I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid. Those lines kept repeating themselves over and over again as you sprinted through the massive halls of the canterlot castle.
If I could kiss her before, why can't I kiss her now?. And if she could accept me, why couldn't I accept her!? Each time you thought about it, the decisions you made kept becoming more painful and started to sound more stupid each time.
I'm going to set things straight now though, I'm going to tell her how I feel and I'm going to hug her and, and - Your thoughts were cut off by hoofsteps sounding from the other side of the building. Slowly and elegantly the mare you were looking for trotted through the hallways.
But what if she doesn't want me back...
She seemed to notice you as you both made eye contact. What frightened you was that she had her pokerface back. This time it felt colder, though...
"Greetings, Anonymous." She spoke first. Crap, my full name.
"Oh eh, he- hi, pr- eh Celestia." Not even one meaningful word was able to escape your mouth as you failed miserably in the most simple of greetings.
With this small exchange of words Celestia started to walk again as she broke eye contact and stared straight forward. She probably wasn't planning on reïnitiating the conversation, If you could even call it that.
"W-wait I need to talk to you Celestia," you spoke quickly. Luckily, she stopped, she didn't answer though.Well it wasn't really a question...
"I'm sorry, Celestia... I... " Again you were at loss of words. "I'm so sorry, I mean I-" Celestia cut you off this time.
"Apology accepted," She spoke as she started walking again. Again, it sounded so cold. You weren't sure of what you had to do, should you persist? Do you have to confess? Did she truly forgive you? Time was ticking as she already had passed you and the distance between you two was slowly increasing.
"I love you..." Were the words that came out of your mouth, the words were broken, muffled, monotone... Yet it was truly all you had to say. Celestia stopped right in her tracks once more, giving you a small sliver of hope.
"H-how can you still speak those words..." Her voice cracked slightly at the beginning but she quickly regained her composure as she finished the sentence.
"I made a huge mistake, I really do love you Celestia, it only took me a while to real-" She cut you off.
"Liar! You've spoken those words before, but you... You..." This time she was unable to keep calm as a tear trickled down her face. "Y-you told me you loved me, you held me, you kissed me... People who love each other don't hurt each other A-anon... Yet... yet you broke me... It really hurt Anon..." You could feel the emotion in the words she spoke, you really did hurt her.
"I need you... I'm sorry," You spoke again, trying your best to think of something, but being unable to.
"Liar Liar Liar! How can I know you won't hurt me again... H-how can I know you won't just run off again... Leave me alone again... " Her tears were forming faster and seeing her like this wasn’t doing you any good either.
Instead of responding you started to walk towards her, you had no idea what to do, but you wanted to embrace her, cheer her up. Anything but looking at her like this was good for the moment.
You didn’t actually get the chance though, right before you were going to make contact, she spoke up.
“I-I can’t...”And with that she disappeared right in front of your eyes, no trail of smoke, no flashing light. Even if her horn was actually glowing, you wouldn’t have noticed it anyway. All that was left was you with one arm in the air. As you slowly let your arm fall, you let out a defeated sigh.
“I guess I lost, then.” The words you spoke were cold, but you were burning on the inside. You could feel sadness slowly building up inside you as you turned around and started to make your way back to your room.
A flash of light from behind stopped you right in your tracks. Maybe she came back. With a small bit of hope you turned around as quick as you could.
“Celestia you came ba-” Instead of being greeted by the sight of Celestia, Luna was the one who had appeared behind you.
“Too good to be true anyways...” You weren’t really in the mood for another deep conversation so you just turned around and started walking again.
“Where art thou going, Anon.” You could hear her regal voice speak from behind you.
“I don’t know, to my room probably. Somewhere I can slip down into depression in peace.” You spoke in monotone, not really caring anymore.
“Fool, our sister is giving thee a chance. Why ruin this opportunity?” She spoke slightly irritated.
“A chance? Did you actually see what happened right there? She rejected me, to the face actually. It was a simple ‘no’, she didn’t give me a chance.”
“She told thee that she lacked trust. Show her that she can trust thee, show her that thou can love her once more. Our sister is in her room, we cannot force thee, but know that thou are not allowed to make any more of mistakes if you still wish to regain the heart of our sister,”
You didn’t know what to say, you knew that Luna was right though. If you wanted to set things straight, you couldn’t make any more mistakes. Each one you made was a stab in an open wound from now on.
“Okay, I’ll try once more.” You responded. A small smile appeared on Luna’s face as her horn started glowing.
“I wish thee luck, young Anon.” Suddenly the glow started to make it’s way towards you and started to spread throughout your whole body.
“Wait what are you-” Suddenly you were sitting in the hallway towards Celestia’s room. Why you were actually ‘sitting’ in the hallway was something that confused you, but the teleporting itself was actually quite amusing.
You could see the door that lead into her room from where you were, and the guards who stood before it... Well, thanks Luna... You quickly stand up and dash towards a pillar, hoping you haven't been noticed by the guards yet.
Okay, how am I going to get to celestia?
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5374744
Thanks for the feedback!
It's hard not having an editor :(, If you remember any of the mistakes could you please tell me what they were? I can fix them that way
5374876
I almost spoiled stuff for you in the previous reply I made. Anyways, you're at chapter 5 of the 9, all I can say is : Read on. There is a lot more to come and not all is fun and games, there is most definetly a conflict.
This alt ending....it sounds interesting...
IT UPDATED!?
HOLY MOTHER!
IT UPDATED!
YES! YES! SWEET MOTHER YES!
I've been waiting ages...
Nice chapter, but there are a few times where you forgot to capitalize Luna's name.
New Chapter!
aaaaand its over.
5376098
Thanks for pointing out the mistake
I'll fix it now.
And so it nears its end....I can't wait for the next chapter! Though I have a feeling that the Luna alt ending may have a slight case of feels.
i've read this up to date and i must say i'm not disappointed
stay classy
Wooo! Finally
i love it it reminds me of the song numa numa
匿名の、それはタオルで投げると、ちょうどあなたがあなたがすることができる他に何もめちゃくちゃないという事実を受け入れるする時が来た
I randomly bumped into your work and I was automatically hooked on it. Everything was so bueatifully written and made the reader feel like they were actually in the story. Right now I'm just on the verge of my seat, desperately and impatiently waiting for the countinuation of this amazing fiction.
I found this story very interesting. I can't wait to read the rest of it? I'm also interested in a story where Anon is pair with either Trixie or Princess Luna.
Brah!
Is the title of the next chapter: how the buck I'm going to fix this
Sorry for the language. any updates of this story
Wait, this is near the ending?
But, there's been pretty much no interaction between him and Celestia. Why, after showing so many great moments between the two of them while they were friends, did you suddenly decide to pretty much remove all of those interactions the moment they confess in favor of throwing in drama?
This story was so much better before all this needless drama was added.
5890775
Like you said, this story was so much better before the drama, it was interesting and I wanted to see how the relationship between anon and Celestia progressed, then it changed. They immediately tried to become a couple only to have it fail, now there going to go back together. This is playing out like the failing relationship of two teens rather than fully mature adults.
5973533
I don't know. The stupidity and ridiculousness of this conflict goes beyond two teens not knowing how to act in a relationship. This would be the equivalent of two mature adults entering a relationship, only for one of them to suffer plot-induced-brain failure and suddenly think their partner has turned into a dog, or something.
5890775
5973533
I get where you guys are coming from, and I totally understand why. But please note that I'm a 17 year old Fanfiction writer, whose main language isn't even English. I'm sorry but if you were looking for professional writing I can't help you with that
Everything I know is because of reading other fanfics and spending time on the internet. On the school I attend we do have english lessons, but it's just for basic understanding, reading and being able to communicate with other people, we don't read books or write essays like they do in natively english speaking countries.
On top of that, I am unaware of what I am actually doing and simply write what comes to mind at that moment, I don't have a general plan. All I do, is write what poppes up in my mind. At that particular moment in the story that dissapointed you, I was thinking that it was becoming too much of a mary sue, so I added some drama. That's just what seemed best in my opinion at that moment.
I do like that you guys were enjoying the story in the beginning atleast, and I'm very glad you took your time to write down your opinions so precisely. However, what's done is done and I can't change that now anymore.
I'll try and do better in the future, but for now, I'm sorry this story didn't turn out how you wanted it to be
5994540
Wait, you're native language isn't English? And you're only 17?
That's actually very impressive. I mentioned this before, but the only problem I had was with the characterization near the end. Everything else such as spelling, grammar, descriptions, and other such things have been amazing, and I never would have thought that English wasn't your native language. Not only that, but having this quality of writing at just 17 is great. That's seriously impressive.
To be honest, I thought that might have been the case. While it is true that you can't really plan out a story from start to finish without changing a few things along the way, it is still generally a good idea to have a rough outline in mind to avoid problems like this. Have you considered getting a proofreader to help you? There are several groups on this site with proofreaders, and even if you do not need help with spelling and grammar, they could still help you with planning things out.
In this case, my advice to you would be to keep characterization in mind when coming up with plans for the story. In this case, you thought he was becoming a mary sue. Actually, I did not get that impression at all. The way this story was started meant that what would have really worked well would have been to show them slowly building up their relationship after the confession, and generally keep it slice-of-life. The problem this story had was that, as you said, you felt there was not enough conflict, so you had him suddenly see Celestia as an animal. The reason this is a problem is that, while it did introduce a conflict, it was a completely artificial conflict. Up to that point, there was nothing to indicate that he even remotely saw them as animals. Just the opposite in fact, as there were several times he thought about how attractive he considered Celestia. When the conflict was brought in, it completely went against everything we knew about the character up to that point, which is why several people (myself included) criticized it.
What was worse was the fact that, since the conflict itself felt so artificial, the chapters following it (where it was dealt with) felt pointless, since everything holding the conflict up felt fake. Think of it like this; if I cannot care about the conflict, then how can I care about the following chapters where that conflict gets resolved? The only thing I could think of while reading how he was getting over the way he saw Celestia pretty much amount to, "It is nice that he has finally got over his ridiculous problem, but it should never have been a problem in the first place.
Still, I can still say that I am certainly impressed by how well you write. Honestly it seems like your only problem right now is making out rough plans for the story, and taking characterization into consideration while making those plans. All that said, I am sure that you will keep improving, and good luck on your future stories (which I hope you consider doing)!
Damn it's hard to find good live fics
Don't give up. At least Finnish this story. I thought it was good. Better than mine lol. I think it will turn out great. Keep up the good worl
Anon sure is fast to accepting surrender... Just good Luna has his back