Chapter One:
I awoke to the sounds of chirping birds and the shining sun in my eyes. I got up and got dressed in a yellow turtleneck sweater and a yellow skirt with three butterflies embroidered on it. Though I was hungry, I didn't want to eat. I was ready to look around the town, and figure out where the library is. That Pinkie Pie girl said that she was setting up a party at the library, so where was the library? I stopped to ask a purple haired girl where it was.
"Oh, darling it is just down the way and a left from there. Oh my! I forgot to introduce myself! My name is Rarity. I am Ponyville's fashion designer. So, darling, what ever is your name?" She said.
"Oh, my name is Fluttershy." I barely squeaked those words out of my mouth.
"Oh, well Miss Fluttershy, it's very nice to meet you. Oh, I know we haven't said much, but I think we will be the best of friends." she said.
"See you at Pinkie's party." She said again, walking away.
As I walked to the library, it started to rain. Finally, I got to the library, opening the door, and was surprised by the sound of music suddenly blaring in my ears.
"HI FLUTTERSHY!" Pinkie Pie said.
"Oh, hi Pinkie..." I said as I walked over to a table covered in sweets, and grabbed a cookie.
Nibbling on it, I heard a little voice say, "Hi, there! My name is Spike!"
I squeaked. When I finally calmed back down, I turned to see a little, baby dragon right before my eyes. I squeaked again.
"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you there." said Spike.
Twilight Sparkle walked up to me and said, "Well, I see you've met my assistant, Spike. I hope the party is to your liking." I smiled.
"Yes, the party is wonderful. I love the decorations and the food is delicious!" Reaching for another cookie I saw her. The beautiful Rainbow Dash was standing right in front of me yet again. I just hope I don't make a fool of myself again, I thought.
"Hey, I remember you now! We were in college together. Fluttershy, right? Oh, we had so many memories! I can't believe I didn't recognize you sooner." She said.
"It's is no problem. None at all." I said. "Is it ok with you if I still called you Dashie?"
"Oh, Sure!" Rainbow said.
I thought of the times that Dashie and I had sat together at the tables, laughing about anything... anything really.
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I don't know why, but that sentence feels sort of awkward to me, maybe say "that Pinkie Pie girl"
Remove the gaps.
Also, going back to the last chapter; shouldn't Fluttershy be there well before Twilight?
If this is at a point where Twilight is still new to town, she's likely to be somewhat more awkward than that.
That was a rather quick descent into infatuation.
Maybe expand on that a bit, a few flashbacks perhaps? Also, there's a comma at the end of the sentence.
Seeing that that constructive crtiisism was posted a couple days ago, am I good at guessing you've fixed hose mistakes?
3077367 Yup!
You don't describe the characters with any detail, to be honest it's kinda dull
3077607 oh, sorry i am just now starting the fan fiction story stuff so im not very good, but still i try....
@xFoolerOfFilliesx...
Some additional constructive criticism:
1. Cover Image... First and quite importantly: if you are going to use artwork from the very talented DeviantArt(ist) HazuraSinner, you should at the very least, credit her for it. Or better and more respectfully, inform her &/or ask permission.
2. Descriptive narration... A big part of reader interest & investment in a story is being descriptive. Yes, most readers here will know the characters, but you still need to be descriptive to their appearance, their emotions/thoughts, their actions, and even their speaking lines. Right now, you are just shoving your characters on to the literary stage and telling the readers to imagine the rest; this tells the readers that you the writer are too lazy towards your own story.
3. Length... Unless the writer has a very specific purpose &/or a (literary-speaking) crafty plan for doing so, there needs to be a greater amount of writing per chapter, generally through being descriptive (as mentioned above). Take the time to write something out with some literary "meat" on the bones. You do not necessarily need to sit at the keyboard and hard-write for hours (unless that is your style); draft-write a bit here, jot down some ideas/notes on-the-side there, and you may find yourself with more to write (or written) than you might have guessed.
4. Human Story, Human nature... If this is going to be a human story, then they should do human things rather than pony things. They can eat human food, do human activities & actions, and exhibit (mostly) human nature. So while their personalities should be what they are in the canon-cartoon, their activities &/or behavior should reflect being human. The exception to this guide-line is integrating the magical nature of the MLP-verse (unicorn characters casting spells, pegasus characters flying, earth-pony characters' strength and mystic bond with the earth, etc.)
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
I am holding off on a final judgment for now, to see if there is any improvement. However, the fact that the Like vs Dislike numbers are fighting for which one should be ahead, this should be a strong hint to you that you need to do a serious overhaul on your story.
So this is humanized but Spike is still a dragon? Interesting choice. This is pretty good for a beginner but you need to add more meat to these exchanges. There is a definite lack of substance here. Eugh I am so lousy at giving critique. I'll keep an eye on it though with the hope it will improve.
3081779 how about you help me edit
3083939 moving this to private essages
3400792
thank you very much for your input
i think it is very kind of you all to help me to become a better writer
3436602 yeah, im trying to work on that... but thank you
before i even read the story
word of advice don't tell the whole story in a two sentence disruption,
in the first paragraph add some description or filler words,to me that read kind of like pinkie speaking
you need to a have the characters move around cause it seems that the characters are just coming out of nowhere(which is fine for pinkie)
and you really need to slow down
chapter 2 your starting to slow down and add some description, but not quite there yet.
i liked how rarity greeted her, nice touch from the show.
things to consider;
fluttershy, the animal lover contently ignores a baby dragon in favor of a cookie, something doesn't add up
being called 'dashie' in public would not go well with her 'cool' and 'awesome' persona
the party's full of people 'shy doesn't know, with loud music i think she would be more hesitant to enter rain or no rain
so far story wise no ok, but just slow down and descriptions of things. try to think about how each of the characters would react to the given situation.
oh and don't just take your new fond knowledge and add it to the next chapter, go back and fix the preexisting chapters so more people will read later chapters
3447637 I appreciate this very much, and I hope to hear feedback on my next chapter