For the first time in years, all is well.
Princess Luna has returned.
The spirit of chaos has been imprisoned. Permanently.
The mad king of the Crystal Empire has been deposed and replaced by the Princess of love and her husband.
The changelings have been all but driven out of Equestria.
A new Princess has been crowned.
All is well.
That is, it was.
But now, the stars are falling.
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NM, I just noticed that the site's search-by-tag function failed.
I like it so far; I like how you cliffhang each chapter
The dislikes don't lie, allow me to throw my two cents into the wishing well here. I'm just going to list off what I feel is wrong here:
*You've established that there is a secretive agency which does covert operations and space research... there are more problems here than I can describe, but I'll try:
- You can't establish a mature, covert environment without first establishing... well... the environment! what do they do, who are they, why are they here, who are these people we follow, why would Celestia ever dream of even considering allowing a branch of individuals this much power? What authority do they have in this government, why does it have a covert name that sounds an awful lot like something out of the U.S military branch???
- How can this group of intellectual spies ever dream of having the technology in this time period where the main forms of transportation are hay carts and tornadoes to funnel water, don't you think it would be smart to establish this before the big dilemma?
- Why would they possibly need this kind of technology when Magic is still a commonly used form of convenience for this society? Where and who is developing such technologies and why? Wouldn't somebody figure out that a giant rocket was launching into space, hell I don't even know if they have gunpowder in this universe, let alone enough technology to get something to space!
*Why did you give these OC's such unusual names, yet you hardly describe anything about them. Are these covert names? Are they living in civilization under disguise? Where do they work in this covert environment? Who do they work under, Celestia or another branch of power?
*The grammar is not refined, surprisingly, everything also felt really, really rushed! I had no idea what was going on, or why it matters, or who's involved in this and why?
*If you're going to take a serious tone, you need to establish WHY it needs to be serious. This is a pleasant, peaceful town of individuals, why would they ever need this kind of serious shenanigans if they have the Mane 6 covering the whole deal? Wouldn't Celestia be powerful enough herself to resolve these issues? It's off-putting how maturely this is viewed, especially since these things are never established.
I could go on, but I feel I've already gotten in my fair share of rambling
. I don't mean this in an offensive way, I just want to see you improve because I loved your last story (The pyro goes to ponyville one I believe). If you need a serious toned story, then establish everything around it before turning up the mature dial to unachievable heights.
P.S: I'll still like to support you, since I am still a fan of your work.
3032524
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No worry's, I'm not offended, in fact, I'm glad that you summed this up for me! what this story is really is an experiment. I wanted to try out a few ideas i had bouncing around in my head (
Obviously, I need to take this one back to the drawing board
I apologize to anypony who read this fic, this was an experimental fic after all. Dont worry, future fics and my past ones will not (and are not) going to be this bad.