Big Macintosh had heard about the new show pony coming to town. The Great and Powerful Trixie. Applebloom really wanted to go, and Applejack was mildly interested, so he decided to tag along. Little did he know, however, that the pony was a showoff and a blowhard. Big Mac doesn't like blowhards. Mild Big MacxTrixie
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Decent, I'll see where this goes.
Two paragraphs in, Big Mac is speaking full sentences like everypony else. You've already robbed the character.
2751091
Aegis, it's kind of hard for him to issue a challenge if he only said eeyup or nope.
2751100 True...
2751105
At least he isn't speaking like he's from Canterlot or fancy like. Plus not every story can be done with no one speaking until the last chapter.
2751091 Well, as the Gabby Gums episode demonstrates, Big Mac is perfectly capable of speaking, especially when angered. He just doesn't want to. When he does speak, shit gets done.
2751045 Fixed it, thanks.
2751131 That's sort of where I was going with this.
Really love the attention this is getting, guys. Keep it coming.
Big Mac's always been my favorite character.
2751148 I think a character is more than just their style of talking. It's about their soul. He loves his sisters, he stands up for the little guy, but he believes in playing fair. And, as Paladin said, if he were speaking with Rarity's accent, or like Photo Finish, or even Gilda... that'd kinda be pushing it.
This fic has good potential. Just, one grammar thing:
"You should write quotes like this," he said.
End the sentence with a comma, lower case the next word unless another rule supersedes it.
It is such a common mistake, the English teacher in me weeps.
2751166 Bleh. It's my native tongue, but English is a stupid language.
2751166 Fixed it. Also made some minor edits that I missed earlier.
In addition to Exilo's comments about the dialogue, two other suggestions:
Who said this? I'm guessing it was Big Mac, but It's not really clear from the text.
This is someone's inner thoughts, so italicize it to set it off from the main text and clue in the reader that it is someone's thoughts.
The dialogue thing isn't really unique to English, by the way; most languages (European ones, anyway) have the same rule. The line of dialogue, plus the following description of who said it and how, are considered part of the same sentence, so dialogue ends with a comma before the closing quote (unless it's a question? or exclamation!), and the following word is only capitalized if it's someone's name.
"Well, alright, then. Are ya right-hooved or left-hooved?" Applejack asked, circling the cyan unicorn.
Applejack's statement is a question ending with a ?, so this is correct.
"Uhh, le- left hooved," Trixie stammered.
Trixie's statement is a normal sentence that would end with a period if self-contained. But "Trixie stammered" is linked to the dialogue, to tell the reader who said it and how, so they're treated as a single sentence.
"No," came the quiet, but firm voice.
Normal sentence, but the word after the closing quote is not a name or other proper noun, so don't capitalize.
"South-hoof, eh? Not many of those." AJ was all business now.
Also correct, because "AJ was all business now." isn't directly linked to the preceding dialogue as a "who said it and how" attribution.
(And yyyep, Ah'm perfectly capable of talkin' when Ah want to, y'all. Ah just don't see th' need to chatter 'less Ah've got somethin' worth sayin'.)
2751354
Heh, you must've uploaded the fixes about a minute before I finished writing my post.
2751409 I work quickly.
2751416
Ah well, maybe the examples will help someone else.
2751091 Actually, he spoke normally in his first speaking episode, when he warned Applejack about taking the applebucking responsabilities on her own. oinly later did he begin becoming more stoic.
Me like story!
Me like story!
Not bad, though it seems a couple of minor typos have slipped through:
pontification
suddenly
Spike's coffee
Trixie x Big Macintosh is an uncommon ship, so I shall watch to see where this sails...
Bum Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum
LOL Trixie's gonna learn a good ol' fashioned lesson in humility (or humiliation, whichever comes first)
I have a newfound fear of and respect for Big Macintosh; THAT BOY DO BE COL'
Unique ship, that's good. And off to a decent start.
One big thing that stands out: Trixie doesn't work the challenges like that. Why would she ask about a wager, when she didn't at all in Boastbusters? She has no reason to. She does this for her own ego and to entertain the audience. She'd also use her magic, not learn new skills. Maybe tweak the situation slightly? Say Mac suggests the bet, stakes, and no magic limitation, then Trixie thinks or says something like "How hard can it be to kick some trees?", but asks for the week to learn (or maybe a day and then AJ or Big Mac raises it to a week, for Trixie's sake). Mac agrees, then Trixie laughs, because as far as she's concerned, this is a no lose situation. She can finish her show, so no loss there; if she wins the bet, she gets Mac for a month; and if she loses, well, she probably wasn't planning on coming back to this town within the year anyway. All upside, no downside. And of course she'll still try to learn to buck apples, because pride and she could win.
Sent a note with typos, grammatical issues, and such.
2754596
Just roll with it, for the sake of the story.
Tracking, to see where it leads