Starfall

by TheRocketMan062

Spectre.

Unknown Vessel, Currently in orbit over Equis.

Several creatures were huddled in the small bridge of their ship. Their captain looked over the shoulders of his crewmates at their respective stations. He nodded, satisfied that everything was running smoothly.

"Watchmaker, status report." The Captain said in an exited tone. A pedestal near the Captains chair glowed a warm blue, and an image that resembled the creatures on the bridge appeared, holding a comically large watch in it's grip.

"You will not believe what I have found! I only wish you would allow me to run the sensor array at full power, who knows what else I would fi-"

"Watchmaker." The Captain interrupted. "You know full well why I dont want you running ANYTHING at full power. Now, what do they have in terms of space travel?"

Watchmaker snorted back a laugh. "It's hilarious, they don't even have a space port built, yet they clearly are intelligent enough and have the means to do so!"

"And how far along are they in terms of technology?" The Captain asked.

Watchmaker smiled. "Ah, now that's where it gets interesting. They have advanced technology, such as complex power grids, radio stations, research stations, hospitals etc. in some places, but in others...some of their towns don't even have a power grid, and others have completely rustic power grids, and I think some of them are using STEAM power."

The Captain rubbed his jaw, in deep thought. "That's...definitely odd. Keep an eye on them, let me know if anything else interesting pops up."

Watchmaker nodded, then disappeared.

"It's amazing." One of the bridge crew mumbled. "An entire civilization, untouched-" "And ripe for the picking." Another crewmate interrupted. "If the you-know-who find them, they will join them, either willingly or by force." The crewmate who spoke first shook his head. "Not if we make our move first."

"I agree." The Captain said. "Set a course back to Onyx."

The pedestal glowed again, and an annoyed looking Watchmaker appeared. "Sir, you just ordered me to continue observing, and now you want to leave?" The Captain nodded. Watchmaker rolled his eyes. "I'll never understand you carbon based life forms. Setting a course."

The vessel moved away from Equis, then disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Little did the Captain of the ship know, they had been spotted by a nearby probe as they moved to leave. Watchmaker however, had tapped into the probes systems and diverted its attention away from them.

With a single goal in mind, the ship flew deeper and deeper into space.

Comments

[EllysPerani]

NM, I just noticed that the site's search-by-tag function failed.

-(I just don't know what went wrong!)

[Verathuum]

I like it so far; I like how you cliffhang each chapter

[coltesque]

The dislikes don't lie, allow me to throw my two cents into the wishing well here. I'm just going to list off what I feel is wrong here:
*You've established that there is a secretive agency which does covert operations and space research... there are more problems here than I can describe, but I'll try:
- You can't establish a mature, covert environment without first establishing... well... the environment! what do they do, who are they, why are they here, who are these people we follow, why would Celestia ever dream of even considering allowing a branch of individuals this much power? What authority do they have in this government, why does it have a covert name that sounds an awful lot like something out of the U.S military branch???
- How can this group of intellectual spies ever dream of having the technology in this time period where the main forms of transportation are hay carts and tornadoes to funnel water, don't you think it would be smart to establish this before the big dilemma?
- Why would they possibly need this kind of technology when Magic is still a commonly used form of convenience for this society? Where and who is developing such technologies and why? Wouldn't somebody figure out that a giant rocket was launching into space, hell I don't even know if they have gunpowder in this universe, let alone enough technology to get something to space!

*Why did you give these OC's such unusual names, yet you hardly describe anything about them. Are these covert names? Are they living in civilization under disguise? Where do they work in this covert environment? Who do they work under, Celestia or another branch of power?

*The grammar is not refined, surprisingly, everything also felt really, really rushed! I had no idea what was going on, or why it matters, or who's involved in this and why?

*If you're going to take a serious tone, you need to establish WHY it needs to be serious. This is a pleasant, peaceful town of individuals, why would they ever need this kind of serious shenanigans if they have the Mane 6 covering the whole deal? Wouldn't Celestia be powerful enough herself to resolve these issues? It's off-putting how maturely this is viewed, especially since these things are never established.

I could go on, but I feel I've already gotten in my fair share of rambling . I don't mean this in an offensive way, I just want to see you improve because I loved your last story (The pyro goes to ponyville one I believe). If you need a serious toned story, then establish everything around it before turning up the mature dial to unachievable heights.

P.S: I'll still like to support you, since I am still a fan of your work.

[TheRocketMan062]

3032524
No worry's, I'm not offended, in fact, I'm glad that you summed this up for me! what this story is really is an experiment. I wanted to try out a few ideas i had bouncing around in my head ()
Obviously, I need to take this one back to the drawing board
I apologize to anypony who read this fic, this was an experimental fic after all. Dont worry, future fics and my past ones will not (and are not) going to be this bad.