One day I might find time to write a pieceFor now I just read and admire...AJ is bestpony
AJ traced 186 tallies. One-hundred and eighty-six marks she'd etched in the floor. It should have been cider season right about now.
Instead, she doubted she'd ever farm again.
The new leaders of Equestria wanted a world devoid of earth ponies, and it seemed like their wish was about to become a reality.
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Definitely pretty bleak, but it's not bad so far. It might be good to establish why the unicorns are leading a holocaust against the earth ponies, because it's hard to tell if there's some massively powerful group leading the effort, or if you're just writing the Equestrian military as being really, really, randomly evil.
I'm guessing because it's a Nazi parallel, the earth ponies are being wiped out because they're deemed genetically inferior? I couldn't tell if this was a commonly-held opinion in your story's Equestria or not, because apparently everyone's going along with it.
So yeah, it's rather dark, but I'm pretty sure that's what you're going for.
I want more backstory... Right now I have a lot of questions. But oh the feels... :fluttersad:
If that damn blueballs (yeah, i spelled it like that) is behind it, I hope Tia makes him burn. Along with the eradication police. All hail the vengeful sun goddess!!!
I need sleep
@Ozarkponylover...
1. I agree with previous comments that it was an ambiguous starting chapter for setting the literary stage; not enough to make me Dislike, but not enough for me to Like, either. Regardless, here are a few pointers, guidelines, and creative suggestions for your first fan-fiction...
2. Technical Writing... On the definitive positive, you have no glaring or major technical writing errors (spelling, grammar, format, etc.). You can have the greatest story-premise in all of Equestria; but if your technical writing is poor &/or sloppy, then your story is dead before it is finished being read. So stay sharp and vigilant on that literary front, or have an Editor &/or Proofreaders watching your literary back.
3. Mass Starvation & the masses... If, as you wrote, the Lab Crop is not really a life-sustaining food, then you will need to show that on the appropriate scale. There should be mass starvation and despair across this dystopian Equestria. But conversely, there should also be desperate hopes and rebellious defiance as well. This gives the protagonists both more problems in seeing the suffering of the masses, as well as more allies among the populace they may not have expected; in the masses' desperate hopes to restore balance and Harmony. Likewise, you can show the villainy and hypocrisy of the antagonists by showing that they are still eating natural foods (hoarded, stolen, force-grown by enslaved Earth Ponies, etc.) over Lab Crop to keep themselves alive despite their genocidal campaign and propaganda.
4. Unlikely Allies... As a creative suggestion (if you had not already thought of it) is to make use of ironic role-reversals through Unlikely Allies:
~ a. Queen Chrysalis - The Changelings are dying out through parallel starvation, with the pony population literally cut-down by one-third or more. Likewise, mass starvation means ponies are feeling anything but Love to be fed upon by the Changelings. Chrysalis becomes a ironically stalwart ally to the protagonists.
~ b. Discord - With the oppressive government, Discord becomes a surprisingly resolute ally and even hero. Why? Because some of the positive faces of Chaos are Rebellion (against oppression), Revolution (against a corrupt government), and most of all...Freedom.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
5. Use of Tragedy tag... A common misconception among writers and readers is the belief that Tragedy means the "Good Guys" all lose &/or die, and the "Bad Guys" win & stand triumphant.
This is incorrect.
Tragedy means that NO ONE wins. Not the Good Guys, not the Bad Guys. Not the Heroes, not the Villains. Not the Protagonists, not the Antagonists. No one wins in a Tragedy, no one.
For example: The Good Guys may all die, but the Bad Guys either all die as well, or wind up with a hollow victory, and are brought down shortly there-after (sometimes even immediately there-after).
At the end of a Tragedy, every character involved in the story: bad, good, supporting, tangential, and even bystanders, should either be dead or eating dust (metaphorically speaking, but can also be literal).
The only characters that should not eating dust and ash at the end of a Tragedy are characters that are in no way connected to the story. (example: fresh characters that come on-scene after the story is decisively complete, or characters in the story's future looking back at the unfortunate story that occurred)
If you want a "Bad Guys win" story, then the Dark tag is all you need. Also be mindful that Dark means the Bad Guys "can" win, but does not mean they "have" to win, either. Dark simply opens the storytelling option for either storytelling route.
In any case, remember this (overly simplified) guideline for writing a Tragedy:
Everybody suffers. Nobody wins.
.
Hope this helps.
Hmmm. Thanks for the comments. Constructive criticism is always welcome! This is a brand new hobby for me.
I'm a reporter by day and a graduate student by night so I'm really glad my grammar was ok.
Anyway, please don't be shy with the tips! I try to be thorough but I can already predict that my biggest weaknesses will be pacing and redundancy.
Any good recommendations for pre-readers or editors?
4078899...
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
4075682
Have patience. It is only the first chapter
I'm pretty interested in why more people aren't standing up to the eradication police, how the eradication police got so many bigots who are so extreme they believe earth ponies should die, and why unicorns and pegasi don't try to start farming food even if they aren't as good as earth ponies.
4122720
I a,so never got why non earth ponies couldn't just do what earth ponies do, plant seeds, water, blah blah blah, in the show.