and much more than what you have here.
This leads me to another issue. The pacing. It feels too slow. While the writing is fast and brisk to the point of casting blandness into the narrative, the story still feels much too slow because of how each scene plays out. The rule is: immersive writing, brisk pace. You need to say as much as you can with as few words and scenes as possible. The above idea for a scene -- Sound Slumber penetrating Luna's mental defenses and subsequently getting accepted as a Dream Commando-In-Training -- sets up the story and characters much more effectively partly because it happens fast enough that it interests the reader right away. It's the toughest part of writing a story: you have to impress your audience right from the first page. If not, they'll click on the back button and just forget your story.
With this having been said, I love the premise so far. You just need to practice the craft of writing a little more before you have what might be nothing short of a masterpiece.
I know right. I am disappointed in the writers, and soon to be writers for not doing things like this sooner!