Sleeping in there beds during a strong storm their house is lifted out of the dirt and hurled into an unknown part of the land. Riak had studied all the stars that cover the world and he couldn't tell where he was. Hoping his daughter safe at home with her mother He sets out to find out where he is. He has spent over three years in a thick forest and evaded monsters beyond his imagination when a storm hits the land and somebody is thrown into him.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This seems more like a collection of ideas than an actual story, and needs a lot of cleanup. "lightning happened and we are now centaurs and was in a coma for a month, lets celabrate by going through the everfree forest" -- Things out of the blue like this is what makes it feel like a collection of ideas mashed together in a clunky way. Why have the <mature>, <sex> tags anyway? I didnt read anything that would qualify either tag. <teen> is all thats needed in this, maybe <everyone>
An editor would be invaluable for general sanity things like that.
Thank you Tiwake. I shall have my editor take a look at it. I welcome any impute you may have on my stories that I post in the future.
Mostly good, but you might want to describe the environment a bit more.
Your story wasn't bad, but you could utilize the resources such, as google or even this site to get more information about what the public likes. The story was good all in all but, it could be better if you commit yourself to using these resources around you. including the constructive criticism that you receive from this site. not trying to make you feel like your story is shit. But it could use some touch-ups.
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In hindsight, if you were to properly develop what I described as "a collection of ideas", then the fanfic would be at least double the amount of words, possibly triple. For example, Rainbow dash now as a centaur was having trouble finding her balance. It was good you mentioned this in the fanfic, but like all the other ideas mentioned, was not properly developed.
If you want some help with this, let me know... I wouldent mind going though at least some of it to set an example of what I'm saying.
>>Tiwake
I would love to have your help on this Ti. I know when I need help and I am still proud of my work but I would like for it to improve.
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So far I'm enjoying it! Though I'm sure sex can wait another chapter XD gotta have world and character building before you can have sex