Vinyl moved in with Octavia 5 months ago and things have been going great, but when Vinyl's friend Rainbow Dash asks if she can stay for a few days, things are going to get weird.
Chapters (3)
Discorded Pegasus
Joined 7th Oct, 2013 ·
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My first story here on Fimfiction.
I cannot put into words how excited I am!
...growing urge to flow her Fillyfriend into....
do you mean throw?
You have my attention and I wish to see where this goes!
3348211 OMC I complete missed that!
I'll change it!
hehe nice
I have a strong hunch that I am going to like this story quite a bit. I can't wait to see what else you'll be putting into it. Keep up the great writing!
~SolidFire
Only 5 chapters? Drag this out... forever.
3350120 Like I said if enough people want me to continue, I will.
Needs a wee bit of grammar correction but starting out swimmingly. I like it so far so I extend a brohoof to thee /)
The 3 best ponies ever?!?!?! (This will be good) heh heh heh...... Btw how do you get the faces into your comments?
A friend shows up after a long time and first thing she does is leave the house, leaving the friend there without any estimation when she returns? She would probably ask Rainbow to go with her...
If you are reffering to "University days" fic, it was a psychology class. A musician would have little use for physiology anyway.
Otherwise i like the story. OctaScratch is the best shipping. This should be definitely longer than 5 chapters.
3354626 you click them in the box to the right from where you write.
I did mean psychology.
I just can't spell!
I like it so far, and 5 chapters might be enough, depending on how you end it. I suggest more chapters ONLY if the ending of you're 5th and final chapter feels like it needs more to finish it off. Or if its a cliffhanger!
looks like your rushing it to hard. and forgetting a lot of key points/
Never once did Vinyl or Octavia ask Rainbow way she needs a place to stay.
and all your doing is telling us whats going on you need to show the reader what is it that's going on.
Show vs. Tell
This is often the biggest obstacle to a well-written story, and thus deserves its own section.
When someone wants you to show, not tell, they want you to imply that certain things are going on rather than just informing us that they're happening. It's like the difference between watching someone build a chair from a pile of lumber, and walking into someone's workshop and seeing a newly built chair surrounded by wood shavings and fresh sawdust.
In both scenarios, the information passed on is the same: this person you know (Let's call her Xen, because apparently Jayson Thiesson gave his daughter that name and that's a pretty freaking sweet thing to be called IMO. Agreed? Good!) has just built a new chair. The difference in the second scenario, however, is that instead of us seeing Xen build the chair or having Xen tell us herself that she built that chair, we can infer from what we see that Xen built this new chair.
To give you another example of how that sort of thing might play out in prose, have a look at this random little blurb of a sentence:
Twilight was tired because she had stayed up too late the night before reading an old astronomy textbook, and that was making her letter to Princess Celestia very difficult to write.
Sure, it got the necessary information across, but it just told it to you. There is no part of that sentence left to the imagination; the facts are the facts are the facts. As Pinkie Pie might say: "Boooooriiiiiiiing." Now take the ideas behind that same sentence, add a bit of showing, and...
For what seemed like the hundredth time, Twilight's head drooped towards the wrinkled yellow parchment lying on the desk before her. As her snout touched down with a painful thump, the purple-furred unicorn's head snapped back up, her eyes widening in shock for a second or two before crumpling into a scowl. She'd been sitting here for, what, twenty minutes now? And all she had to show for it was a splitting headache and a single line at the top of her paper: "Dear Princess Celestia..."
Twilight snorted and brought a hoof up to her forehead, the air feeling thick as molasses as she tried to lift her foreleg all the way up to her frazzled maneline. This wasn't that hard. This couldn't possibly be that hard. She'd been writing these letters every other Friday for the past year now, and she'd never had one single, solitary problem with it. And now: nothing. Her brain was on lockdown, and her eyes felt like something had dusted them with sand overnight. She could almost hear Spike's gratingly disapproving tone: Serves you right for staying up so late with your horn stuck in some chemistry textbook.
"First of all, it was astronomy," Twilight mumbled through clenched teeth at the reproachful baby dragon inside her head. "And second of all..."
A rogue beam of sunlight glanced off a nearby vase and flared out across the desk, sending Twilight's stomach into a tailspin. "...just shut up," she finished as her head fell onto her letter again. This time, it stayed there.
Contrary to what may seem like basic logic, the best stories are the ones that don't outright say anything. Ideally, the author is an artist just as much as a painter or sculptor is; he or she uses words to create an entirely separate world that we then visualize inside our own minds. When you show and don't tell, you give your readers a chance to determine all the little details of that world for themselves, which in turn allows them to immerse themselves much deeper into the text.
Why are people often disappointed when one of their favorite books is made into a movie? Because reading a book gives them the leeway to imagine the world however they desire, and a movie inherently has to pick just one version of that world. In other words, the movie, by its very nature, has to tell. And that's why the book is (almost) always better.
I like it so far, and nice job on this though there are some minor grammar mistakes. Though i can't really complain as i'm sure that i made a lot of grammar mistakes in my fictions as well. Also good job on making this nice little spin off, or at least referencing to Vinyl and Octavia; University Days. Looking forward to reading more.
3356976 yeah I saw that. They don't have that on the iPhone
3354553 I never turn down a brohoof! (\
Awesome story so far can't wait to read the next few chapters and I hop you make it longer then 5
and /)
3952393 I brohoof thee! (\