The Prolouge
Hello People This is my first fan fic I ever did and also I'm not the best with my grammer I'm slowly learning so uhh yeah
Please Hope you Enjoy and remember first one so I will care about hash feedback.
This is also based on first trixie the one that run out of ponyville by the Ursa Minor so just keep that in mind
Also this contains a bit of gore, grim dark and more so yeah
~READER BEWARE~
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It was a dark night in Ponyville and everypony was in bed. All except one.
"Gahhh, I can't sleep" The lavender unicorn said as she was pacing back and forth through the house when she heard a walk down the stairs.
"Twilight?" Said the small dragon.
"What is it spike?" She looked at him with very tired eyes.
"You’ve been up for 4 nights now, I'm worried about you twilight" Spike said in a sleepily from waking up to the sounds of twilight mumbling and pacing on the floor downstairs in the library.
"I know spike... B-but I don't know why. Ever since that night Trixie ran out of Ponyville my hearts been telling me to make sure she’s alright and that I should find her. I mean she’s homeless right now…" The lavender unicorn started crying a bit knowing that something bad could have happened because of her.
"Look" Spike sighed "It's not your fault, she chose to run away and you had to help Ponyville.
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"I-I know... But I just keep hearing this voice..." She said pausing before she decided she will try and sleep again. As she walked up the stairs almost tripping from being sleep deprived from her fear of getting another nightmare. As she crawled into bed she slowly started to close her eyes feeling the soft bed and blankets wrapped around her as she slowly drifted off to sleep.
<><><><><>
Trixie has been running all night trying to get away from a wild manticore that had been chasing her for days. As she tripped on a rock, she could feel a sting go through her body. She got up and when looked over her body she saw cuts on almost every part. But then she noticed a light in the distance. She started to run towards the light noticing the manticore as he got closer. It could smell her blood and saw her scream in pain. The azure unicorn ran towards the light, limping as she felt every muscle in her body burning. She continued hoping that she could make it and.
*SNAP*
She fell face first into a mud puddle. Mud covering her body, the wounds hurt more as she just lay there, her body too weak to move. She heard a growl come up in front of her followed by a very hungry manticore licking its lips.
<><><><><>
Twilight woke up to the sound of Pinkie’s voice.
"Oohhh Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!" The pink pony said in her usual over enthusiastic manner while jumping up and down.
The sleepy unicorn rubbed her eye with a yawn before slowly bringing herself to a sitting position. "Morning" She said as she stretched.
"Rarity said she has something for you!" The pink earth pony said smiling warmly her muzzle inches away from the sleepy unicorn’s. As said unicorn got out of bed she went to her desk grabbing a brush with her magic.
"Umm Twilight... You don't look too good..." Pinkie said noticing the bags under her friends eyes.
"I'm fine, just a nightmare again" Twilight replied in a faint sleepy voice.
"That must’ve been one doozie of a nightmare!" The hyper pink pony gasped looking over the tired pony.
"Yes, it was..." The lavender pony got up once her mane was brushed. She then made her way down the stairs to her front door. "Time to go see what Rarity’s got." She said to herself before opening the door and making her way outside. She started walking through Ponyville though she kept getting this feeling that something was wrong. Once she had reached her friends shop, she gave the door a quick knock before opening it. Upon walking in she was greeted by Rarity who was placing dresses on the various mannequins on the bottom floor.
"Ohh, you arrived quickly" Rarity said in her regal tone.
"What did you call me for?" Twilight asked because Rarity hardly talked to her.
"Right! Remember that braggers cart?" The white unicorn said.
"You mean Trixies cart?" She replied obviously seeming unamused by her friends choice of words.
"Yes, well I recovered some things from it and I wanted to know if you could take them back to it’s original designer in Canterlot." Rarity said as her horn lit up and a purple cape and hat with blue and yellow stars were carried to her.
"Why?" The lavender mare wondered, when she noticed her heartbeat increased.
"Because, she’s obviously not coming back for them anytime soon. And maybe some other pony wants them, after all they do look marvellous" The white unicorn replied bringing the accessories to a bag. As she did so, the cape passed in front of Twilight’s muzzle and for some odd reason she sniffed it catching the scent of roses and chocolate. This made her heartbeat increase even more and she blushed when an image of the items owner passed her mind.
"A-alright" Twilight said slightly hypnotised. Once she had the bags she bid farewell and made her way back to the library. On her way home she caught a glimpse of something that was in the newspaper. Purchasing one to examine it further, she started to read it. Twilight's eyes shot open as she read the front page.
"WHAT!" She screamed her walk turning into a gallop when she started to cry believing she was the one responsible for her death by driving her away. It felt as if her heart had been torn right out of her chest, but she felt didn’t believe it, she couldn’t believe it! She took the cape out of the bag and held it in her hooves, tears coming down from her cheeks as the guilt of her actions kicked in. The sweet scent of roses and chocolate from the material slowly lulling her to sleep.
A MASSIVE SPECIAL THANKS TO Rainbowshy241 for helping correct this bit of the story, thank you sooo much ^_^ I don't know what do say but hey check Rainbowshy241
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It is a nice beginning although a bit slow one. Yet one thing troubles me about the part at Carousel Boutique. Rarity would never go and search through some debris, it would be too dirty work for her liking.
Also if you want, I could proofread for you. Just send me PM if you are interested.
3179785 She didn't I just forgot to add the rest of the part but what happened was that the pony's that went though the wreckage found the cape and hat, they knew that rarity is like the #1 pony for clothes so they got given to her, and thanks for the feed back this part will be explained in chapter 1
You know, I was almost scarred off by your summary for this story. Now that I've actually read this story, I'm not really sure how to feel. This little story of yours really needs some polishing. Your grammar needs work, though honestly I've seen much worse, and your descriptions are lacking. As a writer, you need to show us what's happening, not just tell us. Sound confusing? here, let's use an example.
Now, what is wrong with this sentence? There is no description. Makes it kind of hard to envision what's going on. Let's improve it, shall we?
Now, that's not perfect, but it does allow us to get a better idea of what's going on.
Now, let's use examples from your own story and see if we can't fix it up a little bit with punctuation and whatnot.
Now, there is several things wrong with this sentence.
First things first, you need to put something behind sleep. Either a comma (,), question mark (?), exclamation mark (!), or if she is yelling a question, a question mark and exclamation mark (?!). Now, as far as I can tell this particular quote needs an exclamation mark, so let's put one in.
Now, remember how we talked about showing, not telling? You tell us that she's pacing around, so that's good. But we need a little more. When she yelled this, did she just yell? Or maybe it was more of a growl? Or maybe it was a groan? Also, why was she pacing back and forth through the house? For all we know, that could very well be the reason she can't sleep. I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't pace around when going to bed. That's just weird
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There we go, that's much better. Showing the reader that Twilight whines and throws her pillow at the wall shows her frustration. You don't just say that she's frustrated, you show us through her actions. It's much better than just typing
Alright, next up.
Here, you refer to Twilight as "The lavender unicorn". Don't do that. We know the characters. We know what they look like, we know what species they are. You don't need to refer to her as "the lavender unicorn". Don't be afraid to use her name. Unless your introducing a oc or something, you don't need to do this. Just call her Twilight (or Twilight Sparkle, depending on the situation).
Now, I don't want to make this into a full on edit of your story, so let's move on to Trixie's little bit. First things first.
This is unnecessary. Replace this with a horizontal rule. If you are using Fimfics own word processor, it's in the editing area alongside add link, insert image, insert youtube video, and quote. By using the horizontal rule, you are letting the reader know that the setting is changing. It could be a perspective change, a change in location, or dream sequence.
I recommend using the site's Writing guide, located at the FAQ section. It'll really help you out, heck, I still refer to it often.
Now, I there is one last thing I want to leave you with. Your little newspaper article. Brilliant. I loved it, and feel it was a very good idea. Reminds me of japanese light novels, where they would add one picture per chapter, a neat little touch. Did you make it yourself? Or did you find it? Either way, very nice.
This story has potential, and I do love me a good Twixie fic, so I'll be following. this. I will hold off on liking though.
3179810 You could always edit the chapter and put it in there. Instead of
You could easily put
3179936 Thank you for Telling me your own problems with it but if you didn't read my profile.
I never went to school, I teach myself my own stuff most of my life.
my spelling sucks, so does my grammar. my mum and dad hardly did anything for me though but they provided me with a job which did well a book store which gives me time to learn punctuation from reading books.
anyway the store is not making any money anymore so I have to work for free.
But thank you for your in site on the Fan Fic i just hope you can enjoy someones work who had no education from a poor family.
Also thanks for telling me about horizontal rule i shall use it now and sorry new to this website.
3179988 I was just trying to help, so excuse me. Yes, I read your profile, and I feel bad for you, but that doesn't mean I can't tell you how to improve. If you don't want to improve, fine, sorry I commented and tried to help.
3180019 I didn't mean to be rude, I just worded the last sentence wrong.
3180025
Oh. Well...sorry for that then, guess I took that the wrong way
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3180034 yeah this is why I should learn to word things more better. anyway I'll be sure to add what you said soon after I make all the chapters cause I'm kinda in chapter 1 but yeah i hope you have a nice day and hope you enjoyed the prologue.
Very interesting; can't wait for more. Keep up the good work, and remember that practice makes perfect!
Right, your biggest thing is capitalizing the first word in a sentence. Do it more. Also like Corwin said, slow down a bit.