Barnyard Closure

When a ferocious, thundering storm rages over Ponyville, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are forced to take shelter in the barn for a while. During the span they are in there, however, Applejack takes the time to discuss some certain feelings she's been keeping from the brash Pegasus for a while now.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 17 )

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Drakkith

Drakkith #1 · Jun 9th, 2013 · · ·

Perhaps a little cliche and overdone (this type of story I mean, not your specific idea of them in a barn when it rains), but I think your writing was well done.
It's like pounding nails in my brain when I try to write out a coherent story.

artofwar77

artofwar77 #2 · Jun 9th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Though I do not feel it should have those 2 dislikes and nothing else, there are areas worth improving.

Simple (and easy to fix, don't worry) grammar errors, like mismatched subject & verb, could be found all throughout the writing.
There were occasional shifts in tense, sometimes even within a single sentence.
The narration seemed to switch between a sort of "Applejack voice" and "external spectator voice" with no recognizable pattern, changing from impartial narration to addressing a hypothetical "you" seemingly at a whim.

You were very liberal with descriptive metaphors and phrases. Some of them were well-executed and helped to illustrate a scene, like your phrasing of "the violent storm battering the earth". Then there were some that were less successful and distracted from the story, like your describing the "ear-splitting boom of thunder" (an excellent description on its own) as having "caressed the sky" (a poor match for the previous description).

The dialogue Applejack and Rainbow shared was written well enough to clearly understand who spoke a particular line even in the absence of speaker tags, but there there were moments where the two felt out of character in both word and behavior.
(This is somewhat understandable, since there is no canon benchmark against which to measure either Applejack's or Rainbow's personality with respect to romance.)

I very much enjoyed the writing itself (your decision to place commas and periods in certain places, etc.); it was very good at controlling the pace at which the story reads and the "cadence" of how Applejack and Rainbow speak and think. This helped portray both their differences in character and their moods at a given moment.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

EDIT:
It seems this story now boasts a rather more reasonable proportion of 10 likes out of 75 views. Well done.

Salad king

Salad king #3 · Jun 9th, 2013 · · ·

The whole barn and strom has been done before but this was still great to read, deffinatly doesnt deserve those dislikes

carnivale

carnivale #4 · Jun 9th, 2013 · · ·

2696731 Thank you for that constructive criticism. Yes, it seemed that while editing I missed a few details... oh well. Everyone makes mistakes.
I know I could have done better, but writing takes practice, and I'm not very good at it. But I really appreciate the effort you put into your comment.

FluttershySanji

FluttershySanji #5 · Jun 10th, 2013 · · ·

This fic was short but put together well for someone tired while writing this. But there was a few moments that felt like a complete romance novel but none the less enjoyable. Also I do agree with bstreetninja on some parts with AJ and Dash out of character but can't really blame him...everyones a critic eh heh heh... thx for the good read tho.