also sorry if I have bad grammar, I really never went to a school read my profile for the whole thing anyway enjoy and don't thumbs this down if you hate the shipping because honestly people who do that. its kinda like parking in a disabled parking or double park.
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This is a story about a mare named twilight, who is unaware for her feelings towards Trixie. after finding a disturbing news paper from a shop in Ponyville. she decides though everything and chases after her.
not much to say due to yeah first fic so yeah, be nice please. and this might continue for 2 more chapters to heat things up
Chapters (6)
It is a nice beginning although a bit slow one. Yet one thing troubles me about the part at Carousel Boutique. Rarity would never go and search through some debris, it would be too dirty work for her liking.
Also if you want, I could proofread for you. Just send me PM if you are interested.
3179785 She didn't I just forgot to add the rest of the part but what happened was that the pony's that went though the wreckage found the cape and hat, they knew that rarity is like the #1 pony for clothes so they got given to her, and thanks for the feed back this part will be explained in chapter 1
You know, I was almost scarred off by your summary for this story. Now that I've actually read this story, I'm not really sure how to feel. This little story of yours really needs some polishing. Your grammar needs work, though honestly I've seen much worse, and your descriptions are lacking. As a writer, you need to show us what's happening, not just tell us. Sound confusing? here, let's use an example.
Now, what is wrong with this sentence? There is no description. Makes it kind of hard to envision what's going on. Let's improve it, shall we?
Now, that's not perfect, but it does allow us to get a better idea of what's going on.
Now, let's use examples from your own story and see if we can't fix it up a little bit with punctuation and whatnot.
Now, there is several things wrong with this sentence.
First things first, you need to put something behind sleep. Either a comma (,), question mark (?), exclamation mark (!), or if she is yelling a question, a question mark and exclamation mark (?!). Now, as far as I can tell this particular quote needs an exclamation mark, so let's put one in.
Now, remember how we talked about showing, not telling? You tell us that she's pacing around, so that's good. But we need a little more. When she yelled this, did she just yell? Or maybe it was more of a growl? Or maybe it was a groan? Also, why was she pacing back and forth through the house? For all we know, that could very well be the reason she can't sleep. I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't pace around when going to bed. That's just weird
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There we go, that's much better. Showing the reader that Twilight whines and throws her pillow at the wall shows her frustration. You don't just say that she's frustrated, you show us through her actions. It's much better than just typing
Alright, next up.
Here, you refer to Twilight as "The lavender unicorn". Don't do that. We know the characters. We know what they look like, we know what species they are. You don't need to refer to her as "the lavender unicorn". Don't be afraid to use her name. Unless your introducing a oc or something, you don't need to do this. Just call her Twilight (or Twilight Sparkle, depending on the situation).
Now, I don't want to make this into a full on edit of your story, so let's move on to Trixie's little bit. First things first.
This is unnecessary. Replace this with a horizontal rule. If you are using Fimfics own word processor, it's in the editing area alongside add link, insert image, insert youtube video, and quote. By using the horizontal rule, you are letting the reader know that the setting is changing. It could be a perspective change, a change in location, or dream sequence.
I recommend using the site's Writing guide, located at the FAQ section. It'll really help you out, heck, I still refer to it often.
Now, I there is one last thing I want to leave you with. Your little newspaper article. Brilliant. I loved it, and feel it was a very good idea. Reminds me of japanese light novels, where they would add one picture per chapter, a neat little touch. Did you make it yourself? Or did you find it? Either way, very nice.
This story has potential, and I do love me a good Twixie fic, so I'll be following. this. I will hold off on liking though.
3179810 You could always edit the chapter and put it in there. Instead of
You could easily put
3179936 Thank you for Telling me your own problems with it but if you didn't read my profile.
I never went to school, I teach myself my own stuff most of my life.
my spelling sucks, so does my grammar. my mum and dad hardly did anything for me though but they provided me with a job which did well a book store which gives me time to learn punctuation from reading books.
anyway the store is not making any money anymore so I have to work for free.
But thank you for your in site on the Fan Fic i just hope you can enjoy someones work who had no education from a poor family.
Also thanks for telling me about horizontal rule i shall use it now and sorry new to this website.
3179988 I was just trying to help, so excuse me. Yes, I read your profile, and I feel bad for you, but that doesn't mean I can't tell you how to improve. If you don't want to improve, fine, sorry I commented and tried to help.
3180019 I didn't mean to be rude, I just worded the last sentence wrong.
3180025
Oh. Well...sorry for that then, guess I took that the wrong way
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3180034 yeah this is why I should learn to word things more better. anyway I'll be sure to add what you said soon after I make all the chapters cause I'm kinda in chapter 1 but yeah i hope you have a nice day and hope you enjoyed the prologue.
Very interesting; can't wait for more. Keep up the good work, and remember that practice makes perfect!
Weird, some of your paragraphs are a bit...off. It almost looks like your starting a new paragraph mid sentence. Also I think you forgot the horizontal rule to separate perspective changes, that or it just didn't show up.
Anyways, it was a decent chapter.
3180287 Fix it tomorrow its 3:08 am iv been working on these 2 things for about uhh 4-5 hours so yeah and thank you for the comment on the new chapter.
Thank Celestia I reworded it or it would of came out bad again
I like the way Aura puts Trixie's wellbeing before his own. I hope they are just exaggerating and nothing really bad will happen to him. Their crimes aren't that grave after all.
You are overusing the word "as". Try splitting the sentences instead or use "and".
3180466 Since I'm having sleeping problems.
besides when I make the other thing about the off cast and fight scenes in the backstory of it, yeah it will tell you all the things you might of missed like fights, punishment and also I don't want to spoil more of it.
Thanks for the feed back and ill be sure to change it up a bit as chapter two
Right, your biggest thing is capitalizing the first word in a sentence. Do it more. Also like Corwin said, slow down a bit.
Yes, it is good for a first try. But the conversation Trixie and Twilight have could be a bit better. You see, Trixie became Twilight's friend a bit too quickly. Make Twiligh say something like "Yes, friend. If you want to me to be your friend." and it will be a bit better.
You forgot to actually say the name.
Generally focus on tenses. The story should be written either in past tense or present tense. Switching between them shatters the storytelling.
But in all seriousness, it's getting a bit better. I still recommend reading the FAQ's writing guide. Seriously, even the guys who get featured constantly on this sight needs to read it, that's how good it is.
3185170 Hmm good point, but it had to be a bit rushed for chapter 2 due to Its going to be at least about 4-5 days before chapter 3 is even going to be started due to work and stuff around the house and honestly since I seem to be getting a lot of things wrong every time i try something you some of you guys suggest is actually really off putting for the story but ill try my best to release the full thing despite it all.
i love it and no i don't you to make this nightmare official
3242010 Sure thing thanks for feed back it really means a lot and also the last bit is just for trolling reasons but still it brings a new element and can change the course of the entire story to make it longer and more adventure
3242021 Your welcome for the feed back and what would happen to twilight and twixie relationship if you made that nightmare official
3242039 Well, Lets see umm they could
>They could run away
>Turns into a romeo and Juliet kinda thing how they run away to be with each other
Really its just to try to make more chapter's EG say they did
Twilight slowly starts to cry as she ran out towards the hotel where shes staying as trixie was up with a headache and saw twilight crying. Trixie walked over to find out what was the problem as Twilight told her the whole story including the feeling for Trixie. Trixie lightly blushes as she comes up with a odd idea to run away to manehatten.
Or something along those lines
3242054 ok and i change my mind now i want that nightmare to be official
I don't think that nightmare would fit this story. You never hinted that Twilight is unsure about her orientation, it seemed she accepts it and doesn't fear it. This would be just out of a blue.
Few things to this chapter: The Boast Busters episode takes place before Winter Wrap up, so it really shouldn't be first day of spring. If it were, Twi would be organising Ponyville.
When you don't know what Twilight could do in the spare time, make her read something. It is natural pasttime for her.
It is unlikely that the hospital would have a book about clubs at the reception.
Otherwise it was a really nice chapter. You could have written more about that drink with drugs (like Twilight could yell at those stallions, protect Trixie and call guards) but the development of their relationship is delightfully playful.
Try writing the whole thing in past tense, it will flow better.
3243250 hehehehe I'm actually working on a chapter 3 bonus more like a ALT ending to it there is a bar fight in it as well.
And yes the last nightmare is kinda out of the blue but if you think about it, Twilight over analyses things ever day, the nightmare is just about basically how she likes mares and scared that her family and brother and so on don't accept her lifestyle so its kinda relevant to the story. and i might try past tense but yeah well see how it turns out. Thanks for the feed back and as always. Have a great day
3273539 It seems you are building up material for a family confrontation. The nightmare will definitely influence how Twi's relationship with Trixie develops but don't make Twilight talk about this with her family before she is determined to follow through with her relationship. She wouldn't address such issue if it weren't absolutely inevitable. (just a small pointer, disregard if you have other plans, but give it some thought.)
3274580 Well Seeming how shining saw twilight in a odd place and odd i don't really suggest so, i guess she might just talk to cadence about the whole thing and see how it plays out, or it could go slow really theres 3 ways this could go.
3291115 Talking with Cadance could work. She is a neutral party and princess of all love after all.
3291128 Welp seeming how your glad of this idea i know im heading in the right direction
Ooch. So rough. So, so rough. I like this story but you really need a proof-reader / editor.
You also might wanna use the author notes instead of putting them in the story itself.
3386903
Heh....When one ask's I'll accept.
I don't like to be the person who ask's everyone for things, I'm just not like that.
3764853 Fixed and thanks
The grammar... Somepony help me... -dies-
3772706 How to give zero fucks.
1.Meh, I expected a lot of people like you, honestly its quite fun seeing them complain about something I can't really be bucked to fix.
2.I think if you read my profile you would know why my grammar sucks,
3.LAWL! no one will help you. (Deal with it Trixie)
3780395 I can proof read if you want and fix any grammatical errors I find. Might help get less comments like that. And I wasn't complaining as much as I was trying to make a joke, and it seems to have failed. I would like to help you with the grammar though if you'll let me.
It's a shame to see such a good story littered with these mistakes
It's a very good story, but the constant mistakes really throw me off... If you would like I can download the fic and fix the mistakes for you seeing as you can't help it. You're idea's are amazing and it's just such a shame that not many people will read it because of all those mistakes.
So the offer still stands, I have a lot of editing experience as well as writing experience if you want me to help just say the word
(Since it bugs me so much I will fix it anyways just to make it legible for me, so either way I'm editing it but whether or not you want the edited copy to post is up to you)
4298355 Thank you sooo much ^_^ ummmm....a little sad that i need someone to fix it but at the same time really happy ^_^ and yes if you send me files or texts to my hotmail which I'm posting freely here blaze_cairo@hotmail.com ^_^ i will update the story's with your credit of cause if you're happy with that ^_^...though the problem with me is I have tons of ideas..but need a proof reader. if you would like to be one and help me that would be very nice ^_^ and of cause once again if you do I'll add your credits and so on ^_^..or if that's asking to much just thanks ^_^.... I like the ^_^ face >///<
4298749
I do this all the time anyways
Loved the story and would fix it with pleasure