• Member Since 11th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 28th, 2021

Obsidian Raindrop


T
Source

If canon Twilight thought that cadence (who was really chrysalis) was horrible what would she think of with trixie as a her brother's bride to be?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 49 )

I hate to tell you, but the Trixie x ??? Random Romance Contest was over months ago.

3772693 well at least you didn't write first

This could use some editing for grammar, but I like the interesting concept!

Hmmm... This seems interesting... It might be a good idea to have the story looked over again to make grammar corrections. I can't really gripe too much about grammar, but it was pretty bad....

Anyways I added this fic to my watch later list to keep an eye on it. If it does go well I might later favorite it. Still this looks to be a very interesting story. I like how it seems this isn't Chrysalis in disguise, since Trixie actually recognized Twilight, even if she did mispronounce her name. I look forward to the next chapter.

Quotations for dialogue are not optional.

She said, hoping to Celestia that she was

She was what?

3772909 Well since you spotted grammar mistakes would you please point it out.

3772909 Twibright sprinkles is a jab at twilight she'll be constantly mispronouncing her name
3772939 fixed thanks :pinkiehappy:

3772942 I will try... but I think it is stuff you could catch just reading through once again... i am new to this though so bare with me...

“Your brother's getting married? Congratulations, Twilight! That's great news! Even though you never once mentioned that you have once in the past two years,”Applejack said.

I also noticed some comma errors here and there but I am not the best with them...

Twilight frowned at this couldn't any of them see how horrible this was.

It was mostly stuff similar to this:

He is pretty special. I mean, even if he does still but action figures, they don't let just anypony be captain of the Royal Guard.

I am sure there are others that someone ore qualified could point out to you though.

3772971 :pinkiehappy: I figured that much about the name! lol. Like I said this looks to be a very funny story. :twilightsmile:

The real Question is would Shining armor really condone his wife jabbing at his little sister?

The funny thing is that if Chrysalis did replace Trixie, no one would be able to tell the difference.

3773395 Well, in the actual episode he didn't notice his little sister's favorite foalsitter didn't recognize or remember her...TWICE in one scene :twilightoops:

3775083 I guess you're right, well Fuu------.:flutterrage:

Comment posted by Xaldon Ajide deleted Jan 12th, 2014

3775163 these are all valid points but I never mentioned the shield read it it is never spoken of there is none.

3775183 nvm, missed several things.

Well I'm glad to see you delivered! :twilightblush:
There's mistakes here and there, mostly just missing quotation marks which kinda made me have to read the same line twice to get it. Some spacing issues too, but I know that you probably wrote most of this in a really short amount of time so i'll overlook it:derpytongue2:

As promised, I said to you that if you wrote it I would like, fave, follow. And I am a man of my word. :trollestia:

Gihihihi :pinkiehappy: The dialogue is a bit wonky, you missed some quotation marks. Really waiting to see how this story will play out.

Interesting concept, but there's a fair bit that needs editing. Here's a couple of examples.

On the train ride to the Canterlot the girls paired out of the window trying to catch a glimpse of the city as the train rush by.

That should be "peered".

Duh Twilight it’s Wednesday, Shining always gets new during his lunch break she thought to herself feeling pretty stupid. No bad Twilight your mad at that jerk.

It would probably be best to have it more like,

"Duh Twilight, it’s Wednesday, Shining always gets new during his lunch break." She thought to herself feeling pretty stupid. No, bad Twilight, you're mad at that jerk.

There's also a lot of missing quotation marks and commas, as well as capitalization errors, but I do hope to see this continue and improve.

Good to see that the girls admit that they were on less than their best behavior that time (particularly Rarity owning up to her act of wanton destruction - though given that she recently trashed a hotel room to make dresses, she evidently didn't learn anything) and realizing that they probably shouldn't act so petty.

Twilight is allowed to have mixed feelings, what with her brother being on the line. In fact, it's probably necessary to drive the plot. The others, not so much.

I really hope you can find someone to clean up the story, because it's a good premise. I'd offer to help, but I'm really, really bogged down with work.

3782906 well two things:

1 what are mistakes I made (please leave an example of one to help).
2 You never answered my question at the top of the page.

WMG turn on:
She's the Trixie we all know and love.
Or, also she's Chrysalis's daughter.
Or, Chrysalis's secret identity.
Or, she's just Chrysalis and the real Trixie is locked under Canterlot.
That's all I got.

She's real alright. In fact, I bet it will be her and Twilight that work together to stop the invasion if there is one, it'd be the ultimate in-law bonding.

well I don't like one thing but I can't really say its wrong cause none of the mane six would know but. weren't spike the one who told snips and snail that he won't believe a word they say about Trixie unless an ursa major walks into town for Trixie to vanquish and such giving them the idea to go and find one?

3783605 yeah is't funny how he never told anypony that he really caused the destruction of ponyville.

3783613 I'm slightly more interested why snips and snails never told anyone.

I'm guessing that Trixie is Crysalis' Daughter.

3782921
1. From what I can tell, your punctuation needs improving. There are mistakes all over the place: periods instead of commas, missing commas, bad pacing, etcetera.

For example, this:

(...) that town has a crisis every Saturday.” The former showmare said, loving (...)

It should be:

(...) that town has a crisis every Saturday,” the former showmare said, loving (...)

This sentence:

Sure, ever since Trixie’s show Ponyville had seven major crises, five of which was caused directly or on indirectly due to her or her friends, but still she had no need to know that!

Could be written like this:

Sure, ever since Trixie’s show Ponyville had seven major crises – five of which was caused directly or indirectly by her or her friends – but still she had no need to know that!

And this:

Let me explain what happened Shining.

Could use a comma:

Let me explain what happened, Shining.

There are also several sentences here and there that are a bit unwieldy and could do with a little rewording to make them flow better. You may want to speak the sentences out loud and consider whether it sounds like how the character in question talks.

I do like that we get to see Twilight's internal monologue getting increasingly stressed-out, though.

2. Really not sure. I think it's the real one, but then I have the headcanon that Trixie can be perfectly cordial when dealing with ponies she wants to get along with (in contrast to a bunch of rude hecklers who obviously don't deserve respect).

On the other hand, it could be Chrysalis, who is completely by accident playing Trixie as far nicer than she's supposed to. (Which could be an interesting way to rouse Twilight's suspicions: "She's an impostor! The real Trixie isn't this pleasant!")

Then again, an impostor wouldn't see a need to start unnecessary conflict (calling Twilight rude names, etc.) unless they were that determined to stay in character. So I think this is the real deal.

Trixie does have a point. The town has been almost destroyed several times by Fluttershy bringing parasprites to town and Twilight making the whole situation worse,:yay::twilightblush: Celestia for only giving Twilight one extra Gala ticket,:trollestia: Twilight going insane over being tardy,:twilightblush: Spike going greedy, Discord turning the town upside down and even the CMC rigged a parade float to careen off a cliff. How is Trixie the bad guy here, again? :trixieshiftright:

I'm sorry, but, how the flying feather does the following sentence make ANY sense whatsoever?

"Already knowing about Trixie’s past with Twilight, but he didn't know that Twilight knew her."

3784952
“I know, I know. It’s just that every time I meet your sister, my world comes crashing down around me. Two times already she’s ruined my life.”

there was something that twilight did that ruined trixie's life in the past. Like if trixie was s'posed to be celestia's student but twilight took her place twilight did some thing so bad to trixie that ruined her life for a bit twice

3783621

If i had to guess it's because the story was made to have trixie as a villain and because they didn't have any proof to blame spike.

No, bad Twilight, your mad at that jerk.

Apparently even Twilight's thoughts can have poor grammar.

I'm going to guess that there are no changelings in this story and it's just the "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER TERRORIST ORGANIZERS, YAY!"

Finding her brother wasn't hard after she checked his office, the guard barracks, the throne room, the mess hall, Luna’s bedroom, and eleven other places, she finally spotted her brother coming out of the comic book store.

Luna's... bedroom

Wait, why would she need to check Luna's bedchambers to find her brother?!?!?! Is there somethin' goin' on that we're not being told???

3800258

No, bad Twilight, your mad at that jerk.

Wrong word. You meant You're as in "you are;" your can essentially be replaced with "of you" if you fiddle with the word order a bit.

There was another instance of Twilight's thoughts being grammatically incorrect that I noticed, but I can't find it now, and I think it was in the previous chapter...

3805770 Yes luna could have given him a job to do so she should check in with the OTHER princess.

I like this pairing more than Shining and Cadance or how ever you spell her name.

4075335
She's named after the musical term cadence, but her official name is cadance, even though it's pronounced cadence. I just call her Cadeaeance.

4077395 thank you but I just have a hard time spelling names.

4872278 no just need time to write this story out.

4872282
So you said FOUR YEARS AGO! Good story deserves to be wrote!

“I know, I know. It’s just that every time I meet your sister, my world comes crashing down around me. Two times already she’s ruined my life,”

Two times?! Hey now, you're going to leave this story unfinished for quite some time, are you sure that you want to leave everyone hanging on a cliff like this? I mean, I wouldn't want to be responsible for the massive amount of casualties that are sure to transpire when people start to lose their grip on the edge of that cliff...

Login or register to comment