This was the single greatest HiE I have ever read.

Ok, maybe not, but damn.

Also... I remember Surge. I remember giving it to my cousins dog. Fun times.

~Skeeter The Lurker

"I'm sorry, but I'm now on brake!"

break

did you build this place out of paper machet?!

mache, no t.

so was my mother until he met my father.

Could be a joke, pointing it out anyway.
This story's language reminds me of a certain episode of Yugioh Abridged...

When I first read the title, I actually thought it was a blog post about the Fluttershy plush scheduled to release on Black Friday at Build-a-Bear Workshop, which I am very hyped for.
31.media.tumblr.com/273e6989d27bc61e1a291f3a7aaac256/tumblr_mtrbfh6zX61s3ypaao1_1280.jpg
Eeeeeeeeee!

In rare form for this one.

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Much appreciated

3491209

Skirts, I get the distinct impression that everything that happened up to Nancy's disappearance was what it's like living with your mind. I'm not sure if I should envy you, pity you, or both.

I can't shake the feeling that I've read this story before, but I can't think of when or by whom. Maybe I dreamt it. It certainly has the right sense of bizarre disconnection and scattershot pop culture references.

In any case, a most amusing tale. I have to commend the heroine's sense of duty. Given a choice between Black Friday retail and the sissy mauve-scented dimension, I'd be tempted to go with the latter.

While using a subjective clause, I'd adverbially metaphor this object an overwrought simile.

And now I find myself attracted to you. Thanks for that.

I laughed... a great deal.

This was disgusting in a beautiful, beautiful way...

Oh man, that was a fun read. I feel like some bits were a tad autobiographical...

I love your cat sized ponies.

Whoa, this hit way too close to home. I've been through 13 Black Fridays myself (going on #14 soon) and I can say that everything in this story is horribly true. I can still recall the year Brittany was kicked by some little old lady as she was trying to get something off the floor near it, the spiteful customer actually chased her under it!

But... rule #1; Mongo! never... kill a customer.

(95% of the customers are awesome, it's that last 5% that lie, cheat, steal, and/or act like we owe them because they blessed up with their presence that day, those are the ones I want to drag out back and beat with a rusty nail-ridden 2x4 ripped off a wood pallet... especially the shoplifters)

God, I cried. I remember a few years ago when I was the assistant manager of a toy dept., stocking shelves, drawing up battle plans, ordering lackies, and getting into the thick of it...

Then there were the fucking customers who would bitch and complain about the lack of Furbies, or the sold out advertised Lego set, or the neckbeards wanting a specific mcfarlane halo action figure that we don't have anymore cuz there's only one a box.

I'm stuck in Receiving now and I miss loathing those fat pustulant fucks who's business gave me life moneys and who's stupidity gave the anger that inspired me to work harder and better each day and say to myself, "I am better than all those pathetic fuckers," before drowning myself in therapeutic self loathing later in the day.

All the while putting up the facade of being a delighted and helpful member of society (ok, I forgot if it was a guise or genuine... the more hopeful part of me says it's genuine).

God, I miss hating those bloated, walking ham chambers of rotting ham crushing putrification. I miss being as angry at this rotten world. I miss my inspiration. I miss working so hard it hurt so good.

Thank you for triggering the nostalgia, shortskirtsandexplosions. It was unexpectedly therapeutic. I can go to work tomorrow to harness my pallet bending prowess for the good of my store with a bit of the anger and bitterness that was missing in my heart.

Such is the way of retail.

Surge... God, I forgot how that tastes like. It tastes like Mountain Dew... frig, I forget.

We need more JR on commentary in this world.

Liquid pride, man. Liquid pride.

Canada Dry is the shit. Let it run flat and it makes a great nutrient replacement when you got diarrhea. Costs less than Gatorade. Don't forget the unsalted crackers and the blandness will kill those diarrhea germs dead.

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I've had that same fantasy with shoplifters. Except it involved using my bare hands and shouting, "Pay for your sins!" repeatedly.

HiE from SSnE?! OMG gonna read this now!

I'm still remember when you say no when I asked if you gonna write some HiE

Oh wow, this story has very, um... colorful descriptions.

Reading this makes me glad I only worked one Black Friday at Sam's Club.

Skirts, dawg. You rockin' my mind.

Skirts, you're scaring me.

Im so glad i don't work in retail and have nothing to do but organize storage, label stuff and ship it off to people with no customer contact whatsoever.
Also overly dramatic housecat ponies are best ponies.

I have to lean my fanny forward just to make room as he grabs used guts from a drawer of old Wii games directly behind me.

This sentence should be interesting for our UK readers.

Maybe I should skip the grape soda and go for a Dr. Pepper.

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I enjoy Black Friday as well.

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Let me tell you something I learned from my experience in retail...

Don't go into retail.

This...this is beautiful. It's not a HiE fic, it is THE HiE fic. There is no surpassing this, truly. I...I feel honored to have read this masterpiece. I was going to suggest somebody do a dramatic reading of it, but I don't know anyone who could possibly do it justice.

Nintendo is God, 'nuff said.

I stay in seclusion on Black Friday.

But I'm thinking I'll spend it this year listening to Penderecki.

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Also, one of the things I am most thankful for about a life in the military is that I have never had to deal with retail.

Granted, the whole, "getting shot at/blown up" thing is a drawback, but still.

This piece is beautiful in its brutality and sincerity. Never have I seen anyone deliver on the horror that is Black Friday as well as this has. Almost makes me want to avoid it altogether.

But man oh man... them damn deals... God help us all

You see, to most countries, "Black Friday" is some terrible event that happened in their country on a Friday, like a "never forget" type of thing.

To America?
It's the day when normal consumers turn into ferocious monsters who trample children, commit assault-with-intent-to-murder, attempt grand theft, and I'm fairly certain at least one store gets burned down every year.

3493144

Also, one of the things I am most thankful for about a life in the military is that I have never had to deal with retail.

Wow, that pretty much says it all. "Getting shot at by this asshole sure does suck, but at least I'm not working at Target!"

3493202

So, what you're saying is that it's a terrible event that happens to America every single year?

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry or just curl up on my bed, shivering in terror after reading that. Or perhaps all three.

We sold out of then in the first two hours.

You appear to be missing half the letter m there.

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Pretty much. Most stores have armed security guards to keep things civil, but the very fact that they're needed tells you how bad it would be without their presence.

Oh, the hilarious overreactions.

There is a problem with this fic. There's no sequel yet...

3493144 A-f***ing-men. I'd rather take another Christmas season doing circles up and down the Persian Gulf than work retail.

cook up a rubby-shoe-tapping

*ruby

"Down here, AJ"

Left out a punctuation mark.

trying to earn seven eight fifty an hour

78.50? On second thought, sign me up for that job!

I wish I could favorite this half a hundred times instead of just once.

i.imgur.com/WY01APd.gif

It sure is Battle of Pelennor Fields up in this bi--... er... female dog.

Lol... I say the same thing because I despise cursing...

And that is why I live in New Zealand. No fuss, no problems, no black Fridays, not shitty internet providers, no grey hired toddlers sitting in parliament, just a beer, a sunset, and a gun.

New Zealand, everything good about the rest of the world without the shit.

3493341

Okay yeah you just helped me decide to not apply to Target.

THANK YOU.

3493202>>3493266>>3494545 Hah. No. Black Friday gets a lot more hype than it deserves. I've never seen a store that feels the need to arm security guards for it, not even a Wal-mart (which I have worked at). I also worked at Circuit City for years, never needed any kind of security.

Truth of it is it's a busy, busy day. People have died on Black Friday, but it's actually a lot less common that getting assaulted or killed in a retail store on a NORMAL day. It's not the frenzied crowds of people (which aren't a problem as long as they're managed properly) that are the issue. It's that one crazy sumbitch.

(Seven black fridays under my belt. Worst I ever suffered was a sprained ankle from running around and not paying attention).

This was... interesting. And accurate, Black Friday sucks.

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But it still sucks.

Haven't started reading this yet, however, something about the title and summery reminds me about Black Monday Blues from the web comic Dead Winter. Now I have to read it.

Huh. Seems legit to me.

The water with what...? The water with what!? I need to know!

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scattershot pop culture references

lol Dark Souls 2

Oh gawd. This has to be one of your funniest, most messed up stories. And that's saying something.

I don't even know where to begin. The metaphors and similes. The references. The adorably obtuse horses. The - what I can only assume to be - autobiographical touches.

I hope it fulfilled its purpose as therapy. As someone similarly mired in the anal seepage of retail employment, I feel your pain. I spent last Black Friday pulling a graveyard shift at a gas station, doling out coffee and donuts and cancer sticks to people whose idea of a good, fulfilling night was one spent lined up at a fucking Best Buy. This year, I'll be restrained into a bent-over position at the business end of a supermarket deli. Cry oneself to sleep at night, indeed. Though I suppose I'll miss the brunt of the capitalistic orgy.

P.S. - So I take it you don't like ginger ale, huh?

Wat.

I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MIRACLE WORKER!