The skies darkened and thunder loomed over the horizon. Light rain began to fall on the rocky hillside I found myself on. I kept thinking to myself, "I shouldn't feel so out of place here. I did the training, I became the soldier they needed me to be, but here, i keep asking myself why I'm having trouble applying myself. A war is a war, and as a soldier I fight." I fight with guns, with my bare hands, none of this has changed...." A flash of lightning illuminated the hillside, and i could see Rainbow Dash with Applejack setting up the Anti-tank Rifle. "so why, being in Equestria, do i find it hard to fight?"
Chapters (3)
Needs a Human tag, brah
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oh i haven't put one? could have sworn i did. thank you for pointing out that mistake.
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it has been rectified
Way to go Chuck Norris!
i.imgur.com/welMSRg.jpg
In all fairness out of the stories that I have read, this has the smoothest transition between Earth and My Little Pony. Just remember how good or not good your character is at fighting to keep consistency. I will check up on this story from time to time to see how it is coming along. I am interested in reading more.
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i do have a question about "i blew it" on the second quote from the story. im not sure i follow what the error was. Could you help me see it better?
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Sure thing. Your main character in one scene pulls off an amazing feat of acrobatics. Transitioning from disarming, to shooting, to recovering from missing, to jabbing, to "using the momentum" from the jab to pull off, not just a front kick or another barrel thump, a "roundhouse" kick. That is impressive. Having been through numerous combative classes and even some combat and i have never once seen anyone do a roundhouse kick. Not to say it isn't possible (and who knows what physics there are on a planet with talking magical flying ponies) but it is the way you transition the character. You go from Chuck Norris to high school punk in a matter of a chapter.
What happened to his elite-roundhouse-fighting skills? What happened to him between:
and
From the first statement i would have assumed that the character would have said something more along the line of:
"Too bad it died so easily, I wanted to have more fun."
Just out of curiosity, why do you think your character learned how to roundhouse kick in the first place?
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oh i see now what you mean. well as for the roundhouse kick, i couldn't find the correct name for a kick done in rapid succession with another previous move, so roundhouse kick came to mind, since i saw one executed and thought it possible. for the part of fighting the timberwolf, as a soldier he's not used to fighting giant hostile creatures, so "beating" one would prove more of a challenge. although the sentence does give off that vibe....maybe i should modify it, so it doesn't seem that way. unless you think i should leave it as is.
On second thought, i really liked what you suggested. would you mind if i used it? it does go better then what i had originally put.
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You are welcome to anything I have said.
If you are looking for a kick that can be quickly done and disable an attacker I would recommend a standard front kick. I have seen it used with a variety of success ranging from tipping the kicker backwardsto breaking the targets ribs. Its not flashy and you wont be winning kung fu fights with it but it works.
Edit:
The front kick works best on knee caps.
Not bad, not bad. My only issue is that you jump from past tense to present tense and back again within the space of a paragraph or two. Other that that, a few minor grammatical errors here and there, but all in all pretty good.
Well, it has been a while since I try to make a comment review to help a writer and by god is that true, but you seem to have caught my attention since you have placed your story with 12 likes on the Good HIE list at 12AM at night, or is it the morning after? Ah, doesn't matter.
There's a lot to read off this story, especially the beginners attempt of writing. I see it all; clichés, redundancies, some writing sequences fails. But it all comes in the field of learning the system of placing your ideas on paper, or in this case digital paper. I'm going to go as far as I can to give you pointers of things and we'll see what we can do from there. I may rant on logic falls, but bear with me.
This is the first sentence and there's redundancies and logic fail in wording, and some things you learn only in the writing or reading of stories. Now first things first, i’s and I's I can see it's placed on some, but it's missed on others. 'I sat in my bed' is redounding the issue/repeating the object. This could be used if many objects have been showed between the lines but as you already spoke of the bed, people can understand that you sit on 'it', unless you thought people could be confused about sitting on the night. But that's impossible. And you say sat 'on' not 'in', as that would sound as if you sat inside the bed.
Another thing to notice is that you split the sentence in the middle of its use making it sound clunky.
The 'I unsure' would be seen on bad acting, but in writing is an author unused of using the "I'm' or 'I am' way. Then there's the sentence itself. Switching from present to past is a MAYOR common thing in beginning writing, it's common as ideas flow whichever moment they come, making the author write it in that time specifically. Making obvious that for a reader, this would be a hurt to confusion.
'Weeks' time', not week's time, I don't believe Week is a character... unless it is!
There's many errors in the conversation, more of setting than the dialogue itself, you place the description before the dialogue and that goes with the theme, but the sentences are both completely separated, these are in the same paragraph, so place them as such.
Wow, wasn't this a quick transition, all this calm and character showing and we can't even see the way of thinking of this guy of the stereotypical thinking to the actual thinking. What a wasted potential.
This is not really a 'dialogue moment kind of thing 'really childish show that I think I liked', it would be a thought of sorts, but thinking out loud ALL this way up to this point was never presented, and the thinking before was WAY more serious.
This is excellent foreshadowing for the terror that is... having feelings for Twilight the moment they get to know each other. Oh god will I facepalm if it actually happens.
Alright, as a first chapter we find of his position, not his intelligence, nor emotions, nor knowledge, just one simple decision and the finding of MLPFIM GEN4, not bad for a first chapter, but due to its direction I was believing it would go through his thoughts instead of only the reasons behind them. But let's see where we are heading.
Chapter, Two.
Again with the redundancy, if this is common, then I will take it as your style and say now that this irritates many veteran readers.
And it's done one sentence later.
You're not Dr. Seuss.
'That it rather small' is missing the 'is'. You can place it as it's. But I've notice that this whole beginning is in present text, which I don't find often as many detest it since it's to recognize that the story is being narrated and once told it's in the past. Some readers that I've met felt overwhelmed by this kind of narration. But that's just them.
She began what crying?
You seriously need to avoid expressing the same thing in the same sentence, and yes, words in between commas are in the same sentence.
And overhead, not ‘over head’.
Ahh, human teleported into Equestria by selfish unicorn cliché, how I didn't miss you. And there's another MAYOR LOGIC FLAW here, but I have the patience to wait for the ending of it to talk about it.
What? This? Not yet, wait another paragraph.
Hmm? You heard the lady, a little more.
And here it is. And just to make sure it's understood, this is what followed.
Alright, this could be a logic flaw in your story, don't panic, things can work out.
Now, I don't have to be an expert of anything to tell that anything about teleportation falls into very hard spells to do with mayor concentration and energy. And not only does Trixie think of others saving her instead of teleporting away, but she has already said...
I understand she expressed that she couldn't block the mortars forever, but it's easier to rip the fabric of space and time and bring something than to move oneself away? And even if she doesn't understand how teleportation works it has no bounds to reason, as making something come to you is the same as moving you away. Especially since what she's bringing is much bigger than herself.
But this is your story. You control the facets of logic and reason, so I'll just point it out and move on.
Again, choose which kind of narration. The first was first person and past narration, but the marked one is third person and by omnipotent narrator.
And is it me or this guy just woke up standing on a bunker and he had no reaction to it. I could understand if he appeared on a bed or in the middle of a dream which we can't know, but this? It's a little none reactive for any believable person.
No capital here, there's many ways of placing the Ellipse, (the three periods) but it none of those you end with a capitalized sentence next to it. Only in the use of the Ellipse plus period (for a total of four dots) in the English language.
This would be a good moment for first person description to reason the happening for this conclusion to be made.
But it's forgotten after it passes. Another waste to understand the way his mind works. And that's bad if we are going to be on it for the whole story.
How not? Does the mortar yell that it's about to shoot? I understand about the tooting sound that comes from falling objects but that's in a cartoonish understanding, which I believe this guy is not from. Especially if military. And even then there was no description of what these 'signs' of falling morters were on the beginning.
Wasn't he JUST questioning the fact that maybe a body under rubble wasn't using his uniform? I thought that would be the first thing to look at when talking about something.
This is seriously thoughts over 'words', this character has been place as an out loud talker. Proceed.
The next part has so much wrong. First is the obvious about his reactions to everything, they seem dulled down off anything human. If he is not revealed to have believed to be in a dream all this time there's going to be an issue.
The next thing wrong, the description is simple, but when the almost brain dulled man goes to confront them they were apparently carrying the 'sidearm assault rifles' as a side arm assault rifle. Which means these 'horse like creatures' were standing. As any use of flying would mean that they would have avoided the grounded man completely.
Look at this sentence...
The first marked shows that he acknowledges the fact that he's going to fight things that are not human and AFTER he reacts to it. What's up with this guy?
But wait, there's more, apparently being pointed at with a gun in a warzone you are not from by creatures never seen before is a situation he's been trained for and not only that a situation that obviously needs to come to violently fighting those that are telling you to do the same things cops ask. I could understand his reasoning if in some point he shows any, the reasons he has are not told, and this would be expected from a third person narration, but from a first?
This is practically mandatory for each action. It could be vague as it's a person's mind, but no thought whatsoever? I don't think so.
This is bad, as it shows that everything up to this point was with his actual reacting brain that he was doing it.
So, in boot camp he couldn't conclude if it was reality or not? Well now I can see why this thought appears as thinking everything is fake is common with this guy.
The first mark is where a period should be to separate the sentences, the second mark is where 'began' is 'The earth began to rumble' is enough as it's understood that the narration is still first person. The third marked is wrongly used as the earth is already trembling, it's understood that the mortars have been falling for some time, and in grammar it's incorrect to use... 'I began to feel' 'it began to find' and those things. Find a tutorial on its use as it’s late and I'm doing this to help, not be a tutor.
And I will not express how redundant is to say that mortars explode at the end of the paragraph.
The ending of this chapter was rushed, and that's the feeling of the chapter as a whole, rushed, the beginning attempts exploration of the surroundings but from the moment Trixie makes her bi-polar spin of emotion everything is sprinted ahead. And the end of the chapter couldn't be truer to that.
Third chapter.
The errors here are way too obvious. The comma use and the ending but are not well placed.
It seems here is where I stop helping individual sentences and go to general since my brain is melting because of the time of post.
I find a little funny how he expresses how lost he is but he still concluded to know what the situation is with the army and the town. Not even a doubt.
The same issues of passing from past to present are here, but a little more forced and hard to pass without twitching.
Separate the paragraphs into the actions done, if he stands somewhere and thinks that's one paragraph, don't add the next two actions before passing to the next in the middle of the previous action.
The character likes to remind the readers of his training a LOT, he must have some confidence issues.
Again with the redundancies.
Hissing and howling is impossible to do by the same type of creature since the sound he's more to it than scary factor. Hissing is for cat like and howling is for another. Hissing being the only one of the two that you hear when in aggressive behavior.
Reactions, again, not human like. None questioning. And I notice the infinite stamina. The Gary Stu smell is beginning to surge...
Talking to himself is now character trait of the guy.
So the guy was a pony all this time? Didn't notice the lack of hands? Or the imbalance of standing on his rear-hooves? Or added tail? Or lack of balancing feet? Or extended muzzle? Or floppy ears? Yeah... I don't think the 'seems legit' works here. And because there's no Anthro tag, and there was never a description of a hand or anything like that I already am in doubt of the man's observation skills.
So this is my read of this story. It has its beginner’s errors and logic falls, but it IS a story by the author for the author himself. I just gave you a lot of things I have seen about it and understood about it. So now that I have done my review of the say I can leave in peace.
Good night.