Fluttershy sits alone in her room, thinking, wondering whether she should tell Dash that's she loves her, or should she hide, like she always does. No, she will tell her and Rainbow Dash will feel the same way!
Chapters (2)
Wren_Fest
Joined 1st Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.08 seconds
Total duration
1,057 users online
1,687,718 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Double space needs to be removed.
Gap at the beginning needs to be removed.
That's a very interesting choice; seriously, expect no small amount of grief. Also, the meetings happened a little too quickly; three characters introduced within 600 words is a little fast. You could maybe use some more complex sentences for example:
You could add a colon between the clauses.
Also, I didn't notice any spelling mistakes which is good.
I don't know why, but that sentence feels sort of awkward to me, maybe say "that Pinkie Pie girl"
Remove the gaps.
Also, going back to the last chapter; shouldn't Fluttershy be there well before Twilight?
If this is at a point where Twilight is still new to town, she's likely to be somewhat more awkward than that.
That was a rather quick descent into infatuation.
Maybe expand on that a bit, a few flashbacks perhaps? Also, there's a comma at the end of the sentence.
Seeing that that constructive crtiisism was posted a couple days ago, am I good at guessing you've fixed hose mistakes?
3077367 Yup!
You could have described her appearance
You don't describe the characters with any detail, to be honest it's kinda dull
3077607 oh, sorry i am just now starting the fan fiction story stuff so im not very good, but still i try....
@xFoolerOfFilliesx...
Some additional constructive criticism:
1. Cover Image... First and quite importantly: if you are going to use artwork from the very talented DeviantArt(ist) HazuraSinner, you should at the very least, credit her for it. Or better and more respectfully, inform her &/or ask permission.
2. Descriptive narration... A big part of reader interest & investment in a story is being descriptive. Yes, most readers here will know the characters, but you still need to be descriptive to their appearance, their emotions/thoughts, their actions, and even their speaking lines. Right now, you are just shoving your characters on to the literary stage and telling the readers to imagine the rest; this tells the readers that you the writer are too lazy towards your own story.
3. Length... Unless the writer has a very specific purpose &/or a (literary-speaking) crafty plan for doing so, there needs to be a greater amount of writing per chapter, generally through being descriptive (as mentioned above). Take the time to write something out with some literary "meat" on the bones. You do not necessarily need to sit at the keyboard and hard-write for hours (unless that is your style); draft-write a bit here, jot down some ideas/notes on-the-side there, and you may find yourself with more to write (or written) than you might have guessed.
4. Human Story, Human nature... If this is going to be a human story, then they should do human things rather than pony things. They can eat human food, do human activities & actions, and exhibit (mostly) human nature. So while their personalities should be what they are in the canon-cartoon, their activities &/or behavior should reflect being human. The exception to this guide-line is integrating the magical nature of the MLP-verse (unicorn characters casting spells, pegasus characters flying, earth-pony characters' strength and mystic bond with the earth, etc.)
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
I am holding off on a final judgment for now, to see if there is any improvement. However, the fact that the Like vs Dislike numbers are fighting for which one should be ahead, this should be a strong hint to you that you need to do a serious overhaul on your story.
So this is humanized but Spike is still a dragon? Interesting choice. This is pretty good for a beginner but you need to add more meat to these exchanges. There is a definite lack of substance here. Eugh I am so lousy at giving critique. I'll keep an eye on it though with the hope it will improve.
3081779 how about you help me edit
3083939 moving this to private essages
You should space it out with more description of feelings and interactions and atmospheric descriptions of surroundings. The characterisation is a little flat, I recommend re-watching some parts of the show with Fluttershy in it and then trying to imagine yourself in her mind when you write, so that her personality shows through in word choices, descriptions and behaviours.
Good luck!
3400792
thank you very much for your input
i think it is very kind of you all to help me to become a better writer
You need to slow it down. You essentially crammed the characters and settings down our throats without any fleshing out. Slow down, explain and set up surroundings and scenarios and you could be brilliant.
3436602 yeah, im trying to work on that... but thank you
before i even read the story
word of advice don't tell the whole story in a two sentence disruption,
in the first paragraph add some description or filler words,to me that read kind of like pinkie speaking
you need to a have the characters move around cause it seems that the characters are just coming out of nowhere(which is fine for pinkie)
and you really need to slow down
chapter 2 your starting to slow down and add some description, but not quite there yet.
i liked how rarity greeted her, nice touch from the show.
things to consider;
fluttershy, the animal lover contently ignores a baby dragon in favor of a cookie, something doesn't add up
being called 'dashie' in public would not go well with her 'cool' and 'awesome' persona
the party's full of people 'shy doesn't know, with loud music i think she would be more hesitant to enter rain or no rain
so far story wise no ok, but just slow down and descriptions of things. try to think about how each of the characters would react to the given situation.
oh and don't just take your new fond knowledge and add it to the next chapter, go back and fix the preexisting chapters so more people will read later chapters
3447637 I appreciate this very much, and I hope to hear feedback on my next chapter