The Challenge
"Seems like anyone with a dash of good sense would think twice before tussling with the Great Trixie." As Rainbow Dash staggered off the stage, Big Macintosh decided that he had had enough of Trixie's boasting. He slipped out of the crowd without anypony noticing, and, while Rarity was dazzling the audience with her pontificaiton about beauty, made his way up the stairs. When Rarity ran off the stage bemoaning her green hair, the red stallion brought his hoof down on the stage. Hard. A timber cracked.
"Enough." he said is his quiet, western drawl. "No more of your boasting and making fools of other ponies. You come to this town, and suddely everyone has to bow down to you? I don't know how things work with those fancy ponies up in Canterlot, but down here respect is earned by the sweat of your back." A murmur rippled through the ponies watching. Nopony had never heard him say anything more than a few words at a stretch.
Trixie looked disgusted. "You would lecture me about work? I have vanquished an Ursa Major single-hoofedly." Her horn glowed as she tried to pick Big Macintoch up. The large stock horse tensed, his muscles rippling as the magic flowed over his body. "Now, begone with you. I will not have such common filth tarnishing my stage. I have far more important matters to which I must attend."
"No," came the quiet, but firm voice. It was not his usual, lazy nnope. It was, somehow, almost frightening. The red pony drew himself up to his full height, resisting the pale blue unicorn's efforts to throw him off the stage, grimacing with the effort. He brought his hoof down on the stage again, and this time, the plank snapped, bending sharply upward. "I will challenge you."
Trixie considered this for a moment. "What is your wager?"
"If you win, I will be your servant for a month. If I win, you will leave Ponyvile and not return for a full year."
"And the challenge?"
Bic Mac grinned. "AJ, I reckon there's harvesting needs to be done."
The orange mare beamed. "Apple bucking?"
"Apple bucking. You, Trixie, have one week to prepare."
Trixie raised her hind hooves and shot them out. They clipped the trunk, rattling the leaves. "Ugh," she grunted in exasparation. Applejack stood to the side, trying her hardest to keep from giggling.
"Want some help there, sugarcube? You've been missing trees for goin' on four days, now," The orange mare chuckled. "Big Mac thinks that you should at least learn to buck trees before the challenge. Three days left until the competition, and you ain't even hit one yet."
"The Great and... Powerful Trixie doesn't... need... any help... from a hayseed," Trixie panted out, before falling over. She turned her head to the side, and saw Bic Mac sizing up a tree. He turned his back to it and gave it a light tap, at least by his standards, with one of his hind hooves. All of the apples except for one fell into the baskets around the tree. The crimson stallion look up at the last one expectantly. It fell, and he caught it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. Trixie groaned. "I think... I will take you up on your offer," she said. Picking herself up, she dusted off her cape, and grabbed her hat.
"Well, alright, then. Are ya right-hooved or left-hooved?" Applejacke asked, circling the cyan unicorn.
"Uhh, le- left hooved," Trixie stammered. The earth pony's circling was making her nervous.
"South-hoof, eh? Not many of those." AJ was all business now. "Now back yer left flank against the tree." Trixie glanced at her quickly. "Trust me. Ah never lie. Now, flank against the tree" Trixie backed against the tree. "Now, take a couple steps straight forward."
"Forward? You just told me to step backward." Trixie tilted her head.
"That's to line ya up so's you can hit it when you buck."
"That... makes more sense than I expected from a laborer."
"Ya shouldn't judge as quick as you do. But you still need to learn to buck. Take..." AJ considered for a moment. "two steps forward." Trixie stepped forward, the soft thunk of her hooves against the mulch the only sound in the suddenly quiet apple orchard. "Now, when you buck this time, keep yer hooves together, and use the muscles in yer back more." Trixie shot her back hooves out, and this time they thudded heavily against the tree, jarring an appreciable fraction of the apples from their perches. Trixe turned around. The apples she had bucked were falling neatly into the baskets around the tree. She looked to her left, and saw Big Macintosh leaning against a tree. The large, red horse fixed her with a half-lidded stare and nodded his head, ever so slightly. Nothing had been said, but the meaning was clear.
You've earned them apples. Keep it up, and you'll earn my respect.
For some reason, this meant more to Trixie than she thought it should have. He was just a simple farmer, after all, and she was the Great and Powerful Trixie. She turned back to Applejack, and saw a half smile on AJ's muzzle. "Thank you," said Trixie. "Really, i would have been stuck If you hadn't helped."
"Thank Big Mac, he's the one as wanted to play fair. Three more days of practice, I reckon you'll give him slightly more fight than a rabbit on some of Spikes coffee."
"Thanks..?" The question hung in the air. That was a compliment, right?
"I'm not sure yet." The farmpony answered the unasked. Then, she walked off to the barn.
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Decent, I'll see where this goes.
Two paragraphs in, Big Mac is speaking full sentences like everypony else. You've already robbed the character.
2751091
Aegis, it's kind of hard for him to issue a challenge if he only said eeyup or nope.
2751100 True...
2751105
At least he isn't speaking like he's from Canterlot or fancy like. Plus not every story can be done with no one speaking until the last chapter.
2751091 Well, as the Gabby Gums episode demonstrates, Big Mac is perfectly capable of speaking, especially when angered. He just doesn't want to. When he does speak, shit gets done.
2751045 Fixed it, thanks.
2751131 That's sort of where I was going with this.
Really love the attention this is getting, guys. Keep it coming.
Big Mac's always been my favorite character.
2751148 I think a character is more than just their style of talking. It's about their soul. He loves his sisters, he stands up for the little guy, but he believes in playing fair. And, as Paladin said, if he were speaking with Rarity's accent, or like Photo Finish, or even Gilda... that'd kinda be pushing it.
This fic has good potential. Just, one grammar thing:
"You should write quotes like this," he said.
End the sentence with a comma, lower case the next word unless another rule supersedes it.
It is such a common mistake, the English teacher in me weeps.
2751166 Bleh. It's my native tongue, but English is a stupid language.
2751166 Fixed it. Also made some minor edits that I missed earlier.
In addition to Exilo's comments about the dialogue, two other suggestions:
Who said this? I'm guessing it was Big Mac, but It's not really clear from the text.
This is someone's inner thoughts, so italicize it to set it off from the main text and clue in the reader that it is someone's thoughts.
The dialogue thing isn't really unique to English, by the way; most languages (European ones, anyway) have the same rule. The line of dialogue, plus the following description of who said it and how, are considered part of the same sentence, so dialogue ends with a comma before the closing quote (unless it's a question? or exclamation!), and the following word is only capitalized if it's someone's name.
"Well, alright, then. Are ya right-hooved or left-hooved?" Applejack asked, circling the cyan unicorn.
Applejack's statement is a question ending with a ?, so this is correct.
"Uhh, le- left hooved," Trixie stammered.
Trixie's statement is a normal sentence that would end with a period if self-contained. But "Trixie stammered" is linked to the dialogue, to tell the reader who said it and how, so they're treated as a single sentence.
"No," came the quiet, but firm voice.
Normal sentence, but the word after the closing quote is not a name or other proper noun, so don't capitalize.
"South-hoof, eh? Not many of those." AJ was all business now.
Also correct, because "AJ was all business now." isn't directly linked to the preceding dialogue as a "who said it and how" attribution.
(And yyyep, Ah'm perfectly capable of talkin' when Ah want to, y'all. Ah just don't see th' need to chatter 'less Ah've got somethin' worth sayin'.)
2751354
Heh, you must've uploaded the fixes about a minute before I finished writing my post.
2751409 I work quickly.
2751416
Ah well, maybe the examples will help someone else.
2751091 Actually, he spoke normally in his first speaking episode, when he warned Applejack about taking the applebucking responsabilities on her own. oinly later did he begin becoming more stoic.
Me like story!
Me like story!
Not bad, though it seems a couple of minor typos have slipped through:
pontification
suddenly
Spike's coffee
Trixie x Big Macintosh is an uncommon ship, so I shall watch to see where this sails...
Bum Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum
LOL Trixie's gonna learn a good ol' fashioned lesson in humility (or humiliation, whichever comes first)
I have a newfound fear of and respect for Big Macintosh; THAT BOY DO BE COL'
Unique ship, that's good. And off to a decent start.
One big thing that stands out: Trixie doesn't work the challenges like that. Why would she ask about a wager, when she didn't at all in Boastbusters? She has no reason to. She does this for her own ego and to entertain the audience. She'd also use her magic, not learn new skills. Maybe tweak the situation slightly? Say Mac suggests the bet, stakes, and no magic limitation, then Trixie thinks or says something like "How hard can it be to kick some trees?", but asks for the week to learn (or maybe a day and then AJ or Big Mac raises it to a week, for Trixie's sake). Mac agrees, then Trixie laughs, because as far as she's concerned, this is a no lose situation. She can finish her show, so no loss there; if she wins the bet, she gets Mac for a month; and if she loses, well, she probably wasn't planning on coming back to this town within the year anyway. All upside, no downside. And of course she'll still try to learn to buck apples, because pride and she could win.
Sent a note with typos, grammatical issues, and such.
2754596
Just roll with it, for the sake of the story.
Tracking, to see where it leads