RD.exe

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Comments ( 13 )

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TheExhaustedBrony

TheExhaustedBrony #1 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

2spooky4me

ThatCactusPony

ThatCactusPony #2 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

I didn't want to go to sleep anyways :'(

Umachan

Umachan #3 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

I kinda know what you were going for, I guess it's a creepypasta kind of thing but it just felt flat.

There was no tension. No thrills. No excitement. And you have either a really slow computer or you have no sense of time. And hour or two to install a game? Are we back in 1985 suddenly? Nothing happens on screen for a whole minute? Fifteen minutes of creepy music before the game shuts off by itself? That's not what a good PC would do.

There's too much telling and not enough showing. Your story reads like it's "this happeend. Then this happened. Then this happend". You need to immerse the reader in the story, not just have it be a series of events going on. Make the main character feel like they're in dnager, give it some real stakes. Like he tries to turn the PC off but it won't shut down. He tries to leave the room but is forced back in his seat. At no point is there a feeling that he can't just shut it down and leave it. No, he continues playing the game when it's obviously messed up. Why?

Then there's the grammar and spelling too many to list but a couple examples are:

You "putted" it in? Putted like when you play golf or did you want to say, "I put it in".
im instead of I'm.
Stick to one spelling of "disc" or "disk" although the first one if preferred.

In short, it's not very scary and needs work.

RedRD255

RedRD255 #4 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

3431671 I knew there were some errors in this story. That is why I marked it down incomplete because I was going to edit this story. Thank you for pointing this out my friend.

Umachan