Flutterdash: The Beginning

by Wren_Fest

Prologue: Move In Day

I could hardly believe my eyes. I was finally in Ponyville! I had been living in Cloudsdale for most of my life. I've spent some time in Manehatten, and a little in Las Pegasus. Whenever I travelled, I always felt like something was missing. Anytime I did anything, there was always something missing. Suddenly, a pink, curly haired girl bounced her way in front of me.

"Hi there!" She said. "I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Hi, I'm Fluttershy. Nice to meet you." I said, giving her a shy smile. She bounced back in front of me.

"I have to give you the Pinkie Pie Welcome!" she said.

She burst into song and dance. After she had sung to her hearts content, she bounced away, all the while saying "I am setting up your welcoming party for tomorrow night at the library. Be ready to PARTY!"

After she left, I started walking to the home I was going to stay at while in Ponyville. I walked past a restaurant, feeling my stomach growl. I walked in the restaurant, and the waitress came to the desk. She had multi-colored hair, and her skirt was detailed with a cloud and rainbow lightning bolt.

"Hi my name is Rainbow Dash, I will be your server tonight." She said.

Rainbow Dash was in college with me but apparently she didn't recognize me. I hoped she'd remember our friendship and how we had been so close. Maybe she'd remember me later and try to find me. As soon as I came out of my daydream, Rainbow Dash had been standing there for 5 minutes with me sitting there, looking into her eyes. By this point I think she's a little creeped out.

"Um, ma'am? What would you like to eat?" She said with concern.

"Oh, I would like a dandelion and poppy sandwich." I said with embarrassment.

After I ate, I went back to walking to my house. A purple-pink haired girl bumped into while reading a book.

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" She said.

"It's ok, it's not your fault." I said shyly, hiding behind my light-pink bangs.

The girl said "My name is Twilight Sparkle, what's yours?"

I shyly replied in a tiny voice "I'm Fluttershy."

"I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that?" She said.

"I'm Fluttershy." I said a little softer.

"I'm sorry I still cant hear you." Said Twilight Sparkle.

I finally squeaked out the words loud enough for her to hear me. After talking to Twilight Sparkle, I really wanted to get home. I tried to run the entire way home, but I got tired halfway there. When I did reach home, it was beautiful. The house was carved into a hill, and there was a stream with a bridge over it. A little fawn was nestled atop the hill, staring at me with beady eyes. I got inside, tired and thirsty. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from cabinet above the stove. I got a little water from the fridge and I walked back into the living room and sat down. There was a painting of a butterfly atop a rose. I started to doze off on the couch. I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to get some rest, so I laid down on the couch and let my eyes close and dreams to pop into my head.

Author's Note:

This is my very first fanfiction, so if you have any advice to give me about how to change my storyline, I'd be much obliged. If you could please rate and comment on how it was then, again, I'd be much obliged. Thanks for reading my fanfiction! I would like to give a good load of credit to my friend, Flutterguy89. He has inspired me to write a lot more in his style, which has shown me a lot more confidence. Thanks Flutterguy!
xFoolerOfFilliesx

Comments

[Slip Kid]

I've spent

Double space needs to be removed.

" Hi, I'm Fluttershy.

Gap at the beginning needs to be removed.

I walked in the restaurant, and the waitress came to the desk. She had blonde hair, and her skirt was detailed with a cloud and rainbow lightning bolt.
"Hi my name is Rainbow Dash, I will be your server tonight."

That's a very interesting choice; seriously, expect no small amount of grief. Also, the meetings happened a little too quickly; three characters introduced within 600 words is a little fast. You could maybe use some more complex sentences for example:

I started to doze off on the couch. I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to get some rest. I laid down on the couch and let my eyes close and dreams to pop into my head.

You could add a colon between the clauses.

Also, I didn't notice any spelling mistakes which is good.

[Rainbow87dash]

"Hi there!" She said. "I'm Pinkie Pie!"  
"Hi, I'm Fluttershy. Nice to meet you." I said, giving her a shy smile. She bounced back in front of me.
"I have to give you the Pinkie Pie Welcome!" she said.
She burst into song and dance. After she had sung to her hearts content, she bounced away, all the while saying "I am setting up your welcoming party for tomorrow night at the library. Be ready to PARTY!"

You could have described her appearance

[deletingthisaccount]

You should space it out with more description of feelings and interactions and atmospheric descriptions of surroundings. The characterisation is a little flat, I recommend re-watching some parts of the show with Fluttershy in it and then trying to imagine yourself in her mind when you write, so that her personality shows through in word choices, descriptions and behaviours.
Good luck!

[Thepoliteemo]

You need to slow it down. You essentially crammed the characters and settings down our throats without any fleshing out. Slow down, explain and set up surroundings and scenarios and you could be brilliant.