Royal affection. Chapter 2
You awake on your bed after a good night of sleeping. After you and Celestia arrived back at the castle you both went your separate ways. Today was going to be good, no matter what Celestia had to do today; you were going to make sure it would be fun. With those thoughts you leave your room after washing up and putting on your clothes.
However when you arrive there, you notice that Philomena is sitting on the table but Celestia is not in the room. Instantly Philomena dashes towards you and lands on your shoulder. She always seemed very curious as to what you are and is now inspecting you as you resume your walk towards the table and sit down. It isn’t the first time this happened, every encounter you’ve had with this particular phoenix has led to her eyeing you carefully. This time she locks her eyes on your hands. Heh, crazy bird. I’ll just play along.
She flinches a bit when you start wiggling your fingers but she doesn’t fly away. Instead you could see the feathers on her head lift slightly. Is that some kind of invitation for me to pet her? Better be careful...
Slowly you move your hands up to her head. It was going good for a while but eventually the inevitable happens. She bit your thumb and she wasn’t planning to let go. If it wasn’t for the fact that she was the property of the ruler of the lands you reside in you would have probably strangled her.
Fighting against the excruciating pain in your left thumb you move your right hand up to her head and slowly begin to scratch underneath her feathers. Luckily, it worked. She closes her eyes and lets your thumb go. Afraid that if you stop the massage she might bite again you just continue the massage paying no attention at all to your sore thumb.
After a few minutes she finally has enough but instead of going away she spreads her wings. It takes you a moment to realize that what Philomena wants. Preening it is then...
You thought Philomena would eventually fly away but it has been 15 minutes now and you’re still preening her. Then finally princess Celestia walks into the room and Philomena flies away. Saved!
“Good Morning Celestia, I’m not used to see you being late for anything really.” you say.
“Good Morning Anonymous, I still had some business to attend to. I arranged a royal chamber for you to sleep in,” she says.
“I’m getting a new room? A royal chamber!?” you say excited.
“Indeed.”
“But why?” you know you really shouldn’t ask and just be happy with it but the desire to know why is too overwhelming.
“It’s the least I can do for my friend,” she says with a small smile.
You rush out of your chair and run over to Celestia stopping right in front of her and yanking her into a hug. The hug only lasts for a few seconds and when you release her you notice a mighty blush is present on her face. It was an adorable sight to see.
“W-why did you do that,” she stutters.
“Just a way of saying thank you.””
You both walk towards the table, sit down and grab the casual food you grab every day.
“So, what do you have planned for today,” you ask gobbling up your last pieces of bread. Celestia was already done eating a long time ago.
“Unfortunately I don’t have royal duties to perform today,” she answers.
“What about if we go for a walk in the royal garden?”
“I’d love to, Anonymous.” she says.
“Please, call me Anon. It makes me feel more comfortable.” you explain.
“Okay then, Anon. Shall we?” She says standing up and walking towards the door.
“Yeah let’s go.”
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Within the garden were only the finest looking plants in all of Equestria. It was a very peaceful and soothing place as the scent that roamed around this place seemed to make your head feel a bit numb.
“Anon, you shouldn’t spend time with me out of sympathy, that is not your duty. “She says looking over to you. Where did she get those thoughts?
“Celestia, I do not see this as my duty. I see this as spending time with the most beautiful mare I’ve ever seen and that just happens to be the ruler of Equestria. I’m your friend, let those thoughts out of your mind,” you say looking deep into her eyes trying to show your honesty.
Instead of responding she lunges forwards and wraps her wings around you. She was very soft and her warmth seemed to stream through your body. Realizing this was some kind of hug you put your arms around her as well.
“Thank you Anon.” she whispers.
“That’s what friends are for.” When you release Celestia you are surrounded by a blinding light. What the? After your vision returns you are in an unfamiliar room with Celestia standing next to you.
“Where are we?” you ask confused.
“This is your new room, Anon. I hope you like it.” She says.
Damn, it was huge! There was a bed in the right corner that was easily big enough for 3 grown men. It also had more accessories than your other room. This one had a couch, a bookcase, a table surrounded by chairs and a desk with multiple quills and paper on it. The desk stood in front of a massive window through which you could see all of Canterlot and its beauty.
“What's behind that door?” you ask.
“Why don’t you take a look?” She says smiling.
You walk over to the door and turn the doorknob. Behind the door were dozens of different equestrian wines and other beverages, from simple apple cider to the finest of all.
“You may drink all you want as it is refilled every week.” Celestia says trotting over to you. Near unlimited drinking? Niiiceee.
“I have an Idea.” you say grabbing a random bottle.
I wish to read it now, but I'm a tad bit busy at the moment.
Also
I didn't point this out because I'm a jerk, I pointed out just because it was out in the open. Feel free to delete this comment when you correct it.
Interesting...
I'll give a full comment once you hit the lovey dovey stuff
3011518
In the description, the above error ought to be "established".
Next time you attempt to edit, perhaps you should point out where the error is, so the author doesn't look in the wrong place or have to find a needle in a haystack.
3011513
Dealing with alien life forms? Zombies? Demons? Terrorist cells?
3011586
No. I'm trying to find the Doctor so I can tell him he left his sonic screwdriver in my garage.
3011518
Thanks for noticing.
My story got rejected at first because the description was lacking. That caused me to quickly write whatever popped up in my mind without reading it afterwards. I'll use that as an excuse for any further grammar errors you find
You had better have a drunk celestia scene planned.
Drunk celestia is best celestia
Also this story is very nice, please continue
3011595
Ooh, good luck. He's hard to find. Perhaps you should just hold onto it until he comes looking... keep it safe, that kind of thing...
Loving this story so far
another one with the same quality excellent
One day you decide it's time to change it all. Instead of minding your own business, you accompany Celestia to wherever she needs to go to. A bond is certainly being established...But what kind of bond?
My first attempt at a multichapter story. Celestia has been requested a lot of times for a heartwarming moment but as soon as I began, I realized something. I wasn't able to make a one shot out of it without breaking the story. Because of that, this will be the first story I've written with more than one chapter.
I have no idea how long it will be and chapters will probably be posted once every two days.
3012059
Wow, thanks for editing my description. Saves me some trouble
3012065 No problem. As you know, a description can make or break a story, especially if there's errors on them. Most of the time I don't even spare them a second glance before moving on.
Celestia and alcohol...
...
The details start to get a bit fuzzy after the 7th or 13th bottle, but I'm almost positive Luna was sent to the moon... again.
Royal drinking contest!
GO!!!
Really nice job. Looking forward to seeing the next chapter.
3012174
Or the sun
3012793
Don't get me wrong as I truly value your opinion.
The problem is that I do this for my followers. They came because of my second person stories with anonymous in it, that is why I keep it this way.
Seeing as this got in to the featured box (turn off view mature) I'm considering doing a third person story to gain a bigger crowd. But as for now, I'm sticking with my basics.
Alcohol...
...this can't get any better ^_^.
Looks interesting, i will keep my Eye on this fic.
This is subpar quality, at best. In 2nd person narrative, you can use contractions. Don't really see any here. Typically it's 3rd person you don't want it in the narrative, as there is no set speaker. But, with both 1st and 2nd POV, they're fine. It's 'Your' brain doing the narration, and we think in contractions. EDIT - Consistency. You have some instances where they're used, but others where they aren't.
More capitalization errors. Hell, it's in the Chapter Heading in the text body. Also, you have “I have an Idea.” Another improper use of capitalization.
Disbarring the fact that this is a crappy 2nd person POV story, you really need to get an editor. Commas are missing all over the place, you have some issues with capitalization, etc. Your story still reads extremely clipped, even moreso than one's thought trail would be. It's a mere 2,000 words, not enough to really do anything with. 1st and 2nd person POV stories should be on the longer side, as the thoughts are all spelled out.
Honestly, just looked at your story list. For only writing 2nd person POV stories, one would think you would have a slightly better understanding of these facts for them. Shame on your readers for not pointing out the obvious, or shame on you for not listening to them. Either way, this is extremely poor writing, all things considered.
Great story so far. Hope to see awesome chapters in the future!
Gotta say I'm a fan of your fics, but when I read that this was a multi-chapter story, all I thought was "finally." Every fic seems like a really good teaser for a longer story that never gets written.
As for the story itself, it's a really good set up and it'll be interesting to see where it goes from here.
Ooo, alcohol. Time to see celestia speak out of her mind to anon~
global3.memecdn.com/I-suggest-we-drink-before-we-go-out-drinking_o_95966.jpg
I was sold after reading this chapter. Great story.
i.imgur.com/3FhxPQF.gif
Well that was a weird way to end the chapter.
3014974
and this year picture related to story goes to this guy congratulations
3015038
*GASP* i.imgur.com/UuEIHhE.gif Me?!
3015137
yeppers peppers *gives golden epic fountain full of milk chocolate that is edible even by people who are allergic* Ta Da(peter griffin Ta Da)
3015241
i.imgur.com/DN8i7V8.gif Aw yiss!
Yes! Another Celestia romance fic, and it's second person for the most part. These are pretty rare to come by, buti always enjoy reading them.
3013930
Hmm, I thought that you wouldn't read my stories because the character was named Anon
Anyways, maybe this story got featured because not everyone looks at this the way you do. Some people actually do like it.
I got an Editor yesterday but that was after I already posted the story.
Indeed all my stories are in second person but I didn't start writing so long ago. (I'm a newbie)
Thanks for the constructive critisicm.
3015786
Was voicing my disgust with the name Anon, and then since I was already reading, kept at it.
I know I came off as a bit of a douche, so I'll apologize for that. However, it's good to hear that you've gotten an editor, if they're competent they will help you learn a lot as you work with whoever it is. The key is that they point out the problems and leave the corrections to you. Otherwise, you won't learn anything and it's ultimately pointless for you.
I'd say you should give 3rd or 1st person a spin. Which one ultimately depends on how you want to let readers see the characters. 2nd person is [mostly] seen as the extremely inexperienced folks destroying everything 'sacred' about writing in all the wrong ways. Inheritently speaking, it's not the best view to write from, as the focus is narrow, and you have to specifically keep the verbage vague and well written enough that the reader can immerse themself and see the story from their eyes. Honestly, assigning a name in a 2nd person story in general is kinda bad, it's another thing that blocks the reader from seeing the story from the character's POV, which is the whole purpose.
Don't normally do this, but, although I'm not the best writer out there, if you ever need general tips and whatnot, feel free to send me a PM with whatever questions you might have. With some work and moving away from the 2nd person POV, I'd look forward to something like that.
3015541
It's not lazyness. I simply write everything for the Anon in equestria group.
For some reason, reading Jeff the Killer wasn't scary, but seeing drawings, artwork, and pictures of his face scare me unbelievably.
I'm talking to you; Legendoflink.
:imwatchingyou:
The dialogue is awkward in a lot of places. It seems like you're trying to have them speak formally, but you're inconsistent about it. Sometimes Anonymous sounds more dignified than Celestia, other times the reverse. Sometimes you're going out of your way to avoid contractions in a way almost reminiscent of Data from Star Trek, then in the next sentence you have them lapse into low class slang.
Dialogue needs to be cleaned up. It's awkward enough that it's distracting.
3016220
How I see it:
Anonymous and Celestia currently do not know if they should speak formally to each other or not.
They are friends, ofcourse. But she remains royalty, no matter how you look at it
3016226
Then have her speak like royalty. The story is littered with extremely middle class american expressions. "I'm fine." "No problem." "Catch up."
The issue is not one of familiarity. It's word and idiom choice. And yet despite using expressions like these, again...you're very obviously trying to make them sound more regal, but you're not quite succeeding.
To give you an analogy, imagine if I wrote that Celestia said "Sup, man? Would you care for a spot of tea? Oh my goodness, I daresay I've poured too much. That's like, totally lame how it got on your britches. Oh dear me, look at the time. I must be off, Ta ta, and later dude."
Do you see the back and forth? There's an inconsistency of word choice and phrasing. That's the feeling I get from this story.
3016243
I understand what you mean now. Could be just me, but if someone wrote like that I would find it hilarious.
Thanks for noticing, I'll see if I can get my editor to help me with that.
Booze!
Side note, for some reason, this song popped into my head for the end:
3013930 much agreed with this critique.
I would say that I would be turned off by the 2nd POV, but for me, it was the deserted feel this story gave to us readers, due to the lack of any kind of description and any characters other than Celestia and Anon. (I would count Philomena as a character, but her part was mostly a comedic scene with no dialogue and barely any insight to the backstory)
I find it strange though, because I usually complain about the exact opposite, although I guess there has to be some kind of balance between what should be described and what shouldn't.
Plus, there wasn't much focus here on the characters as much as on what they said / did, which makes sense, but, we aren't familiar with our characters just yet (maybe except Celestia, I guess? but in fanfiction, someone like Celestia falls under different interpretations in a few small or big places, much like any other character from the show). I'd also imagine that with skimping through how they met and their first weeks / months / years, you'd have some kind of backstory in between the lines being told by the character, but it was always focused on the present and that just didn't help my questions of how everything fell into place.
but what I think killed the experience for me was how heavy handed most some moments were in this story. I just can't stand reading through lines that explain not the scene, but the emotions you're supposed to feel. I like a little bit of poetry in my stories and sometimes even, leaving parts for the reader to interpret. That kind of play on expectations makes a story exciting to read and gives a reader something, or a lot of things to think about.
Maybe this is because of the 2nd POV story telling, still, I think something could have been done better here than "That was awesome", or "that was amazing", or, "I've never seen anything more incredible!"..
It honestly reminds me of Little Nemo's incredible dialogue from the movie adaptation..
As it is, this story felt too simple for my taste, so I don't hate it, but I can't like it either..
3016295
Good job fine sir.
I really appreciate that you're not like the people that simply dislike and move on.
You actually took the time to tell me what I'm doing wrong and such and for that I thank you.
(Ps, I would have never thought this would get so much attention let alone that it would be featured!)
3016330 Thanks for not taking my comment with venom. I know it's hard and I won't try to sugar coat what kind of responsibility falls under writers who do aspire to better themselves, so I greatly appreciate that you didn't feel offended by my comment.
Any who, like I said before, I'm more neutral in my opinion of the story despite all the feedback offered. This is the kind of story I'd want to like, but can't.
I think I'll probably be reading through it to see where it goes. That's a bit of a sin from my part, but I rarely find something of interest in fics like this one.
3013868
If you don't mind spacecowboy I would like to tell you what Anon means to a writer like myself *Not speaking for the author here, just my honest opinion.* I personally think that some people give Anon a little too much flak and I despise when commenters say that writers only use the name Anon because they “Lack creativity”, as if it isn't hard to just google a name. Personally to me Anon is exactly as we represent him. A faceless character that we all can relate to in one way or another.
Now I look to give my readers a more personal feel to the world I create. I use Anon as a stand in for their own likeness in the scenarios that follow. Though you can feel and relate to a generic character like Bob or Bill. I feel Anon has a even better connection, because he is so faceless. I can believe Anon could be me, because he doesn't even know himself.
Don't even get me started on the terrible 2nd person “you” fics that actually name the character Rick, last I checked my name isn't Rick! That is why I think there will always be a place for Anon in fanfics. He is you and there is nothing that can change that. Sorry if I bored you with my little rant but I feel people dislike Anon for all the wrong reasons.
Having said that. This fic, yeah, it needs a ton of work and above all needs LONGER CHAPTERS. I am not sure why all fanfics writers think short chapters are good, but they aren't. I think the minimum should at least be 2-3k words. Then again, thats just me.
Anyways... See you later spacecowboy
*heh, see what I did there?*
3016739
I feel that, if using the name Anonymous/Anon/Any variation thereof within a 2nd person POV story, it could easily be argued that the writer could instead write the story in such a manner to leave any name completely out of the equation. I know it's still a "popular" thing to do on sites like 4chan, but this isn't that. THAT is why I completely dislike Anon and variations of it for a name. If you, as a writer, want me to be able to put myself in a character's shoes, the more vague with details about the perspective, the better.
Of course, the argument of "where does too vague start to hurt?" is something for a completely different discussion and is more the writer's skill at play than anything else.
And witty. I see what you did thar!
I wonder if there is a bottle of Domaine de la Romaneigh-Canter '69?
Personally, My/Anonymous's/ Your room seems excessive. Though I would not mind having that cellar.
I cannot stomach the name "Anonymous". It brings up bad memories.
So, anyway, ahem. The story is still too short for me to do a comprehensive review upon, but I will make some marks.
First, grammar in the first rewritten chapter was fairly good. I didn't notice any errors off hand. This chapter, however, seems rushed in terms of grammar. Your major flaw, it seems, is capitalization. You're capitalizing the wrong things, and lowercasing the wrong things. It's fairly consistent too. You're also making the questions (or things that could pass as a question), end in a comma. This makes it sound like the character is saying it in a flat, bored tone. Don't be afraid to use question marks and exclamation points for those really surprising things. Anything that fazes Celestia warrants at least one.
Celestia is growing rather popular it seems since I left the fandom. When I left it was all about Luna or the Six, so this is a rather nice change of pace. Of course, humanxpony is a bit... squicky for me, but as long as you don't make it too graphic, I'll live. This warrants at least part of my attention.